I'm a horrible person. What is WRONG with me??

[Anonymous]

So, here is my vent/confession. I know I'm horrible but I just had to get this out somewhere. Like many others on this forum, I had a nightmarish fertility journey. Got pregnant at 38 naturally, but miscarried after 8 weeks. Then, after immediately seeing an RE, I began riding the infertility rollercoaster. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you the number of IUIs I had. I went through 3 IVF cycles. Chemical pregnancy. Two more miscarriages. Nightmares. Tears. Pleading with God. You name it. I went through it. Told some of my close friends but most of them didn't get it (unless they were going through it themselves). When I finally did get pregnant and after all the injections (damn PIO shots!), there were multiple scares. Of course, I had to get an amnio because the first trimester screening came back with some risks. The whole thing was rough and honestly I still have nightmares. But ultimately I was blessed with a beautiful LO.

So, one of my friends told me that she accidentally got pregnant naturally at 42. She was dating this guy for about a year and desperately wanted to get married. He was hemming and hawing. She told me she didn't realize she was pregnant when she went to the GYN. Said she hadn't been tracking her cycles. Of course, her first trimester screening was perfect. Of course. She told me she *felt* fertile a couple of months ago (she was obviously pregnant then).

Why why why am I not thrilled for her? Why do I have these terrible feelings? I should be happy for her that she didn't have to suffer like me. What is wrong with me?? I feel terrible.

[Anonymous]

You aren't horrible. It's probably natural to feel a bit resentful when someone has it easier than you. However

a) They say that most people wouldn't trade their own problems for anyone else's when they know the other person's whole story.

b) If I know a feeling isn't emotionally healthy, I find it best not to dwell on it, or myself. Let it starve

[Anonymous]

Your negative feelings will pass. It is just a reminder of the tough times you went through and that life is not fair. We all have easy times in some way and struggles in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. The more recent your struggle, the more negative you will feel. Eventually you will shake it off and be able to feel good for others in their times of joy again. Don't beat yourself up, but don't let yourself be damaged by the obstacles you overcame. You can let go now! I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

It is probably just a reminder of how difficult things once were for you. I had a very premature child, and when I hear of full term births and see the happy pictures from the day, it makes me sad. I certainly would never, ever wish my experience on anyone, but it is a huge reminder of how tough things were for us and all that we didn't get to experience in the usual course.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP's that it's a reminder of how hard you had it, but also you probably resent the fact that she didn't care about getting pregnant and bam - against all odds (age) she gets pregnant, and you who wanted it so bad had to struggle.

I've often said to my friend, women who don't go through what we have to to have babies will never understand.

[Anonymous]

I agree with what everyone else has said. I have had similar feelings for countless pregnancies of friends and associates. IF just sucks and hurts and so it makes sense to have these feelings. Don't beat yourself up and let it start to fade.

[Anonymous]

I do not think you are horrible at all, OP. I would feel the same exact way. Try to just relax, put it out of your mind, and just try to enjoy your life. It's hard, but try to just focus on your own life without comparing it to others' journeys....

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are understandable, but everyone has their own challenges...so your friend who got pregnant easily has a boyfriend who is stalling on marriage and who might not be commited to becoming a father? Grass is not always greener, my friend. Please try to enjoy your lovely baby and try and find some room in your heart to be happy for your friend who is going to have her own struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, here is my vent/confession. I know I'm horrible but I just had to get this out somewhere. Like many others on this forum, I had a nightmarish fertility journey. Got pregnant at 38 naturally, but miscarried after 8 weeks. Then, after immediately seeing an RE, I began riding the infertility rollercoaster. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you the number of IUIs I had. I went through 3 IVF cycles. Chemical pregnancy. Two more miscarriages. Nightmares. Tears. Pleading with God. You name it. I went through it. Told some of my close friends but most of them didn't get it (unless they were going through it themselves). When I finally did get pregnant and after all the injections (damn PIO shots!), there were multiple scares. Of course, I had to get an amnio because the first trimester screening came back with some risks. The whole thing was rough and honestly I still have nightmares. But ultimately I was blessed with a beautiful LO.

