have a very obese sibling

[Anonymous]

A person needs to actually UNDER eat to lose weight. So, a person might be eating a "normal" amount of food and they could still be overweight. They may have stopped overeating but they are still FAT because it takes more than just stopping the overeating behavior to lose weight.

An alcoholic who stops drinking alcohol is doing good. But it is not enough for a fat person to simply stop the destructive behavior of over eating - they actually have to restrict their calories, eat less than "normal", long term (sometimes for months , even years) in order to lose weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:does anyone else think that the posters jumping down OP's throat are perhaps morbidly obese themselves?

yes, we know you know that you are overweight and unhealthy. What SHOULD we do? Sit back while you slowly kill yourself?

Wait???? How are you interpreting the pps giving OP solid advice on how her brother will likely react to her having "the talk" with him - basically telling her how negatively he'll likely react and how it won't do any good, but will probably alienate her and make him feel worse (and not "get better) - how can you interpret that as jumping down OP's throat and likely being "in denial"?

We're just telling her how he'll probably feel and react - and how it'll probably not work. No denial there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP again. I think this has been an interesting back and forth, and I am thankful for the responses. I do wish, though, that people would carefully read my post, specifically, "If I bring it up, I'm telling him something he already knows," and in my return post, that I've never said anything in 25 years, and that I'm not going to now. I'm aware that my saying something to him would be embarrassing, hurtful, depressing, pointless... That's why I never have, and am not going to. Very scary and hard to watch, though--- that's the dilemma. Thank you.

His health and choices are not about you. ALL you would be accomplishing by talking to him about his weight is dumping your anxiety and fear on him. That is selfish.

Spend time with him and don't bring it up if he doesn't. If he does say something (complains about not feeling well, etc.) take the opportunity to express your concern in a non-nagging way and offer any suggestions that you may have..... or better, yet, just LISTEN to him and let him sort this all out for himself.

OP again, for the 4th and final time-- I agree that it would be selfish. That's why I am not going to bring it up, as I have said in my three prior posts. Also, I returned to say that while I've decided against saying something to him about his weight, I am going to write in his birthday card that I think he is awesome, because he is, and tell him that I've learned so much from him, because I have. We live too far apart to hang out that often, but we do stay in contact. Thanks again.

This is really wonderful, OP. I'm one of the first PP's who told you about my brother commenting on my weight when I shared a photo of me all dressed up, and how that comment really hurt me for years. What I meant to write at the end (and honestly fell asleep because I have a new baby and often fall asleep holding my phone now!) is that the best thing you can do for your brother is love him with actions. If you think he might not value himself enough, show him how much you value him, not just with words, but with what you do - try to call him, spend time with him, send things to him, show him you are thinking of him. Demonstrate his value to you in actions.

You sound like a great and loving sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

I would like to hear more comments about this position, because I agree with it completely. Virtually any other self-destructive behavior that loved ones engage in will bring about conversations, interventions, family meetings, you name it. Weight is the one taboo. Guess what, though... it DOES affect other people. It's not just about the brother who is obese. So why can't we talk about it?

Haven't read all the comments yet, but thought I'd reply to this (sorry if it's already been said).

It's not that you're expected to stay quiet or weight is taboo while drug abuse is all open for discussion. it's that almost ALL the questions about weight revolve around "should I say something about their weight?" with drug abuse (just using that as an example instead of listing all the others) families bring in counselors, have guided interventions or family meetings LED BY PROFESSIONALS, or bring them to rehab to talk about it. It is a calculated and thoughtful move that requires guidance from professional rehab counselors, and the input of the entire family and friends.

I never hear someone ask if it's okay to do that with an overweight person. It is completely different for one person (a sibling, for example) to just say to the alcoholic..."Listen Jim, I'm worried that you drink to much. you need help." As yourself honestly. Do you think that EVER works? if you don't know than I'll tell you - NO. the alcoholic will probably alienate himself from that sibling that keeps "nagging" him (his view) about his drinking. That is exactly what everyone is saying about the overweight person.

So, to answer the question - If the OP wanted to get an eating disorders specialist, ask their opinion on how to approach her brother, get the whole family together to show their love and support, and asked if that was okay...my guess if most everyone on here would think that was thoughtful and loving.


Just do a real apples to apples comparison with what this sister is asking - and what some of the others suggest:

ask him to go out to eat to "model" good eating habits.
ask him to go to the bars with you to "model" drinking soda or water. see why it sounds ridiculous?

have a buddy system to work out.
Hmm, can't even think of a good comparison to that - maybe take him to a cleansing/health spa? Be buddies with him on that?

