Siblings kids not invited to wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw kids ruin a first dance at a wedding. Everyone else is supposed to leave, let the couple have their moment. But, no, the kids were break dancing, running and sliding, and all over the place. And just ruined the moment and their parents thought it was just so gosh darn cute. Like they couldn't just tell the kids to wait a few minutes. I felt badly for the bride who tried to stay out of the way yet still have her dance. She wasn't going to get a father/daughter dance b/c her dad was dying of ALS at the time.

My MIL did this at my wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw kids ruin a first dance at a wedding. Everyone else is supposed to leave, let the couple have their moment. But, no, the kids were break dancing, running and sliding, and all over the place. And just ruined the moment and their parents thought it was just so gosh darn cute. Like they couldn't just tell the kids to wait a few minutes. I felt badly for the bride who tried to stay out of the way yet still have her dance. She wasn't going to get a father/daughter dance b/c her dad was dying of ALS at the time.

My MIL did this at my wedding

She was break dancing and sliding on her knees? She must have been pretty limber and athletic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I saw kids ruin a first dance at a wedding. Everyone else is supposed to leave, let the couple have their moment. But, no, the kids were break dancing, running and sliding, and all over the place. And just ruined the moment and their parents thought it was just so gosh darn cute. Like they couldn't just tell the kids to wait a few minutes. I felt badly for the bride who tried to stay out of the way yet still have her dance. She wasn't going to get a father/daughter dance b/c her dad was dying of ALS at the time.

My MIL did this at my wedding

She was break dancing and sliding on her knees? She must have been pretty limber and athletic.

Ha! That would have been amazing! I would have gladly stopped my dance and cheered her on!
She was just drunkenly dancing alone on the cleared dance floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

It doesn't make sense to you because you have decided there is a right way and a wrong way to do a wedding. You want to know how anyone can do it wrong and why they bother at all because in your mind it's not a wedding and they should just go the courthouse. The condescension is loud and clear. I have been to lots of weddings and fhave never been to one where all the friends of the bride and groom bring their entire families. It's just not done, and it's known to get a sitter.

I haven’t decided there is a right or wrong way to do a wedding. I haven’t decided that if you are doing it the “wrong” way, then you should go to a courthouse, (although I understand why pp said that because if I didn’t feel so much pressure to invite family and friends, that’s what I would have done).

Have the wedding you want. I don’t care if you have kids there or not or whether you invite your mom or your grandma. If you want to have a huge wedding that is attended by people that you invited off the street or paid actors or a troop of jugglers that meets you at the top of a mountain, that’s fine by me. I was just curious about your motivation for it.

You really do care about the wedding others want. You say all that but then you're like "I just really want to know why...." make up your mind.

I honestly feel like this is what I have been saying over and over again from the beginning.
Why is it more important to have no kids at your wedding than it is to have the people you love there?
I just want to know why.

All anyone has done is swear at me or call me judgmental. I’m not judging. I’m just curious.

NP. I think some people’s vision of their wedding is centered around an image or experience with their soon to be spouse. The guests are invited as a courtesy not an integral part of the vision. I personally am a “don’t care where or when it is so long as I can afford it and my sister and parents are present” person but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone who thinks people whose vision of their perfect marriage ceremony is “staring into the eyes of the love of my life on a idyllic beach at sunset” or “elaborate party with at least 1000 people is black tie at the nicest hotel in Singapore” or “[insert highly specific cultural rituals here]”. And those visions may not incorporate or require children or indeed other specific guests so the location, time, and amount guests will travel are not really high considerations in planning. The bride and groom will be focusing on whatever part of the experience is there priority which some upthread have called self indulgent but I think weddings are really supposed to be about the couple getting married so I think it’s fine? I won’t attend if it’s too far or expensive or no kids (childcare is hard to find and expensive!) but I’m not bent out of shape about it.

+1

I know people who had a parent dying of a deadly disease during their wedding, so the bride and groom really only wanted their parents there, and anyone else could show up with a smile, or stay home.

There are reasons, OP. You may not know or like what those reasons are, but as long as it is not YOUR wedding, then stop making trouble. If you are married, you already HAD your day, and this is not the time for your tantrum.

<thunderous applause>

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We politely decline most no-kids weddings. I only make an exception if I know there is a real hardship (financial/venue limitations/etc) and then in that case either myself or DH go solo. If it purely because of a pretentious bride or groom, no thank you.

It is not pretentious to not want your wedding ruined crying, tantrum throwing , messy, noisy brats. This is particularly true with parents who think their snowflakes are just too precious for words and everybody just loves them!

+1

Only parents think their actual kids are adorable - not anyone else's kid. Just because I might be good with my kid, doesn't mean I feel like tolerating anyone else's kid.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, give it a rest. The thread is over. OP admitted that the “infant” is 11 mos and the wedding is a 1-hour flight away/not a destination wedding.

