SAHM friendship issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you new to the area? It's funny that you would refer to "Kristin" as your "best friend." Do you have pre-kid friends or anyone from your work that you could be friends with? Honestly I've personally found that forced friendships based on the fact that I have similar-aged kids with someone are very transient. We hang out all the time with the kids, but then as soon as the kids change schools or get into another friend or something, we stop hanging out. They're not really "friends" per se, just good acquaintances. If what you're going after is a really good FRIEND that you can talk to about life stuff and not just kid stuff, I'd advise trying to make friends with someone in your life that isn't based on your kids being friends.

I don't think Kristen is her best friend. Sounds like the best friend is someone else.

OP: Oh no, I've gotta clarify. That work friend is a different person than Kristen.
Last post for a while. Potty training adventures are calling, and then naptime. YES!

[Anonymous]

I think it was C.S. Lewis who wrote something I always found really insightful--people who "just want friends" have a hard time making friends, because friendships (vs. friendly acquaintances) are "about" something--common interests, values, activities, ideas, etc. There are people I like a lot, but I know we'll never be best friends because, although I admire them, we don't have a common bond. And merely having kids the same age isn't really enough to support a friendship.

You may very well be giving off a desperate vibe, and looking for friends to fill a need in your life (vs. the mutuality that is the hallmark of real friendship) plus focusing on "making friends" means that you may not be all that interesting. I know why YOU want a friend, but think about what you bring to the table. What do you have to offer someone else?

[Anonymous]

OP, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am a SAHM and I've been in moms groups for over two years, and while I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances, I haven't met a single person who I would consider a best friend or even a close friend. Yet I see other moms form these cliques, they text all the time, hang out on an impromptu basis, etc. I know that part of it is that I am not as naturally "warm" or approachable as some women are, and another reason is that I am the only mom in my area with a professional degree from a prestigious school (something I never mention, but which anyone who is FB friends with me knows). And, I just don't have a lot in common with most of the women I've met -- politically, religiously, culturally, etc. So these friendships are never going to get past a certain point and I have to be okay with that.

Another thing I've noticed that might be more relevant to you is that the women who seem to worm their way into the cliques the most successfully are highly available and not afraid to put themselves out there and make the first move. So you might have more luck approaching the women you think you would hit it off with one on one and asking them to get together outside of group events.

I don't think you're wrong to feel sad or rejected. It's really hard to make friends at this stage of life but it is normal to feel like you need women friends.

[Anonymous]

I think you are feeling vulnerable. We have all felt this way sometime in your life. It is jarring to have friend "problems" when you are an adult. We expect that crap to be over.

It also sounds like you are gaining some perspective. I think you'll figure this one out When I feel like this, I get busy doing better things. Volunteer where caring people are needed and put your energy to better use!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am a SAHM and I've been in moms groups for over two years, and while I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances, I haven't met a single person who I would consider a best friend or even a close friend. Yet I see other moms form these cliques, they text all the time, hang out on an impromptu basis, etc. I know that part of it is that I am not as naturally "warm" or approachable as some women are, and another reason is that I am the only mom in my area with a professional degree from a prestigious school (something I never mention, but which anyone who is FB friends with me knows). And, I just don't have a lot in common with most of the women I've met -- politically, religiously, culturally, etc. So these friendships are never going to get past a certain point and I have to be okay with that.

Another thing I've noticed that might be more relevant to you is that the women who seem to worm their way into the cliques the most successfully are highly available and not afraid to put themselves out there and make the first move. So you might have more luck approaching the women you think you would hit it off with one on one and asking them to get together outside of group events.

I don't think you're wrong to feel sad or rejected. It's really hard to make friends at this stage of life but it is normal to feel like you need women friends.

I would wager that the first reason you listed (not as warm or approachable) is much more of a reason for your lack of bonding with these women than the next reason (your "professional degree from a prestigious school").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am a SAHM and I've been in moms groups for over two years, and while I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances, I haven't met a single person who I would consider a best friend or even a close friend. Yet I see other moms form these cliques, they text all the time, hang out on an impromptu basis, etc. I know that part of it is that I am not as naturally "warm" or approachable as some women are, and another reason is that I am the only mom in my area with a professional degree from a prestigious school (something I never mention, but which anyone who is FB friends with me knows). And, I just don't have a lot in common with most of the women I've met -- politically, religiously, culturally, etc. So these friendships are never going to get past a certain point and I have to be okay with that.

Another thing I've noticed that might be more relevant to you is that the women who seem to worm their way into the cliques the most successfully are highly available and not afraid to put themselves out there and make the first move. So you might have more luck approaching the women you think you would hit it off with one on one and asking them to get together outside of group events.

