MILs with mental illness

[Anonymous]

My MIL is just like this. She also immigrated here under difficult circumstances, had a bout of early breast cancer, and basically gave up on life 25 years ago. My husband and her daughter have tried to get her therapy repeatedly but it hasn't improved much. She is now so heavily medicated (probably inappropriately so; she is a massive hypochondriac and browbeats doctors so she has prescriptions to last into the next century) that I couldn't let her care for my kids even if she or I wanted that to happen. Luckily she lives across the country so the only real impact for us is the fact that she calls all day long - literally from the time she gets up in CA until she reaches her son (who is so fed up by now that he usually ducks her calls.)

It's an absolutely terrible way to live your life, and when we first met I had lots of "helpful" ideas, but I accept now that you can't alter patterns that are this deeply engrained, especially if there are medical conditions (bipolar) associated with them.

OP accept her as she is, but never let her care for your child solo. (I wouldn't trust her with her husband as primary caretaker either, if he's anything like my FIL, who is lovely but a massive enabler.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have depression. I am a grandma. Spending time with my grandchild is MUCH less intense or stressful than raising my own children. With grandchildren, you can give them back. Somebody else has ultimate responsibility. Spending time with my grandchildren makes me happy. It lessens my depression.

That's nice, but it's not about the grandma's needs. It's about the children's needs. Kids are not therapy dogs.

Pretty harsh. What are us mothers with depression supposed to do? Hand over kids to the State?

And by the way, How's your mental health?

I don't think it's too harsh.

Very few kids are better off in foster care. Many kids are better off if they are not living in a home with a depressed parent, however. If a mom can't function because of severe depression, dad should take the kids and leave, even if it worsens her condition. The point is protecting the kids, not placing the mom's needs over the kids' needs.

I spent entirely too much time caring for a depressed, alcoholic mother. The entire family revolved around her needs and no one else's.

I'm sorry about your childhood. I know depression and alcoholism in one's mother can wreak havoc on a child. However, I would bet this grandmother functions just fine and didn't deserve the PP's harsh comments about therapy dogs. I wish people would give others the benefit of the doubt more when responding to posts...especially when we're talking about mental illness and depression. Do you really think this grandmother, or any grandparent, does not benefit in some way from an interaction with a grandchild and that that benefit is somehow detrimental to the child? No one's saying anyone should leave children with inappropriate caregivers or someone in the throes of a manic state. We're talking about sone depression - something a ton of people have, will have, or have had.

Yes, I do. PPs first response was "It's good for me." Her first thought was about herself.

"Some depression" in a caregiver is harmful to children. Kids of depressed moms have lots of problems caused by the depression. I appreciate that it's common. People who have depression owe it to their kids to get treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have depression. I am a grandma. Spending time with my grandchild is MUCH less intense or stressful than raising my own children. With grandchildren, you can give them back. Somebody else has ultimate responsibility. Spending time with my grandchildren makes me happy. It lessens my depression.

That's nice, but it's not about the grandma's needs. It's about the children's needs. Kids are not therapy dogs.

Pretty harsh. What are us mothers with depression supposed to do? Hand over kids to the State?

And by the way, How's your mental health?

I don't think it's too harsh.

Very few kids are better off in foster care. Many kids are better off if they are not living in a home with a depressed parent, however. If a mom can't function because of severe depression, dad should take the kids and leave, even if it worsens her condition. The point is protecting the kids, not placing the mom's needs over the kids' needs.

I spent entirely too much time caring for a depressed, alcoholic mother. The entire family revolved around her needs and no one else's.

I'm sorry about your childhood. I know depression and alcoholism in one's mother can wreak havoc on a child. However, I would bet this grandmother functions just fine and didn't deserve the PP's harsh comments about therapy dogs. I wish people would give others the benefit of the doubt more when responding to posts...especially when we're talking about mental illness and depression. Do you really think this grandmother, or any grandparent, does not benefit in some way from an interaction with a grandchild and that that benefit is somehow detrimental to the child? No one's saying anyone should leave children with inappropriate caregivers or someone in the throes of a manic state. We're talking about sone depression - something a ton of people have, will have, or have had.

Yes, I do. PPs first response was "It's good for me." Her first thought was about herself.

"Some depression" in a caregiver is harmful to children. Kids of depressed moms have lots of problems caused by the depression. I appreciate that it's common. People who have depression owe it to their kids to get treated.

And how do you know PP's depression wasn't being treated?

What about parents (or grandparents) with anxiety? Attachment issues? Narcissistic traits? Obsessive and compulsive problems? Phobias? Control freaks? Alcohol/drug issues? ADD? Asperger's traits? Have I covered everyone yet?