Is your name Jeff? No? Then take a seat.

No.

Here, let me make it a little clearer for you. You aren’t the moderator.
You don’t decide when a “thread is over.”
Nobody gives a damn if you command them to “give it a rest.”

Glad you’re all caught up now. Happy to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

It doesn't make sense to you because you have decided there is a right way and a wrong way to do a wedding. You want to know how anyone can do it wrong and why they bother at all because in your mind it's not a wedding and they should just go the courthouse. The condescension is loud and clear. I have been to lots of weddings and fhave never been to one where all the friends of the bride and groom bring their entire families. It's just not done, and it's known to get a sitter.

I haven’t decided there is a right or wrong way to do a wedding. I haven’t decided that if you are doing it the “wrong” way, then you should go to a courthouse, (although I understand why pp said that because if I didn’t feel so much pressure to invite family and friends, that’s what I would have done).

Have the wedding you want. I don’t care if you have kids there or not or whether you invite your mom or your grandma. If you want to have a huge wedding that is attended by people that you invited off the street or paid actors or a troop of jugglers that meets you at the top of a mountain, that’s fine by me. I was just curious about your motivation for it.

You really do care about the wedding others want. You say all that but then you're like "I just really want to know why...." make up your mind.

I honestly feel like this is what I have been saying over and over again from the beginning.
Why is it more important to have no kids at your wedding than it is to have the people you love there?
I just want to know why.

All anyone has done is swear at me or call me judgmental. I’m not judging. I’m just curious.

Because it's not an either or. The people will come and will leave their kids with a sitter. Why do you think nobody will come if the kids aren't invited?

I think that the other poster explained this well.

It isn’t that I think that no one will come. It’s that if you don’t care about your sister coming, then you probably don’t really care about any specific person coming. And, from my perspective, if you don’t care about the people who are coming, then why do it?

I see what pp said though, annd with that lens, I can go back annd understand previous comments. They see the wedding and reception as being about the bride and groom and their vision for that day. Maybe they are recreating something from the time they were dating or something else. The guests are more of an afterthought. It’s not really about them, and they are welcome to attend or not.

This is why some people are saying “don’t go to your sister’s wedding” like it’s not a big deal. For them, it really wouldn’t be a big deal. The point of the wedding is to have this special moment with their spouse. They can see their sister another time. She’s not what this day is about.
And others, like me, are saying, “just tell your sister that you want to bring your baby” like it’s not a big deal. For me, the point of the wedding was to have guests there with us. If my sister needed to bring her kids or her goat or whatever to feel comfortable, then that was fine with me. I have many opportunities to have special moments between myself and my husband. This event was about my guests.

Anyway, I really appreciate pp’s perspective.

I think you're overestimating the extent that people want to bring their kids to a wedding and won't go if they can't bring the kids. If you read the other wedding related thread a whole lot of people aren't bothered by no kids, even when they have kids. It's not a hardship for them to get a sitter. It's not a matter of "not caring" rather its an expected norm that a wedding and reception are for adults with maybe a very small handful of kids. There is no expectation to bring the whole family because there are plenty of other opportunities for that kind of get together, like a BBQ any other weekend.

To be fair, I would have exactly the same response of “why” if people wanted a backyard BBQ feel and insisted that people bring their children.
I just didn’t get why you would feel the need to specify what people do with their children rather than just do whatever is easiest.
I get it now though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling is having a weekday, outdoor, daytime, destination wedding and I was just informed that children under 18 are not invited. I thought I may have a special exception since my toddler ages kids are her nieces and nephews, but I’m now expected not to bring them. My sibling is totally clueless about childcare logistics and separation anxiety, so doesn’t realize what a burden this is. How can I politely ask if my kids can attend either the ceremony or reception?

OP, My nieces kids were not invited to her sister's upcoming wedding. The niece has a newborn. My niece and her husband are flying husband's Dad and Step Mom to the town of the wedding. Dad and Step Mom are going to stay in the hotel and babysit the newborn while niece and husband are at the wedding. Niece is actually in the wedding. Their other two sons will be watched by husband's Mom and Step Dad in their home town.

It is a huge burden. Niece is paying for two extra airfares and also an extra hotel room for Dad and Step Mom to watch the newborn. The two older boys would be fine at a wedding.

I find it very, very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ll still be nursing the littlest so my preference is to bring the kids with ILs to watch them or pay for a trusted friend to come on the trip with us as a nanny. I’m not in the wedding. I have a small family so really only have family weddings every 10 years, so I don’t want my spouse to miss. Maybe I should be more specific and ask my sibling if we can baby wear the child under 1 since they won’t need a seat/plate and won’t be running around? The ceremony will be 30 mins and the breakfast reception will be 3 hours max since it’s non-traditional. Just not sure if I’m being unreasonable to ask.