I don't think you're wrong to feel sad or rejected. It's really hard to make friends at this stage of life but it is normal to feel like you need women friends.

I would wager that the first reason you listed (not as warm or approachable) is much more of a reason for your lack of bonding with these women than the next reason (your "professional degree from a prestigious school").

Ha! I thought the same thing when I read that. I'm not a warm or approachable person and I'm also an introvert, so I know I've had trouble making friends because of that. I can tell you one thing though - anyone who spends any time making it clear to other people that she went to a "prestigious school" after about age 25 is probably not going to be someone I get along with anyway And PP, it might be on your Facebook page in the "About" section, but that doesn't mean people know it unless you're posting about it all the time. You might be overthinking the prestigious school bit....

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is too long and you sound very annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is too long and you sound very annoying.

Guess this person's not going to be your friend, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am a SAHM and I've been in moms groups for over two years, and while I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances, I haven't met a single person who I would consider a best friend or even a close friend. Yet I see other moms form these cliques, they text all the time, hang out on an impromptu basis, etc. I know that part of it is that I am not as naturally "warm" or approachable as some women are, and another reason is that I am the only mom in my area with a professional degree from a prestigious school (something I never mention, but which anyone who is FB friends with me knows). And, I just don't have a lot in common with most of the women I've met -- politically, religiously, culturally, etc. So these friendships are never going to get past a certain point and I have to be okay with that.

Another thing I've noticed that might be more relevant to you is that the women who seem to worm their way into the cliques the most successfully are highly available and not afraid to put themselves out there and make the first move. So you might have more luck approaching the women you think you would hit it off with one on one and asking them to get together outside of group events.

I don't think you're wrong to feel sad or rejected. It's really hard to make friends at this stage of life but it is normal to feel like you need women friends.

I would wager that the first reason you listed (not as warm or approachable) is much more of a reason for your lack of bonding with these women than the next reason (your "professional degree from a prestigious school").

Ha! I thought the same thing when I read that. I'm not a warm or approachable person and I'm also an introvert, so I know I've had trouble making friends because of that. I can tell you one thing though - anyone who spends any time making it clear to other people that she went to a "prestigious school" after about age 25 is probably not going to be someone I get along with anyway And PP, it might be on your Facebook page in the "About" section, but that doesn't mean people know it unless you're posting about it all the time. You might be overthinking the prestigious school bit....

Seriously, it is called dropping the H-bomb for example, most people that went to Harvard find a way to drop it into conversation within 1 minute, they drop the H Bomb. Call it something else for another ivy. Whatever.

I went to a "prestigious" university, but I wold NEVER bring it up on conversation, I mean why? I graduated 10+ years ago, who cares. FB poster thinks people are intimidated by her prestigious school. I doubt they ever give it a second thought.

[Anonymous]

"Last post for a while. Potty training adventures are calling, and then naptime. YES! "

HUGE turnoff. You are an idiot and/or this post is faux.

[Anonymous]

That seemed facebooky and im not even ON facebook.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Love the NYT article. I read it at the time it was published, and then again today with new eyes.

Yes it is jarring to experience these feelings.

I have a new perspective on friends from all of this. I liked part of the NYT article where someone said: "I take an extremely efficient approach and seek out like-minded folks to fill very specific needs....I have a cocktail friend and a book friend and a parenting friend and several basketball friends and a neighbor friend and a workout friend....It’s much easier filling in those gaps in my life than doing an exhaustive approach for a new friend."

At this stage, a traditional best friend is someone who happens to fit a few of those friend roles at the same time. I don't think I need that anymore.

Thanks all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Love the NYT article. I read it at the time it was published, and then again today with new eyes.

Yes it is jarring to experience these feelings.

I have a new perspective on friends from all of this. I liked part of the NYT article where someone said: "I take an extremely efficient approach and seek out like-minded folks to fill very specific needs....I have a cocktail friend and a book friend and a parenting friend and several basketball friends and a neighbor friend and a workout friend....It’s much easier filling in those gaps in my life than doing an exhaustive approach for a new friend."

At this stage, a traditional best friend is someone who happens to fit a few of those friend roles at the same time. I don't think I need that anymore.

Thanks all.

YES OP, that's exactly what I meant. I had it in my head that I needed this BFF that was my go-to girl like in school and wasn't finding that person. I think it's pretty difficult if not impossible to meet someone like that as an adult. Finding people that fulfill each of your needs works much better. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

try not to take it personally and invite people to "mom night out type stuff" (drinks out after kids bed time, or even have people over too if you are into that) then you can talk to them and your DD wont pull you in the other direction. keep putting yourself out there and inviting people out who you like.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems you are a nice person but there is something weird and off putting about your posts. I think people avoid you because you are, well, weird.
I am sorry, I don't want to be not nice but you wanted feedback.