MILs with mental illness
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Anonymous
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MIL is in many ways a lovely woman, but has untreated mental illness - probably depression, but from DH's description of her behavior during his childhood, I suspect bipolar disorder is a possibility; I've just never seen her manic. She was abused as a child herself. She apparently "tried" treatment once, sometime during the 70s, didn't like it, and never tried again. DH has talked to his parents about how he resents much of his childhood as a result. They were very loving in most ways but when the primary caregiver is prone to tears/hysteria over the most minor of difficulties and occasionally disappears into her room for weeks at a time . . . DH was not receiving the best parenting. Anyway, she's nearly 70 now and still untreated and still prone to depression. She rarely leaves the house. FIL seems stable and kind and loving but oddly submissive in the face of her tantrums and depression. He kinda lets her take charge, which seems strange.
Anyway, the question is that I'm not sure how much responsibility I want them to have for my infant daughter. They don't live nearby but they increasingly want to spend more time with us and have talked about coming out to replace daycare for extended periods of time, babysitting while we go on vacation, or even having baby girl stay with them for part of a summer when she is school-aged. As grateful as I am at the idea of help - my folks are great but don't have a lot of time - I was nervous about leaving her with them for 2 hours so we could go to dinner last time they were here. They weren't physically abusive or neglectful; they just weren't great parents. I guess I should broach the issue directly and honestly with them or make my partner do it. But I don't know how. I don't want to cut them off from their grandchild and it's not my job to tell them they were shitty parents. Just "Until you seek treatment for your depression, I don't really want you to spend time alone with baby girl" or perhaps not an ultimatum: "I know you love baby girl and we want her to spend more time with you. I wish you would seek treatment for your depression. It would be the best gift you could give to baby girl." Thoughts??? |
Anonymous
| I think your DH needs to ask his mom, especially if she is still exhibiting signs of mental illness, if she'd be open to trying therapy, or at the very least medication, before she hosts your child. Some people from that generation, and their parents, were/are not open to going for counseling. I'd hear stories in my family about so and so seeing a therapist and quitting after a few sessions. They couldn't stomach it for some reason (one relative even declared that "no one in our family needs to see a shrink!" or something along those lines; I guess there was too much of a stigma attached to it). I think in the end they prefer taking a pill as a quick fix. Find out if MIL is the same. One of my relatives had a similar issue. Needed REAL TREATMENT for decades but never sought it-- only took pills for a "hormonal" issue-- and got really angry when anyone suggested real therapy. |
Anonymous
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OP, if DH won't step up, you might mention getting help to MIL yourself? I know that in my DHs family, there is *definitely* either or both BP and depression. It is *not* addressed. At all. Ever. Nor will it ever be. There are severely (mentally) abusive family members and it is heartbreaking (truly) to see them in action. I suspect it has become worse as they have become older/adults. My MIL is not involved with our DC and looks for fault anywhere she can try to dig it up. Usually she has completely wrong information and it is evident to everyone but herself. In other words, she makes herself look bad. It really does take less effort to find the good in people, but she refuses. It reflects poorly on her, and she doesn't even know it. It is sad to watch. But how do you tell someone that is 85 that she needs to change her outlook on life? I can only hope that I maintain my (mostly) sunny disposition and don't somehow turn bitter like her. You are not alone. |
Anonymous
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I would not make any promises that you will leave the baby with them if she gets treatment. She may never be stable enough. Lots of times when grandparents make grand requests about babysitting, they are just all talk. So don't feel like you have to commit - just vaguely brush it off with "we'll see" or "that's such a nice offer but we will need to arrange for permanent daycare." My MIL said she wanted to be daycare before our baby was born, but when I pointed out we would need firm childcare from 8-6 every day year round, she reconsidered quickly!
What they really want is plenty of time with he grandbaby, which you can provide - supervised, of course! |
Anonymous
| I have depression. I am a grandma. Spending time with my grandchild is MUCH less intense or stressful than raising my own children. With grandchildren, you can give them back. Somebody else has ultimate responsibility. Spending time with my grandchildren makes me happy. It lessens my depression. |
Anonymous
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I am sorry for your situation but I don't think you should say anything. People either want to help themselves, or they don't. She has had many years to avail herself of professional treatment and has not. I would bet that she probably knows why she isn't left alone with your child. If that isn't motivation for her then you saying something surely won't accomplish much but making an awkward memory. It is also far too easy to turn down offers of extended childcare by saying something like "Oh, thank you so much but we would miss her!"
My MIL is functional but struggles with depression. She is a sweet person. She also lives far away. I would probably trust her with my children but the need has never arisen. She has many annoying qualities that are borne of her depression that would make me crazy if she were watching my children. She knows what they are; I don't need to tell her and neither does my husband. We make the best of it when we are together for family visits and try to be supportive and kind. I think that is the nicest thing you can do in a situation like this; it isn't as though she lives in the same town and is a danger to your child. I know it is sad to watch because she could probably be so much more than she is but, respectfully, you cannot fix her and neither can your daughter. |
Anonymous
| My MIL has bipolar and refuses to take meds. She sees the kids, but she doesn't watch them alone. It was DH's decision. |
Anonymous
That's nice, but it's not about the grandma's needs. It's about the children's needs. Kids are not therapy dogs. |
Anonymous
Woah...this is a little strong. Many, many, many people have depression, manage it well, and live normal, functional, wonderful lives and are good influences in their children and grandchildren's lives. A person who has depression and manages it responsibly is someone to be admired. Your child is no more a "therapy dog" than anyone else who grandma finds joy in! |
Anonymous
Pretty harsh. What are us mothers with depression supposed to do? Hand over kids to the State? And by the way, How's your mental health? |
Anonymous
| Just saw stats this week that said 1 in 4 Americans suffer from depression. |
Anonymous
I don't think it's too harsh. Very few kids are better off in foster care. Many kids are better off if they are not living in a home with a depressed parent, however. If a mom can't function because of severe depression, dad should take the kids and leave, even if it worsens her condition. The point is protecting the kids, not placing the mom's needs over the kids' needs. I spent entirely too much time caring for a depressed, alcoholic mother. The entire family revolved around her needs and no one else's. |
Anonymous
| I think it depends if you trust MIL to use common sense and be physically able to babysit. I don't trust my mom on either count, but am ok with with her and another relative at the same time babysitting our baby. If your FIL is a responsible person, there's nothing wrong with them both babysitting while you and DH go out to dinner. It's a lot easier to babysit for a couple hours than to be a parent. I wouldn't want them being responsible for DD for an extended period of time, though. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry about your childhood. I know depression and alcoholism in one's mother can wreak havoc on a child. However, I would bet this grandmother functions just fine and didn't deserve the PP's harsh comments about therapy dogs. I wish people would give others the benefit of the doubt more when responding to posts...especially when we're talking about mental illness and depression. Do you really think this grandmother, or any grandparent, does not benefit in some way from an interaction with a grandchild and that that benefit is somehow detrimental to the child? No one's saying anyone should leave children with inappropriate caregivers or someone in the throes of a manic state. We're talking about sone depression - something a ton of people have, will have, or have had. |
Anonymous
| "Thank you for your offer of child are, but we have actually made other arrangements that work for our lifestyle/schedules. How about we arrange for some time on an evening or weekend for a couple of hours and you can watch her while DH and I clean the closet/paint the bathroom/grill some steaks?" |