It's ludicrous when you actually compare HOW to intervene with one self destructive behavior vs. the other - they are treated completely different by society. I think THAT's why its different

Not the OP, but someone who has actually considered an intervention for my brother who, if I had to guess, is at least 600 lbs. now. He can barely stand (and sounds winded even when he's sitting), sweats constantly, can't sleep without a CPAP, misses a ton of work, and can't sit in a regular chair, but his bloodwork, MRIs, etc. always come back fine. We've gone round and round with many of these same points with each other (the rest of us except Dad who is heavy but not exceptionally so are all in good shape). My brother was always a bit big, but the massive weight gain has been in the last 5 years or so when he's been dealing with a lot of stuff that frankly my parents have not been very supportive about when they had their chance and he has been through several therapists and assorted diet plans that seem to help for a little while but then he ends up bigger than ever. So obviously eating is not illegal or directly damaging to others, but these other 2 thoughts keep at me too: suicide attempts are interfered with - isn't this like a form of passive suicide (but of course at this level of dysfunction I doubt if he would agree that's what it is, and who knows, maybe it's not). The other thought is that our family history for coping with things isn't great. Two of us siblings have dealt with our stuff enough to be able to manage things in healthier ways, but the rest of them (except for the massively overweight brother) drink when something's bothering them. The idea of having an intervention for him doesn't sound all that crazy to me as long as we were careful to find someone competent and compassionate to guide us (and who would likely exclude our parents) but our initial search hasn't been successful.

My brother is such a wonderful and loving person, but there is just this darkness that seems to have wrapped around him a few years ago and he got so burned when he tried to talk about it with mom and got shot down that he just changes the subject anymore. Obviously he knows he's too big, and at this point feels so hopeless because it's a seemingly impossible amount to lose, but he seems like he can't really take appropriate care of himself anymore. Not to the point where it's a legal issue (as many have pointed out, using food isn't illegal), but his overall functioning and quality of life are so basic, it's like how when someone is really sick and their capacity just shrinks to the very basics and he even seems to struggle with those (sleep, motion, work). I don't see how we can't try to help him.

[Anonymous]

I never hear someone ask if it's okay to do that with an overweight person. It is completely different for one person (a sibling, for example) to just say to the alcoholic..."Listen Jim, I'm worried that you drink to much. you need help." As yourself honestly. Do you think that EVER works? if you don't know than I'll tell you - NO. the alcoholic will probably alienate himself from that sibling that keeps "nagging" him (his view) about his drinking. That is exactly what everyone is saying about the overweight person.

You took quite a leap there (and created quite a straw man) from mentioning genuine (a and well-founded) concern for the sibling's health to "nagging" such that the obese sibling feels the need to distance himself. No one has suggested that the OP nag her sibling (and I'm using her only as an easy example, as she's already said she isn't going to say anything). But numerous people have said that OP must not even MENTION - once - to her sibling that she is greatly concerned for his health (once again, with good cause). Is that what you are suggesting?

Look, I get that people are sensitive about this issue. But do you all really come from families and friendships where, when someone is in need, the others just passively stand by and do nothing, or (at best) make passive-aggressive comments? Are you so starved for honest communication and concern that you don't recognize it when you see it? That's just sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I never hear someone ask if it's okay to do that with an overweight person. It is completely different for one person (a sibling, for example) to just say to the alcoholic..."Listen Jim, I'm worried that you drink to much. you need help." As yourself honestly. Do you think that EVER works? if you don't know than I'll tell you - NO. the alcoholic will probably alienate himself from that sibling that keeps "nagging" him (his view) about his drinking. That is exactly what everyone is saying about the overweight person.

You took quite a leap there (and created quite a straw man) from mentioning genuine (a and well-founded) concern for the sibling's health to "nagging" such that the obese sibling feels the need to distance himself. No one has suggested that the OP nag her sibling (and I'm using her only as an easy example, as she's already said she isn't going to say anything). But numerous people have said that OP must not even MENTION - once - to her sibling that she is greatly concerned for his health (once again, with good cause). Is that what you are suggesting?

Look, I get that people are sensitive about this issue. But do you all really come from families and friendships where, when someone is in need, the others just passively stand by and do nothing, or (at best) make passive-aggressive comments? Are you so starved for honest communication and concern that you don't recognize it when you see it? That's just sad.

Please tell us what you can possibly SAY that will make another person lose weight?