Niece's eating habits - should I mind my own business?

[Anonymous]

My 13 year old niece and her parents recently stayed with us. My niece has always been heavy set. I recognize that all kids are different so it never bothered me and so long it didn't bother her I left it alone.
On her most recent visit, I noticed that her eating habits have taken a significant turn for the worse. She will eat huge portions and ask for equally sized seconds. In addition, she will eat whatever anyone else doesn't finish. She follows all meals with dessert ( a must have for her) which will also often involve seconds. She never eats fruits or vegetables and she snacks constantly in between meals.

Her parents (my brother and sister-in-law) are totally oblivious to this. They don't say a thing to her. My question is should I mind my own business and leave this alone or should I mention something to her and/or her parents?

While over my husband I spoke to her about the importance of eating healthy. We even picked "Super Size Me" for movie night. I know teenage girls are prone to eating disorders resulting from low self-esteem. I don't want to make an issue out of something that will ultimately hurt her. Still, I love my niece. My concern is about her future physical and mental well being.

[Anonymous]

MYOB.

[Anonymous]

You need to back off. You have no way of knowing your brother and SIL are oblivious to this - maybe they just don't discuss it out of the house. Maybe she's on a strict diet and this trip was a vacation and they told her before arriving that she could eat whatever she wants while at your house.

Say nothing. None of your business.

[Anonymous]

Back off

[Anonymous]

Talk to your brother! I'd tell my sister in a minute that her kid is eating junk, and she would do the same.
Believe me, the kid doesn't want to be fat,not now, not later in life.As grownups we struggle with weight, so does she.She needs help!
I'm not convinced that she won't tell you all that how did you let it get so far.Her eating habits came from her parents, they buy the food.
Easy to say MYOB, who can you talk to if not to your brother?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your brother! I'd tell my sister in a minute that her kid is eating junk, and she would do the same.
Believe me, the kid doesn't want to be fat,not now, not later in life.As grownups we struggle with weight, so does she.She needs help!
I'm not convinced that she won't tell you all that how did you let it get so far.Her eating habits came from her parents, they buy the food.
Easy to say MYOB, who can you talk to if not to your brother?!

The parents know b/c they were with her. They may not care or they may not want to address it b/c this would mean changing what they eat.

Do they eat healthy? She's partly modeling what she sees and partly being a teenager.

I wouldn't say anything b/c it will probably just blow up into a big deal (plus it isn't really any of your business.)

[Anonymous]

Wow. That was pretty harsh of you.

[Anonymous]

Myob

[Anonymous]

I'd probably mind my own business, but if you have a close relationship with your brother, why not say something to him if you feel that strongly about it. But how do you know he and his wife have said or done nothing about this themselves? And how would you take it if your brother criticized your parenting? Would you listen with an open mind or get defensive? And would saying something actually improve things or just cause tension?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your brother! I'd tell my sister in a minute that her kid is eating junk, and she would do the same.
Believe me, the kid doesn't want to be fat,not now, not later in life.As grownups we struggle with weight, so does she.She needs help!
I'm not convinced that she won't tell you all that how did you let it get so far.Her eating habits came from her parents, they buy the food.
Easy to say MYOB, who can you talk to if not to your brother?!

I want to fully agree with PP, as the advice is great, but I think the answer is: It depends. Do you and your brother have a good, non-tense, unstrained relationship? If so, I'd say:

Talk to your brother. The key is going to be not just what you say, but HOW you say it.

You: Bro, I want to talk to you about something, and please know that you have every right to tell to mind my own business if you want, and I will not be offended.
Bro: Ok, what is it.
You: Well, I'm concerned about niece "Susie." I love her so much and I want her to be not just happy, but healthy too. When you all visited last week, I noticed she has some pretty bad eating habits.

At this point, Bro will either tell you to MYOB, or he'll be open to listening. If he tells you to MYOB, tell him you'll never bring it up again and you're sorry for overstepping your bounds. If he's open, make sure the entire focus stays on her health and well being. Tell him what you noticed and explain that the only reason you noticed it was not because you were keeping tabs, but because what you saw was so excessive.

Then offer to do anything you can to help. Maybe the next time she visits or when you visit him, maybe offer to make a healthy meal with your niece, and even go to the grocery store to buy the ingredients together. And hell, even make a healthy dessert together since she's into that.

I'd tell my sister in a heartbeat if her kids were eating crap. She'd tell me too. And I'd want her to. But I'd also appreciate it if she delivered the news with kindness, love and respect.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

What's to tell? They know. It's none of your business. Your niece's body is hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's to tell? They know. It's none of your business. Your niece's body is hers.

This. You havent discovered something new.

[Anonymous]

tough one but in general its their battle not yours.
you could maintain a healthy meal plan when they come stay with you and try to make just enough portions for the group and not extra. lead by example and plan activities that everyone can do to get out and get moving. but really is that going to change anything? just a couple days of portion control and eating healthy at the aunts house? she will probably be miserable and her parents will take her out to get more food outside of the house. and she will just go back to eating the same way at home.
if you are really close with your brother and you think you can have a caring conversation with him without offending him, i might consider it. but i wouldn't push the issue. and i wouldn't show her super size me again, i think that was a little much.

[Anonymous]

OP you talked to her about the importance of eating healthy and made her watch Super Size Me? You have already inserted yourself WAY into her business. Back off! Can't imagine what more you are thinking of doing!

[Anonymous]

I recently suspected my niece had/has an eating disorder. She is showing all the signs: going to the bathroom right after eating, binge eating, calorie checking, recent weight loss, lots and lots of looking in the mirror, and the main sign was her in the bathroom, with the shower on, not in the shower, and a towel folded up on the floor in front of the toilet (as if to cushion her knees), then she walked out of the bathroom wiping her mouth.

I'm the SIL, and you better believe I told her mother. I talked to my husband about it first (SIL's brother), and he gave me the green light. I told her in a way that was very caring and respectful, did not try to diagnose my niece, and told her I would support them both in whatever way she wanted me to. I simply told her what I had observed. She took the info and we have not talked about it since. We didn't have the best relationship to begin with, but I felt, for health reasons, that she should know.

Is there really a difference when it comes to someone being too skinny or too fat? To me, they're both hazardous. I'd tell your brother.