SAHM friendship issues
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Anonymous
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I am a married SAHM. I work part time at home during naps/evenings and such. But besides a little work, I am by all definitions SAHM. I get to do all the normal SAHM things: playground, library time, 2YO friendly museums, gymnastics class, walking/jogging on park trails, etc. I meet and see pretty much all of the same friends everywhere I go. Sometimes I see the same people 4 times a week, just at these types of activities. In the spring, I even started a weekly playgroup at the park. I posted it through church and also on my facebook, and I've made it super open--anyone who wants to pass the word along can do that. It's not just a "my best friends" or just church people kind of thing. Over the summer, it has grown into a hit! Actually it's even better now that school has started.
But lately I have still been feeling SOOO left out and socially unhappy. It always seems like people are getting together outside these activities, but why am I never invited? OK I won't say NEVER, but it sometimes seems that way. Why are other people developing close friendships, but I never seem to have any BEST friends? I have lots of acquaintances, but no girlfriends I can really talk to. What makes me feel worse is someone who has been living down the street from me for a year now. I'll call her Stephanie (name changed). At these activities, she always ends up having cliquey conversations. I feel like she "preys" on my closest friends, gets really close to them, and then all of a sudden they are best friends. At first I wasn't super annoyed. It seemed normal because of the ages of Stephanie's kids. I have just the one 2YO, and she has a 5YO and almost-3YO. So, she was making friends with those who had older kids too. But there are a couple of situations I find crazy annoying, Stephanie has become friends with a newer woman whose daughter is even younger than mine (call her Kristen). And all of a sudden they are best friends! By the way I have A TON in common with Kristen, and was hoping to be good friends with her. I've had Kristen over so our kids could play, and she has watched my daughter for me while I had a dr's appointment. We used to talk frequently, but lately I can't even get a word in while we're sitting at the park. They're always sitting, having in-depth conversations by themselves. Stephanie also has this annoying habit of conversationally being like "remember what we talked about before?" as if they had this super awesome conversation that others couldn't even begin to understand. You know what I mean? Things like: "Oh hi, Megan, how did that thing go with your mom? Is she doing OK?" And I didn't even KNOW Megan's mom had a thing.... The worst part is I also feel like Stephanie stole my best friend. I did have a best friend for a year or so, and I work with her. All of a sudden they are really close, and also have these exclusive-only-two-people-talking-backs-are-practically-turned-to-not-include-others conversations. And I know they get together a couple times a week otherwise. I hardly ever see my old best friend anymore--only for work. While Stephanie is talking to these friends, I don't even feel like I can join the conversation. And she monopolizes them the WHOLE time... (my only luck has been for those friends to arrive before her). I don't get it! I want to be friendly to everyone! I've been super open to new people. I always have pleasant conversations with people and don't pull any of those kind of cliquey tricks. OK, I know it's OK for people to have their own friendships and relationships. I know I can just keep working on building and maintaining those myself--and this whole debacle is pushing me to do better. BUT... Based on this I have a couple more thing to say: 1) Don't be like "Stephanie." Seriously people. Life is too short to make other people feel marginalized. Maybe stop to think if you are accidentally doing this to someone. 2) Any advice? 3) Is it weird that sometimes I'm secretly upset with my daughter about this? She likes to play on her own frequently at these activities. So it's hard to be near other moms a lot of the time. Ok, I won't blame her. She doesn't know. It's just hard to not see this as an obstacle. |
Anonymous
| OP here: Anyone else feel like this at playgroups? |
Anonymous
| I'm a SAHM who works from home too. I started drifting halfway through your post. It's posts like these that give SAHMs a bad name. This isn't high school, grow up! |
Anonymous
+100 |
Anonymous
OP. Ha ha can I have a do-over? Maybe that's why no friends--I go on too long? 
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Anonymous
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OP, not sure how to say this nicely, but you are way way overthinking this. Your post reads like you're in 10th grade. Just because you are a mom with similar-aged kids doesn't mean you're going to be best friends with anyone. "Stephanie" might just have a lot in common with "Kristin" or maybe their kids happen to really like each other. I didn't read anything that makes Stephanie not seem like a good person - she's just met Kristin and they like each other and have hung out more and more. It's not a reflection on you at all.
