have a very obese sibling

[Anonymous]

My brother is morbidly obese and I am so so scared for him. Is there anything I can say to help? If I bring it up, I'm telling him something he already knows. Would it be out of line to tell him that I love him very much and am scared for him? To please address the weight issue? I don't know what to do. thank you.

[Anonymous]

When I was about 24, my boyfriend and I went to a work function and I was all dressed up. A professional photog took pics of us, and we did a funny pose where he jumped up into my arms. I sent my mom a few wallet size pics of this pose, thinking she'd get a kick out of them. Instrad, my brother used them as a springboard for a serious conversation about my "morbid obesity".

I had gained about 50 pounds during a deep depression and while on SSRI's. The pic was taken as I was emerging from this dark period, feeling better about myself, exercising, taking better care of myself. The dress I wore was my first new dress since college. But my brother's reaction tipped me back into a pit of self-loathing. What an idiot I was to think anyone could look at that pic and see a joyful woman, looking pretty for a special occasion, joyfully bring playful with ana who loved her? All my brother could see was FAT. All I could then see in the pic was FAT.

It was the last new dress I bought for nearly a decade. I was fat, all anyone could see was fat, so I told myself I need to wait until I diet and exercise more before I could buy another. I dieted, I exercised, I binged, I hated myself, I gained more weight, I isolated myself. I gained about 59 more pounds.

If your brother is fat, he already knows it. Telling him his fat worries you wouk at best, shame you

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sure that i he could address the weight issue in a way that helped him lose weight, he would. You saying anything will only make him feel worse. Fat people KNOW they're fat. Fat people KNOW it's unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Same with my bro. I brought it up with his wife, who is not overweight, but she was defensive, too. Do you know if he sees a doctor regularly? Maybe you could suggest he get a checkup, perhaps because of some family history you share, and then the doctor will impress upon him the umpitance of taking better care of himself?

[Anonymous]

Do you live near your brother? I'm overweight, and no amount of telling me I'm fat and you're worried about me is going to help, but I'd love it if someone told me they were trying to get in better shape, (even though they meant me), and asked me if I wanted to be walking partners or something. People have a lot of time to judge, but little time to actually help others.

[Anonymous]

Telling him you're scared for him sounds like a boatload of overkill to me. And I don't know how he's supposed to process that, OP.

Frankly, you need to own your own fear.

[Anonymous]

I'm fat but I do watch what I eat for the most part and I do exercise often, I'm not nor have I ever been morbidly obese (FWIW: both of my grandmothers live well into their 80's, even one well past 90 and they both carried some extra weight on them). I have a sibling who is fat but she doesn't exercise or eat right and she has been experiencing some health problems as a result - she really worries me. Thankfully, she has taken it upon herself to order a diet meal program with the goal of losing some weight quickly and learning portion control. I think for her it will be a good first step towards achieving better health.

My advice: hang out with your sibling, love them don't focus in on how FAT they are. If it comes up casually in conversation, it's o.k. to mention some diet/exercise ideas.

[Anonymous]

I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

Because merely stating the OBVIOUS isn't helpful and can actually be counterproductive. Also, you can't assume that the person is not aware of the problem and/or trying to do something about it.

Unless you are offering to pay for some sort of weight loss program, fitness counseling, fat camp - you probably are being more intrusive than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you live near your brother? I'm overweight, and no amount of telling me I'm fat and you're worried about me is going to help, but I'd love it if someone told me they were trying to get in better shape, (even though they meant me), and asked me if I wanted to be walking partners or something. People have a lot of time to judge, but little time to actually help others.

Ack. Not me. I actually find that to be very condescending actually - especially since I already do exercise and I don't need them to "motivate" me, thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

Another annoying one - invite them out to lunch or over to dinner to specifically "Model" good eating habits for them. Show them how much you know about portion control and teach them how to order off the menu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

Because merely stating the OBVIOUS isn't helpful and can actually be counterproductive. Also, you can't assume that the person is not aware of the problem and/or trying to do something about it.

Unless you are offering to pay for some sort of weight loss program, fitness counseling, fat camp - you probably are being more intrusive than anything else.

But how is that different? Is there a person on the planet who doesn't know that driving drunk isn't self-destructive behavior? Or drug use? Are you also suggesting that in those situations, offering concern for the individual would be "counterproductive" and "intrusive?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

Because merely stating the OBVIOUS isn't helpful and can actually be counterproductive. Also, you can't assume that the person is not aware of the problem and/or trying to do something about it.

Unless you are offering to pay for some sort of weight loss program, fitness counseling, fat camp - you probably are being more intrusive than anything else.

But how is that different? Is there a person on the planet who doesn't know that driving drunk isn't self-destructive behavior? Or drug use? Are you also suggesting that in those situations, offering concern for the individual would be "counterproductive" and "intrusive?"

Drunk driving is dangerous, ILLEGAL behavior that could result in a tragedy for other blameless people...there's a substantial difference. Life would be Hell for ALL of us if concerned relatives/friends continually "intervened" every time they thought we were making bad choices for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

Because merely stating the OBVIOUS isn't helpful and can actually be counterproductive. Also, you can't assume that the person is not aware of the problem and/or trying to do something about it.

Unless you are offering to pay for some sort of weight loss program, fitness counseling, fat camp - you probably are being more intrusive than anything else.

But how is that different? Is there a person on the planet who doesn't know that driving drunk isn't self-destructive behavior? Or drug use? Are you also suggesting that in those situations, offering concern for the individual would be "counterproductive" and "intrusive?"

Drunk driving is dangerous, ILLEGAL behavior that could result in a tragedy for other blameless people...there's a substantial difference. Life would be Hell for ALL of us if concerned relatives/friends continually "intervened" every time they thought we were making bad choices for ourselves.

Meaning - we ALL make bad choices for ourselves that often wind up effecting the quality of our lives and we may not appreciate other people rubbing our faces in our own bad choices.

[Anonymous]

Your brother knows he is fat. He knows that's not healthy. However, his being fat isn't illegal and it doesn't put anyone else at risk of harm (unlike drunk driving or illegal drug use, for example). If you can do something concrete to help your brother--ask him to be your gym buddy or something--do that. But just telling him that he's really fat and it scares you isn't going to do anything except make him feel worse.

I have a morbidly obese brother who doesn't exercise and eats out all the time. Since I live on the other side of the country, I can't exercise with him. He knows he's overweight, but he doesn't want to talk about it in any kind of constructive way, so there's nothing I can do. He's an adult, and he has the right to make his own bad choices. If he was trying to get healthy, I would totally support him, but I can't motivate him to try (my mom and I have tried).