I'm so glad you have achieved perfection. But I still think a little compassion might be in order, not to mention some realism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends if you trust MIL to use common sense and be physically able to babysit. I don't trust my mom on either count, but am ok with with her and another relative at the same time babysitting our baby. If your FIL is a responsible person, there's nothing wrong with them both babysitting while you and DH go out to dinner. It's a lot easier to babysit for a couple hours than to be a parent. I wouldn't want them being responsible for DD for an extended period of time, though.

This.
I say this as a daughter whose mom has some mental issue such as hoarding and not the best hygiene; I will never have my child live with her or stay overnight - but a couple hours is totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have depression. I am a grandma. Spending time with my grandchild is MUCH less intense or stressful than raising my own children. With grandchildren, you can give them back. Somebody else has ultimate responsibility. Spending time with my grandchildren makes me happy. It lessens my depression.

That's nice, but it's not about the grandma's needs. It's about the children's needs. Kids are not therapy dogs.

Wow! Haven't you heard? Children DO need their grandparents. If yours don't have any, get out and adopt some. Then get yourself some help for your own anger issues, otherwise you'll be passing them onto your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just saw stats this week that said 1 in 4 Americans suffer from depression.

It's not whether you have depression, it's how much it affects you. My mother suffered from severe depression and still does but I trust her with my children totally because she is managing her symptoms and very in tune with how she's doing. If she was having a bad day, I do not doubt that she would tell me outright what she could or could not handle with the kids. It doesn't sound like OP's MIL will even admit to there being a problem, which could put everybody in a situation over their heads.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the helpful thoughts; it helped me crystallize the issue a bit. I think I agree that MIL and FIL could watch baby girl together for short periods of time and not longer times. Still struggling with whether or how to talk to her about it. Perhaps that is just my partner's job and I should make him worry about it. Anyway, thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Depression needs to be addressed. Both depression and BPD can be managed fine if they have the proper meds and doctor.

In fact, more people in this area should be taking meds, I am convinced. Have you seen the flat affect faces and lack of expression or emotion? Wow. No one here seems happy. Its a shame. Life is indeed short.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I wouldn't say anything about getting help, just agree with DH that she won't watch DC alone and make it happen.

My parents have mental illnesses and were abusive and MIL is also mentally ill and unreliable. DH and I agree they're not watching DC and that's the end of it. We just say "no thank you" and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about parents (or grandparents) with anxiety? Attachment issues? Narcissistic traits? Obsessive and compulsive problems? Phobias? Control freaks? Alcohol/drug issues? ADD? Asperger's traits? Have I covered everyone yet?

I'm so glad you have achieved perfection. But I still think a little compassion might be in order, not to mention some realism.

People with Apsperger's typically do not abuse their children, it's pretty unfair to lump them in with all of these.

As a person raised by abusive parents married to a partner whose mother is also mentally ill, we deal with bad behavior coming and going. Between the three of them, excuses offered are: Anxiety, NPD, alcohol issues, ADHD, clinical depression, and BPD. I'm not really sure where you were going with your list, but yeah: all of those things are problems in parents that should be addressed.

I have plenty of compassion for them but I'm done with having dump their crazy in my life. They are certainly not going to watch my children and they know that if they want grandparents time at all they can leave both the nonsense and the excuses at the door.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do not see how you can change your MIL. She probably will not take well to your diagnosis! After all, she is 70 and still going strong (at least in her own mind). People who are depressed often lack the energy to care for young kids. She may just be offering to take care of the baby for a hour or so. Full time care giving -- many grandparents really do not want to do that. So just play it by ear. You do not need to leave your child with someone you have doubts about. Just keep it vague and see how it works. My MIL had all theses plans for being a grandmother, but it turned out kids got on her nerves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about parents (or grandparents) with anxiety? Attachment issues? Narcissistic traits? Obsessive and compulsive problems? Phobias? Control freaks? Alcohol/drug issues? ADD? Asperger's traits? Have I covered everyone yet?

I'm so glad you have achieved perfection. But I still think a little compassion might be in order, not to mention some realism.

People with Apsperger's typically do not abuse their children, it's pretty unfair to lump them in with all of these.

As a person raised by abusive parents married to a partner whose mother is also mentally ill, we deal with bad behavior coming and going. Between the three of them, excuses offered are: Anxiety, NPD, alcohol issues, ADHD, clinical depression, and BPD. I'm not really sure where you were going with your list, but yeah: all of those things are problems in parents that should be addressed.

I have plenty of compassion for them but I'm done with having dump their crazy in my life. They are certainly not going to watch my children and they know that if they want grandparents time at all they can leave both the nonsense and the excuses at the door.

NP here - I 100% agree with you. We've reached a sad day where basically the Depressed, not the child, is the focus of all the attention. Also, I have no idea why the pp is so flippant about alcohol and drug issues. I have cousins and friends who have been absolutely DESTROYED by alcoholic/drug addicted parents. Their lives are harrowing. And if anyone really believes that it's ok to leave a child with an alcoholic or using caregiver, their child is better off without them!