So, one of my friends told me that she accidentally got pregnant naturally at 42. She was dating this guy for about a year and desperately wanted to get married. He was hemming and hawing. She told me she didn't realize she was pregnant when she went to the GYN. Said she hadn't been tracking her cycles. Of course, her first trimester screening was perfect. Of course. She told me she *felt* fertile a couple of months ago (she was obviously pregnant then).

Why why why am I not thrilled for her? Why do I have these terrible feelings? I should be happy for her that she didn't have to suffer like me. What is wrong with me?? I feel terrible.

Ok, I agree with all the people above and I would also note that the bolded makes me think that this lady is in sort of a bad situation, not someone to be jealous of. She's pregnant at 42 with a man who didn't really want to get married. This is a bad recipe.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar reaction when a friend got pregnant by accident before she was even married to the guy. This was shortly after I found out I was pregnant after years of IF. I felt like a horrible person but I can tell you that it fades. I think it's just hard to understand why you had to struggle so much when others didn't. I think everyone has their fair share of problems though even though you don't know about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, here is my vent/confession. I know I'm horrible but I just had to get this out somewhere. Like many others on this forum, I had a nightmarish fertility journey. Got pregnant at 38 naturally, but miscarried after 8 weeks. Then, after immediately seeing an RE, I began riding the infertility rollercoaster. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you the number of IUIs I had. I went through 3 IVF cycles. Chemical pregnancy. Two more miscarriages. Nightmares. Tears. Pleading with God. You name it. I went through it. Told some of my close friends but most of them didn't get it (unless they were going through it themselves). When I finally did get pregnant and after all the injections (damn PIO shots!), there were multiple scares. Of course, I had to get an amnio because the first trimester screening came back with some risks. The whole thing was rough and honestly I still have nightmares. But ultimately I was blessed with a beautiful LO.

So, one of my friends told me that she accidentally got pregnant naturally at 42. She was dating this guy for about a year and desperately wanted to get married. He was hemming and hawing. She told me she didn't realize she was pregnant when she went to the GYN. Said she hadn't been tracking her cycles. Of course, her first trimester screening was perfect. Of course. She told me she *felt* fertile a couple of months ago (she was obviously pregnant then).

Why why why am I not thrilled for her? Why do I have these terrible feelings? I should be happy for her that she didn't have to suffer like me. What is wrong with me?? I feel terrible.

No, you are NOT a "horrible person." But please keep in mind that you DO have a child NOW, and some of us (like myself) will never have a biological child...(or even an adopted child- which I am trying to do now.)

[Anonymous]

Hi just adding that as an aspiring single mom myself, I consider her VERY lucky but it doesn't sound like she planned on single motherhood--and it sounds like you are married, and found your husband before 38.

I can tell you the single years between 35 and when you decide to become a single mother are plenty fraught with pain.

I don't know your friend's story but the way you told it, sounds like she's had plenty of disappointment and heartbreak in the life partner department.

I'm not saying you have to compare, just understand that she hasn't had your heartbreak but if at 42 she's with a non-committal man, she has also had heartbreak over a major life issue that makes her look at others and say "why was it so easy for them"?

I speak from experience on both sides of it--the inability to find a mate, then the inability to conceive. Neither is fun. Sounds like you've each had one. . . so I guess you can try to move to gratitude that your struggle is over.

The memories never go away, by the way. Each year I relive the traumas of the last. Each due date for a baby that was with me for even a short time, never mind mothers' day and my birthdays, are sheer torture.

They pass. This will pass for you. Let it go instead of holding on to it--it surprises me how often I have to make a conscious effort to let things pass. Pain can be addictive when you've had so much of it. I think they call it PTSD in some circles.

[Anonymous]

You aren't horrible, you're human. When I find myself in a place like you are right now, I try to remember the Desiderata:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Beautiful, PP. Thank you.