So obviously these two women aren't going to be your new best friends - don't take it personally. Seriously you're only going to really want to be friends with a small portion of the people you meet in life - that doesn't change just because you've met a bunch of fellow moms. Honestly if you act anything like your post, I can tell you why people aren't gravitating towards you. And this has NOTHING to do with your daughter. Seriously. What do you do for work? Is there anything interesting about you that people might like? Or do you spend most of your time thinking like you've posted here? |
Anonymous
I think I needed a little tough love on this. Thanks. I don't want to be friends with Stephanie. Just unfortunate. I'll grow up and focus on making other friends. And no, I don't spend time thinking about this a lot. Just today -- I came home from library time feeling alone, despite having just talked to several people. |
Anonymous
Ok, that makes sense. I wasn't trying to be hard on you and I know making friends continues to suck throughout your life sometimes for most people I've felt left out before with other moms too. But you really need to not take any of this personally. And maybe you need to take the classic "dating" advice and get involved in something you love. Volunteer, work at your kid's school, join a club, take up a hobby. I don't mean that to trivialize what you're doing, but if you spend enough time thinking like this that you felt the need to post, it means to me that you need more going on in your life and it could just be that you need to meet people who like the same things you like. Get out there and get busy and this stuff will be a complete non-issue.
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Anonymous
| Are you new to the area? It's funny that you would refer to "Kristin" as your "best friend." Do you have pre-kid friends or anyone from your work that you could be friends with? Honestly I've personally found that forced friendships based on the fact that I have similar-aged kids with someone are very transient. We hang out all the time with the kids, but then as soon as the kids change schools or get into another friend or something, we stop hanging out. They're not really "friends" per se, just good acquaintances. If what you're going after is a really good FRIEND that you can talk to about life stuff and not just kid stuff, I'd advise trying to make friends with someone in your life that isn't based on your kids being friends. |
Anonymous
Great perspective and advice. I moved out of the DC area when I had my daughter. I know, my "best friend" situation is lame. That's why I'm concerned, just feel like I need that role in a friend. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you sound very active and inclusive. I also think lots of playgroup members, SAHMs and WOHM moms do experience things like you are describing, at work and out in the community, but they don't talk about it honestly as you have done here.
I have lived many places, been a member of countless playgroups. We've moved every 2-3 years and I have 3 elementary aged kids. These things come and go, you will likely have forgotten all about it in a year. |
Anonymous
At least DCUMers can drift off! Can't imagine being married to OP! 
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Anonymous
Have you always had that role in your life before kids? I completely get wanting that, but know that you're definitely not alone in not having it. In the past year there was a NYT article on just this actually - how difficult it is to make close friends after college. I have a "best friend," but she was my college roommate. I have lots of fellow moms that I hang out with all the time, some work friends that I see occasionally, and a handful of people I can call on to go out to a movie or something, but none of them I would consider best friends. I think maybe re-evaluating the friend roles you feel like you need in your life might help. You might find that if you have enough social activity day-to-day, you don't need that best girl friend like you always had back in school. If you need someone to have deep talks with, how's your husband or your mom or other parent figure? If you don't have that, you could try divulging a few low-key secrets to one of your closest acquaintances and see how she reacts. You might find someone that wants a deeper relationship too. Or maybe not, but you can work on being happy with the people you do know and the level of social interaction they are giving you. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think you are on to something. My SIL has done this to me for years. She has "stolen" my dearest friends, and after 15 years of this crap, I have learned not to introduce any of my friends to her. She would come to baby showers, bday parties etc., and then proceed to cozy up to my friends. SIL has a wonderful, friendly personality that people are drawn to. Pretty soon, she would secretly exchange phone numbers with my friends and then they were all having lunch and play dates together and excluding me. A very good friend that I used to spend a lot of time with, has not spoken to me in 5 years because my SIL monopolizes her time. I asked my friend why and she said that my SIL would get mad at her if she talked to me. I also suspect that SIL lies about me and paints an unpleasant picture of me. After cutting her off, I realized how it wasn't me causing people to exclude me. I have not had any of those problems since I removed SIL from my life. |
Anonymous
I don't think Kristen is her best friend. Sounds like the best friend is someone else. |