I don’t think it is reasonable to ask if you can wear the baby. You can be apart from the baby for 3 1/2 hours.

That leave our travel time from accommodations to venue and back. That would have been too long of a window for me when nursing (3.5 hours would have been pushing it).

She isn’t in the wedding. She wants her spouse to go too. She asked if we think it’s reasonable for her to ask to wear the baby, and my answer is that it isn’t. The wedding is not about the OP but wearing a baby to a child-free wedding will certainly make it so.

I have been a many childfree weddings where someone was wearing an infant.
It really isn’t a big deal. It’s not anything I’ve ever heard of anyone being offended about either.

There is no way that bringing the baby is going to be more annoying than the brides sister pumping in the bathroom.

Yes, it is going to be more annoying. And most nice wedding venues (unless they’re getting married on a beach or something) have an individual bathroom or small private room somewhere in the facility that can be arranged in advance for the sister to pump.

Next excuse?

It’s not an “excuse.” It’s my own personal lived experience.
OP has since revealed that the infant is 11 months old, which is different.
But seeing someone wearing a 2-3 month old is not annoying at all.
Seeing someone pumping in the ladies room or looking for a suitable place to pump is “slightly” annoying.

Neither of those things need to happen with advance planning and coordination with the venue prior to the wedding, as was already previously covered in the post you replied to.

Next excuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling is having a weekday, outdoor, daytime, destination wedding and I was just informed that children under 18 are not invited. I thought I may have a special exception since my toddler ages kids are her nieces and nephews, but I’m now expected not to bring them. My sibling is totally clueless about childcare logistics and separation anxiety, so doesn’t realize what a burden this is. How can I politely ask if my kids can attend either the ceremony or reception?

OP, My nieces kids were not invited to her sister's upcoming wedding. The niece has a newborn. My niece and her husband are flying husband's Dad and Step Mom to the town of the wedding. Dad and Step Mom are going to stay in the hotel and babysit the newborn while niece and husband are at the wedding. Niece is actually in the wedding. Their other two sons will be watched by husband's Mom and Step Dad in their home town.

It is a huge burden. Niece is paying for two extra airfares and also an extra hotel room for Dad and Step Mom to watch the newborn. The two older boys would be fine at a wedding.

I find it very, very sad.

Not “sad” at all and “paying for two extra airfares and also an extra hotel room” was her CHOICE. She goes to the wedding and the children stay at home with their FATHER. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling is having a weekday, outdoor, daytime, destination wedding and I was just informed that children under 18 are not invited. I thought I may have a special exception since my toddler ages kids are her nieces and nephews, but I’m now expected not to bring them. My sibling is totally clueless about childcare logistics and separation anxiety, so doesn’t realize what a burden this is. How can I politely ask if my kids can attend either the ceremony or reception?

OP, My nieces kids were not invited to her sister's upcoming wedding. The niece has a newborn. My niece and her husband are flying husband's Dad and Step Mom to the town of the wedding. Dad and Step Mom are going to stay in the hotel and babysit the newborn while niece and husband are at the wedding. Niece is actually in the wedding. Their other two sons will be watched by husband's Mom and Step Dad in their home town.

It is a huge burden. Niece is paying for two extra airfares and also an extra hotel room for Dad and Step Mom to watch the newborn. The two older boys would be fine at a wedding.

I find it very, very sad.

Not “sad” at all and “paying for two extra airfares and also an extra hotel room” was her CHOICE. She goes to the wedding and the children stay at home with their FATHER. Done.

I’m going to guess that he is also invited to the wedding, if not in it.

Do other people seriously not consider their SIL or BIL family members?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ll still be nursing the littlest so my preference is to bring the kids with ILs to watch them or pay for a trusted friend to come on the trip with us as a nanny. I’m not in the wedding. I have a small family so really only have family weddings every 10 years, so I don’t want my spouse to miss. Maybe I should be more specific and ask my sibling if we can baby wear the child under 1 since they won’t need a seat/plate and won’t be running around? The ceremony will be 30 mins and the breakfast reception will be 3 hours max since it’s non-traditional. Just not sure if I’m being unreasonable to ask.

I don’t think it is reasonable to ask if you can wear the baby. You can be apart from the baby for 3 1/2 hours.

That leave our travel time from accommodations to venue and back. That would have been too long of a window for me when nursing (3.5 hours would have been pushing it).

She isn’t in the wedding. She wants her spouse to go too. She asked if we think it’s reasonable for her to ask to wear the baby, and my answer is that it isn’t. The wedding is not about the OP but wearing a baby to a child-free wedding will certainly make it so.

