Should I talk to my best friend?

[Anonymous]

My lifelong best friend (known each other since college) and I live about an hour away. She has been the sister I never had. Anyway, I have been married 20 years 3 kids happy life. She was married with 2 kids but was in a very unhappy marriage which she finally got the confidence to leave about 2 years ago. Soon after she lost 15 lbs had a little nip and tuck and looked better than she has ever looked, she is naturally very pretty also. So she started dating casually and while away on business met someone who she came back to me and said she was very excited about. To make a long story short, they married last year, he is a great guy. About 10 years old wildly successful and takes great care of her. The thing is I have seen a big change in her since she married. Her ex was well to do but not on this level. Think 3 homes, fancy cars, never a care about money,etc...but I have seen a shift from my normal grounded friend to telling me all about the merits of buying couture and how they are buying a condo in The Grand Cayman Islands and how she just hired a top local decorator to redo their new home, etc....I am sure some of you are going to say are you jealous? I mean of course there is a tiny bit of jealousy, anyone would be BUT more than anything I don't like the person she is becoming. I can't relate to her and while I am truly happy for her and her blessings i am afraid if I am losing interest she will turn off others too.


So the question is, do I say something to her about how I am feeling? I feel like we have so much to lose, a lifetime of friendship and I hate feeling this way about her because I care for her like a sister but this newfound personality I think she is 'trying on" makes me not want to be around her at all.

[Anonymous]

I'd leave it. This happens in the other direction, too, when someone falls on hard times, it's hard for both friends to relate to each other, the broke friend can become embittered, etc. Yes your friend is changing ... I just don't see how voicing anything about this would lead to anything good! Perhaps others see otherwise.

[Anonymous]

look on the bright side. Maybe she'll let you borrow the condo in the Caymans!
If she talks to you about it, say "I'd love to see it! Sounds great!" If she has any sense, she'll invite you or stop talking about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave it. This happens in the other direction, too, when someone falls on hard times, it's hard for both friends to relate to each other, the broke friend can become embittered, etc. Yes your friend is changing ... I just don't see how voicing anything about this would lead to anything good! Perhaps others see otherwise.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave it. This happens in the other direction, too, when someone falls on hard times, it's hard for both friends to relate to each other, the broke friend can become embittered, etc. Yes your friend is changing ... I just don't see how voicing anything about this would lead to anything good! Perhaps others see otherwise.

+1 Totally agree about leaving it alone. Your friend as you used to know her is living at a different "financial" level and her material priorities have changed.

[Anonymous]

I somewhat disagree with the PPs. While I don't think any good can come of having some heart to heart, where in essence you're asking her to return to her former self (i.e. "there's something wrong with you now") you could very casually say, "You realize I can't relate in any way, right?" See how she responds to a one-time statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:look on the bright side. Maybe she'll let you borrow the condo in the Caymans!
If she talks to you about it, say "I'd love to see it! Sounds great!" If she has any sense, she'll invite you or stop talking about it

This! Celebrate with her rather than judging her and you'll enjoy her new wealth as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:look on the bright side. Maybe she'll let you borrow the condo in the Caymans!
If she talks to you about it, say "I'd love to see it! Sounds great!" If she has any sense, she'll invite you or stop talking about it

I said this, and I agree with it.

At the same time, I know how you feel. I am single and have a hhi in the high five figures. Totally fine, grateful for what I have. But I have a couple friends who got married, are double income around 500,000, and feel they are insensitive. One several times has talked with me about how unfair it is not that she is married she gets taxed so much higher and complains about how high the coop fees are on her 1.5 mil apartment. I feel like saying, "I am not the friend with whom you should complain about having to pay high taxes on your 600,000 joint income when I can barely afford rent."

[Anonymous]

OP--what exactly is different or missing from your past interactions? When you can articulate that, then you might be able to have a productive conversation. Don't try to focus on the why, just focus on pushing yourself to get at the heart of the matter.

For example, if you and your friend used to talk once a week, and now you only talk once a month, then that is the issue. Or if you feel like you are the one initiating every interaction, then that is the issue. Or if you were in the middle of telling her something significant and personal, and suddenly she interrupted you to tell you about fabric swatches for her beach home, that is an issue. Forget all the material things in your friend's life. Focus on your interactions with her NOW. Don't predict what MIGHT happen in the future (as in "will she lose interest in me?) Get to the root of the issue.

If the root is that you are jealous or feeling insecure about "keeping up," then okay, own it. That is YOUR issue, not hers. But if there is a change in how the relationship operates and you can point to specific examples, then talk with her and come to the table with a goal of figuring it out together.

[Anonymous]

No. Just continue being her friend. If it bothers you than lets hope you can see past that. She'll probably swing back around after some time, will be back to her old self after the newness to the new money wears off. Just be patient.

[Anonymous]

It's a new and exciting life for her. She's just sharing her experiences with her best friend. If you really feel like she's changing and becoming shallow and you can't relate, well, then, I guess you can move on and hope she'll come around after she realized money isn't everything.

[Anonymous]

I don't get this, but yet I do a little bit. To me, friends are friends. Some of them have loads more cash than I do, others far less than I do. Is it awkward when you vent about something that either party cannot really relate to, yes.

But in the end, we all got here the same way and we're all going to exit at some point. If your friend's handbag cost $5k and yours is $100, it doesn't matter. What matters are the real connections we make with people.

I say, bring it up and just tell that you are happy for her, but have a hard time relating to her on certain topics if it truly bothers you so much and leave it at that.

I happen to think deep down you are just jealous though. Get over it and be a friend.

[Anonymous]

Think back a few years--as a divorced mom, she might have been hearing your stories of happy married life and thought that she couldn't identify with you. Maybe it even seemed like you were bragging at times!

If she's too over-the-top on a certain topic, particularly if she's complaining about some aspect of her newfound wealth, it's fair to remind her gently that you can't relate. But if she's really like a sister to you, you should remind yourself--repeatedly--that you're so happy that she has found happiness.

[Anonymous]

13:04 and that would accomplish what exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:04 and that would accomplish what exactly?

+1

It would make you look terribly bitchy and insecure to say that.

I swear, do folks even know when they're giving bad advice? It befuddles me.