heading into middle school, what do you wish you had known or wish you had done?

[Anonymous]

We are heading into middle school. I thought I'd tap into the collective wisdom of DCUM. What tips/advice do you have for us? I'd say the kids (twins) are about average for excitement/nervousness, so I don't have a particular concern/question. Just thought I'd like to hear from those of you that have gone before....

[Anonymous]

I have a boy and I will say IME, the girls were all into the girlfriend/boyfriend thing, so that's when it all started. And also the girls were super aggressive, or perhaps the boys were just super immature.

If your kids have cell be sure to monitor and occasionally check their text/internet/phone log to see what they have been doing. I'm a big advocate of that and it's been eye opening and led to some good discussions with my son. I suggest letting your kid know you will be checking these things, btw, as opposed to doing it behind their back.

My kid is in 8th grade this year, so it's HS for us next year. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Make sure they are involved in activities outside of school.MS is so cliquey and especially for girls, can be a hard social adjustment. Having activities and friends outside of the MS gives the kids lots of different social outlets. They connect with kids that enjoy doing what they do.

[Anonymous]

Mine is starting 7th soon (second year of middle school). Things went really smoothly the first year. My advice:

1. Encourage your kids to do an afterschool sport, club, or other activity at school each season. these are essential for socializing and developing time management skills. (An activity outside of school is great for the latter , but the social aspect of having less structured time with classmates is essential.)

2. Help with organizational skills as much as you need to the first year so that your kids get off on the right track. They need to use an agenda/calendar, keep a schedule of classes, take the right books to/from school each day, schedule their own work on projects spread out over days or weeks, etc. It's a big step up for most kids, and some need a lot of hand-holding at first until they get the hang of it.

3. Definitely monitor social media, cell phone, Internet use, and most importantly, the total amount of TIME your middle schooler is spending on this generally time-wasting stuff. (My kid likes Instagram as much as anyone, but she is not given carte blanche at age 12!) Start an iron-clad rule now: no cell phones/ipads, etc., in the room while doing homework. All electronics must be in parents' possession or otherwise packed away an hour before bedtime.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the great tips, everyone! Keep 'em coming!

[Anonymous]

Ill echo a few things. One thing I feel like I did right early on was to instill good habits (never procrastinate, break projects down into small parts and set a schedule, etc.) and make my expectations clear. Homework was never optional starting in kindergarten. Kids were taught to be responsible for their work as their age and maturity allowed. So we started with a great foundation.

Monitor texts and online activity. You'll be amazed at the stupid things kids do and it's a great opportunity to teach social skills as well as monitor for things you don't want them doing. And, it gives you an idea of your child's interests beyond what they talk to you about. Also monitor photos. Keep ahead of technology. I missed the Instagram memo and it caused problems- took me weeks to get rid of adults posing as kids who had connected with my oldest. Also, I missed a few online games where my kids could be friended - no harm, no foul here for us, but I was lucky.

Use middle school to teach your kid to be independent even if it means he/she fails at some things. Not much about middle school counts but once they leave middle school, everything does. So it's your window of opportunity. I started by managing through Edline to teaching my kids to manage themselves through Edline.

Don't make punishments/consequences too onerous. It's a fragile time. If you give what you later think is an unreasonable consequence or punishment, figure out a way to take it back without losing face with your kids.

And, if your child can get involved in a sport or some activity, he/she will get an identity, which brings respect.

Do your best to keep communication open in case there is bullying or problems. I had a few occasions where I had to go to work late because it wasn't until the reality of getting on the bus that one of mine could tell me about serious problems. The fact that I did go in late so that I could take care of my son really promoted his trust in me.

Learn to talk to your child about everything - pimples, sex, hair, Christmas gifts for boyfriend/girlfriends, shaving, hygiene, manners, being thoughtful. They need a lot of guidance in middle school on this and you have to figure out how to talk without embarrassing or alienating your child. i bet i have 20 mini conversations about this sort of thing everyday. you didnt wash your face well enough - it has oily spots, you texted that girl too many times without waiting for a response, maybe you need a second shower today, I cant smell toothpaste and I'm sure you just,brushed your teeth so maybe you need to go back over them, I didn't see a weeks worth of underwear in the laundry this week, I took a look at Edline and it looks like you're missing some homework, etc. As an aside, it's unbelievable how much boys start to stink, especially their feet.