I have been a many childfree weddings where someone was wearing an infant.
It really isn’t a big deal. It’s not anything I’ve ever heard of anyone being offended about either.

There is no way that bringing the baby is going to be more annoying than the brides sister pumping in the bathroom.

Yes, it is going to be more annoying. And most nice wedding venues (unless they’re getting married on a beach or something) have an individual bathroom or small private room somewhere in the facility that can be arranged in advance for the sister to pump.

Next excuse?

It’s not an “excuse.” It’s my own personal lived experience.
OP has since revealed that the infant is 11 months old, which is different.
But seeing someone wearing a 2-3 month old is not annoying at all.
Seeing someone pumping in the ladies room or looking for a suitable place to pump is “slightly” annoying.

Neither of those things need to happen with advance planning and coordination with the venue prior to the wedding, as was already previously covered in the post you replied to.

Next excuse?

Excuse for what? This is something I find kind of annoying in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, give it a rest. The thread is over. OP admitted that the “infant” is 11 mos and the wedding is a 1-hour flight away/not a destination wedding.

Is your name Jeff? No? Then take a seat.

No.

Here, let me make it a little clearer for you. You aren’t the moderator.
You don’t decide when a “thread is over.”
Nobody gives a damn if you command them to “give it a rest.”

Glad you’re all caught up now. Happy to help.

STFU.

[Anonymous]

I asked once because I had breastfeeding newborn and was told no kids. So we didn't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It doesn't make sense to you because you have decided there is a right way and a wrong way to do a wedding. You want to know how anyone can do it wrong and why they bother at all because in your mind it's not a wedding and they should just go the courthouse. The condescension is loud and clear. I have been to lots of weddings and fhave never been to one where all the friends of the bride and groom bring their entire families. It's just not done, and it's known to get a sitter.

I haven’t decided there is a right or wrong way to do a wedding. I haven’t decided that if you are doing it the “wrong” way, then you should go to a courthouse, (although I understand why pp said that because if I didn’t feel so much pressure to invite family and friends, that’s what I would have done).

Have the wedding you want. I don’t care if you have kids there or not or whether you invite your mom or your grandma. If you want to have a huge wedding that is attended by people that you invited off the street or paid actors or a troop of jugglers that meets you at the top of a mountain, that’s fine by me. I was just curious about your motivation for it.

You really do care about the wedding others want. You say all that but then you're like "I just really want to know why...." make up your mind.

I honestly feel like this is what I have been saying over and over again from the beginning.
Why is it more important to have no kids at your wedding than it is to have the people you love there?
I just want to know why.

All anyone has done is swear at me or call me judgmental. I’m not judging. I’m just curious.

Because it's not an either or. The people will come and will leave their kids with a sitter. Why do you think nobody will come if the kids aren't invited?

I think that the other poster explained this well.

It isn’t that I think that no one will come. It’s that if you don’t care about your sister coming, then you probably don’t really care about any specific person coming. And, from my perspective, if you don’t care about the people who are coming, then why do it?

I see what pp said though, annd with that lens, I can go back annd understand previous comments. They see the wedding and reception as being about the bride and groom and their vision for that day. Maybe they are recreating something from the time they were dating or something else. The guests are more of an afterthought. It’s not really about them, and they are welcome to attend or not.

This is why some people are saying “don’t go to your sister’s wedding” like it’s not a big deal. For them, it really wouldn’t be a big deal. The point of the wedding is to have this special moment with their spouse. They can see their sister another time. She’s not what this day is about.
And others, like me, are saying, “just tell your sister that you want to bring your baby” like it’s not a big deal. For me, the point of the wedding was to have guests there with us. If my sister needed to bring her kids or her goat or whatever to feel comfortable, then that was fine with me. I have many opportunities to have special moments between myself and my husband. This event was about my guests.

Anyway, I really appreciate pp’s perspective.

I think you're overestimating the extent that people want to bring their kids to a wedding and won't go if they can't bring the kids. If you read the other wedding related thread a whole lot of people aren't bothered by no kids, even when they have kids. It's not a hardship for them to get a sitter. It's not a matter of "not caring" rather its an expected norm that a wedding and reception are for adults with maybe a very small handful of kids. There is no expectation to bring the whole family because there are plenty of other opportunities for that kind of get together, like a BBQ any other weekend.

To be fair, I would have exactly the same response of “why” if people wanted a backyard BBQ feel and insisted that people bring their children.
I just didn’t get why you would feel the need to specify what people do with their children rather than just do whatever is easiest.
I get it now though.

Nobody is telling you what to do with the kids they are saying they aren’t hosting them. The kids are not invited. If kids are welcome at the bbq its not a demand, you can still leave them home with a sitter. This is all so very easy to understand.