Am I being too sensative? Opinions needed.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have a continuing battle about his family, I have repeatedly asked him to check with me about scheduling their stays at our house. I have no problem with them staying but feel that I should at least be consulted with the scheduling. It never happens. We end up getting into a huge fight and all he ever says is, " why do you hate me family.". To me, it's not about the family it's about respect, if he is going to sign me up for the responsibilities of hosting shouldn't I be consulted first?

My sister asked us to vacation with her and offered up several dates that worked for her family. I told her the dates that also worked for ours. We agreed on a week. We take an annua, trip every summer to visit DH's family but because my sister asked us to vacation with her we did not schedule this summer trip. Two weeks ago she sent wn email with new dates to which I immediately responded that I previously told her those dates would not work for us. Never heard back. Called her to followup and she said they were going the week we cannot go. I am beyond pissed. Thankfully we can still manage to take our regular trip but I still can't get beyond being extremely angry with her. This is her mo and DH even said this would happen. Now knave to listen to his sniide comments about what a flake she is.

Am I just being ov sensitive to all this? I just feel like I've had enough of people thinking I don't matter. These are just two examples of repeated behavior by these two people and I honestly feel like crying. Whenever I say anything they both always respond with "get over yourself" attitudes. How do I deal...

[Anonymous]

Hmm.. tough. I'm wondering, since they both say "get over yourself" if we are dealing with 2 assholes..or if perhaps you are painting them in a more negative light and you do get a little overworked about this stuff?

Also, why can't you just take your vacation like planned. Just your sister won't be there.

[Anonymous]

Your husband and sister both sound like jerks. And you sound like a bit of a doormat.

Tell your husband: "Your family is always welcome. But it's important to me to be a good hostess and I need advance notice to be able to do that. Scheduling your family without letting me know is disrespectful."

Tell your sister: "I'm disappointed that we won't be vacationing together because I was really looking forward to spending time with you/your family. The way you went about rescheduling the vacation made me feel like you don't value our relationship."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and sister both sound like jerks. And you sound like a bit of a doormat.

Tell your husband: "Your family is always welcome. But it's important to me to be a good hostess and I need advance notice to be able to do that. Scheduling your family without letting me know is disrespectful."

Tell your sister: "I'm disappointed that we won't be vacationing together because I was really looking forward to spending time with you/your family. The way you went about rescheduling the vacation made me feel like you don't value our relationship."

Ive done this. And i'm no doormat that's the point. How do I deal with this.despite making it perfectly.clear to them that what they are doing I'd both disrespectful and hurtful. I've said these exact things but it doesn't change.

[Anonymous]

Go on your own vacation by yourself while your husband deals with his family and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and sister both sound like jerks. And you sound like a bit of a doormat.

Tell your husband: "Your family is always welcome. But it's important to me to be a good hostess and I need advance notice to be able to do that. Scheduling your family without letting me know is disrespectful."

Tell your sister: "I'm disappointed that we won't be vacationing together because I was really looking forward to spending time with you/your family. The way you went about rescheduling the vacation made me feel like you don't value our relationship."

Ive done this. And i'm no doormat that's the point. How do I deal with this.despite making it perfectly.clear to them that what they are doing I'd both disrespectful and hurtful. I've said these exact things but it doesn't change.

OP, you've told them what you think. Sounds like they are not going to change. So you need to figure out how to set limits that work for you. If your sister wants to vacation with you again, only agree to a time and a place that you would go to anyway, with or without her family. That way, if they don't show up, you will have a good time. With regard to your husband, that's harder. Do you feel like you can tell your husband that his family may not visit unless he checks with you on the date first? I know - you've already told him that but if he goes ahead and schedules something, are you able to say - "No! They may not come!"? Not sure I could do that but if I were a stronger person that's what I would try to do.

But the reality is that these people are not going to change so you're going to have to figure out how you can structure things so they work for you. Give up on getting them to acknowledge their wrongs. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and sister both sound like jerks. And you sound like a bit of a doormat.

Tell your husband: "Your family is always welcome. But it's important to me to be a good hostess and I need advance notice to be able to do that. Scheduling your family without letting me know is disrespectful."

Tell your sister: "I'm disappointed that we won't be vacationing together because I was really looking forward to spending time with you/your family. The way you went about rescheduling the vacation made me feel like you don't value our relationship."

Ive done this. And i'm no doormat that's the point. How do I deal with this.despite making it perfectly.clear to them that what they are doing I'd both disrespectful and hurtful. I've said these exact things but it doesn't change.

Don't clean the house, don't buy groceries, don't prep in any way for DH's family to visit. When they arrive and DH freaks about the state of the house or lack of food, say "Oh, well I figured you were handling it since you scheduled it." Then let him deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and sister both sound like jerks. And you sound like a bit of a doormat.

Tell your husband: "Your family is always welcome. But it's important to me to be a good hostess and I need advance notice to be able to do that. Scheduling your family without letting me know is disrespectful."

Tell your sister: "I'm disappointed that we won't be vacationing together because I was really looking forward to spending time with you/your family. The way you went about rescheduling the vacation made me feel like you don't value our relationship."

Ive done this. And i'm no doormat that's the point. How do I deal with this.despite making it perfectly.clear to them that what they are doing I'd both disrespectful and hurtful. I've said these exact things but it doesn't change.

Don't clean the house, don't buy groceries, don't prep in any way for DH's family to visit. When they arrive and DH freaks about the state of the house or lack of food, say "Oh, well I figured you were handling it since you scheduled it." Then let him deal.

This. Make it clear in advance that if you are not consulted about scheduling his family's visits, you will take no responsibility for those visits. And then don't. Don't clean, don't shop, don't prepare, schedule things however you would schedule them if the family was not coming.

You cannot change other people, you can only change your reaction to them.

[Anonymous]

I want advance notice. It doesn't mean I hate the person. It means I love and respect them more -- I want them to be comfortable in my home.

[Anonymous]

No, you are not being too sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Nope, you have every right to be pissed. But don't get mad, just start taking care of yourself. PPs are right - if he doesn't schedule his family's trip, just take that weekend to take yourself on a nice little trip somewhere, or just don't prep. It's not your business.

And next time your sis wants to schedule something, say "this is the week WE will be going, feel free to join us!" and stick to it.

You teach people how to treat you. Don't put up with this shit.

[Anonymous]

Too many mistakes. I can't read this.

[Anonymous]

Curious--are you dining out inlaws coming day of or week before? If it's a week before ou need to relax..to many women are controlling about when their inlaws visit..seems to be a different standard than I see when the wife has her mom stay. I hate the double standard. I think it's great you have family. My husband and I sadly have almost no family..you have a high grade problem. Your sister sounds annoying but just continue with your trip

[Anonymous]

OP here. My family lives near us so they do not stay overnight or for extended periods and both of DH's siblings either live near by or have inlaws of their own with whom they can stay in addition to staying with us. My issue is not with the in-laws do much as it is with my husband. I don't mind hosting but I can't help feeling that as a SAHM my husband does not value my time. We have two children and no outside help, I do everything (clean, cook, yard work etc...) all I want is to be asked, "would it be alright with you if so-and-so stayed with us on X date." BEFORE he goes ahead and invites them. Whenever I try to make this point he turns it into "why do you hate my family" and "my family will always be welcome in my home" rather than saying, you know what you are right, I should have checked with you first.. Why is this so hard for him to understand.

[Anonymous]

OP again, perhaps the "you are right" should be replaced with, " I'm sorry"