Pick your battles. If it doesn't matter, let your child deal with the natural consequences. For example, mine fight coats and long pants. I bought them coats that roll up onto a ball the size of a grapefruit. They have to leave the house every cold day with the coat, but once the door was closed, I didn't ask and they didn't tell. They never did wear the coats, but they also never complained about the cold and they never got frostbite.

I have moved on to high school and can honestly say that middle school years were great. There were moments, but just moments. The school curriculum was amazing and my kids turned into these really interesting people who became capable and responsible.

[Anonymous]

Teach organization skills. There's a hell of a lot of paper, and it is really hard for some kids to manage.

At least for us, leaving it up to my son to solve on his own and "learn his own lessons" would not have worked (he'd have simply shut down and underachieved). We certainly let there be consequences (there have to be) but we worked hard to make sure the lessons were appropriate for where he was.

And then... pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

NP here. This is all really helpful. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Keep busy with activities. The more time spent brooding over cliques (girls!!) the worse. Remind them not to compare themselves only to the prettiest/ skinniest /most popular. There are many body types -- and in MS there is much emphasis on a "one type is best" model. Gently try to break away from that body thinking.

[Anonymous]

Be sympathetic to their emotional pain without trying too much to solve it when it is about friends.

[Anonymous]

- how to use a locker (how to use the lock, how to no longer have a desk, basically how to live out of a locker)
- i gave DD a makeup case to put tampons and pantyliners in (many of her friends started doing the same when they found out about it)
- how to study. DD never had to study in elementary school. she never got more than two wrong on any test. all of a sudden she needed to learn study skills
- how to be independent without being disrespectful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Learn to talk to your child about everything - pimples, sex, hair, Christmas gifts for boyfriend/girlfriends, shaving, hygiene, manners, being thoughtful. They need a lot of guidance in middle school on this and you have to figure out how to talk without embarrassing or alienating your child. i bet i have 20 mini conversations about this sort of thing everyday. you didnt wash your face well enough - it has oily spots, you texted that girl too many times without waiting for a response, maybe you need a second shower today, I cant smell toothpaste and I'm sure you just,brushed your teeth so maybe you need to go back over them, I didn't see a weeks worth of underwear in the laundry this week, I took a look at Edline and it looks like you're missing some homework, etc. As an aside, it's unbelievable how much boys start to stink, especially their feet.

Pick your battles. If it doesn't matter, let your child deal with the natural consequences. For example, mine fight coats and long pants. I bought them coats that roll up onto a ball the size of a grapefruit. They have to leave the house every cold day with the coat, but once the door was closed, I didn't ask and they didn't tell. They never did wear the coats, but they also never complained about the cold and they never got frostbite.

How very hypocritical. You say pick your battles/deal with the natural consequences, but you then you tell the, they didn't wash their face well enough, didn't brush their teeth well enough, homework isn't done, not enough underwear, need to wear a coat etc. Horribly overbearing. My son would be mortified if I told him he texted a girl too many times. OP, ignore this post. Letting your kids figure stuff out on their own is a good tool. Don't micromanage their lives. Didnt wear a coat? Okay, so you we're super cold waiting for the bus. You learned to wear one tomorrow! Texted a girl too many times? She got annoyed with you and you learned that it's better not to text too much. Didn't shower? You smell, and noticed your horrible stench while sitting in class. And so on and so forth. If they want advice, they'll ask...and unless there's a serious problem, don't sweat the small stuff like this mother does. Middle schoolers are invincible after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Learn to talk to your child about everything - pimples, sex, hair, Christmas gifts for boyfriend/girlfriends, shaving, hygiene, manners, being thoughtful. They need a lot of guidance in middle school on this and you have to figure out how to talk without embarrassing or alienating your child. i bet i have 20 mini conversations about this sort of thing everyday. you didnt wash your face well enough - it has oily spots, you texted that girl too many times without waiting for a response, maybe you need a second shower today, I cant smell toothpaste and I'm sure you just,brushed your teeth so maybe you need to go back over them, I didn't see a weeks worth of underwear in the laundry this week, I took a look at Edline and it looks like you're missing some homework, etc. As an aside, it's unbelievable how much boys start to stink, especially their feet.

Pick your battles. If it doesn't matter, let your child deal with the natural consequences. For example, mine fight coats and long pants. I bought them coats that roll up onto a ball the size of a grapefruit. They have to leave the house every cold day with the coat, but once the door was closed, I didn't ask and they didn't tell. They never did wear the coats, but they also never complained about the cold and they never got frostbite.

How very hypocritical. You say pick your battles/deal with the natural consequences, but you then you tell the, they didn't wash their face well enough, didn't brush their teeth well enough, homework isn't done, not enough underwear, need to wear a coat etc. Horribly overbearing. My son would be mortified if I told him he texted a girl too many times. OP, ignore this post. Letting your kids figure stuff out on their own is a good tool. Don't micromanage their lives. Didnt wear a coat? Okay, so you we're super cold waiting for the bus. You learned to wear one tomorrow! Texted a girl too many times? She got annoyed with you and you learned that it's better not to text too much. Didn't shower? You smell, and noticed your horrible stench while sitting in class. And so on and so forth. If they want advice, they'll ask...and unless there's a serious problem, don't sweat the small stuff like this mother does. Middle schoolers are invincible after all.

I agree but not on the hygiene issues. Boys really do need someone to teach them good hygiene. My dh's husband did not and I almost dumped him for it. I literally had to teach him stuff like, if you smell, shower. If your breath smells, brush your teeth. Moms, please teach your sons hygiene!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ill echo a few things. One thing I feel like I did right early on was to instill good habits (never procrastinate, break projects down into small parts and set a schedule, etc.) and make my expectations clear. Homework was never optional starting in kindergarten. Kids were taught to be responsible for their work as their age and maturity allowed. So we started with a great foundation.

Monitor texts and online activity. You'll be amazed at the stupid things kids do and it's a great opportunity to teach social skills as well as monitor for things you don't want them doing. And, it gives you an idea of your child's interests beyond what they talk to you about. Also monitor photos. Keep ahead of technology. I missed the Instagram memo and it caused problems- took me weeks to get rid of adults posing as kids who had connected with my oldest. Also, I missed a few online games where my kids could be friended - no harm, no foul here for us, but I was lucky.

Use middle school to teach your kid to be independent even if it means he/she fails at some things. Not much about middle school counts but once they leave middle school, everything does. So it's your window of opportunity. I started by managing through Edline to teaching my kids to manage themselves through Edline.

Don't make punishments/consequences too onerous. It's a fragile time. If you give what you later think is an unreasonable consequence or punishment, figure out a way to take it back without losing face with your kids.

And, if your child can get involved in a sport or some activity, he/she will get an identity, which brings respect.

Do your best to keep communication open in case there is bullying or problems. I had a few occasions where I had to go to work late because it wasn't until the reality of getting on the bus that one of mine could tell me about serious problems. The fact that I did go in late so that I could take care of my son really promoted his trust in me.

Learn to talk to your child about everything - pimples, sex, hair, Christmas gifts for boyfriend/girlfriends, shaving, hygiene, manners, being thoughtful. They need a lot of guidance in middle school on this and you have to figure out how to talk without embarrassing or alienating your child. i bet i have 20 mini conversations about this sort of thing everyday. you didnt wash your face well enough - it has oily spots, you texted that girl too many times without waiting for a response, maybe you need a second shower today, I cant smell toothpaste and I'm sure you just,brushed your teeth so maybe you need to go back over them, I didn't see a weeks worth of underwear in the laundry this week, I took a look at Edline and it looks like you're missing some homework, etc. As an aside, it's unbelievable how much boys start to stink, especially their feet.

Pick your battles. If it doesn't matter, let your child deal with the natural consequences. For example, mine fight coats and long pants. I bought them coats that roll up onto a ball the size of a grapefruit. They have to leave the house every cold day with the coat, but once the door was closed, I didn't ask and they didn't tell. They never did wear the coats, but they also never complained about the cold and they never got frostbite.

I have moved on to high school and can honestly say that middle school years were great. There were moments, but just moments. The school curriculum was amazing and my kids turned into these really interesting people who became capable and responsible.



Just outstanding advice. MS boys are idiots. Nice idiots but they need to be supervised at every turn especially in the hygiene area.

[Anonymous]

"Just outstanding advice. MS boys are idiots. Nice idiots but they need to be supervised at every turn especially in the hygiene area."

I agree completely. They eventually do grow into people who remember to bathe and use a toothbrush and deoderant, but boy, does it take a while.

When the puberty hormones started to trickle in around, oh, ELEVEN, my son suddenly became a total space cadet about everything.