What would you do if you were the DIL?

[Anonymous]

My husband has always been distant from his parents. When he was growing up, his mom had bipolar and was mean to him especially when his friends were hanging out in his house. DH said he didn't have too many friends due to this reason. His mother scared them away. She was put under medication and then became more under control and according to DH, his brother turned out much better than him ( his brother has lots of friends/sunny personality/very successful in his field). DH also resents his dad for not doing enough to get his mother under control. DH also witnessed his mother suicide when he was younger.

Now, our DC just turned one year old and MIL tried desperately tried to connect with DH, me and, of course her grandson. She would try to call DH many times and he wouldn't call back. She got heartbroken and called me to ask me why. I used to come up with excuses like " he is busy" " he forgot"...etc. But now I stopped taking her calls as well because I just don't know what to say. I used to have great relationship with her but after the baby, I felt like spending more time with my CORE family (DH, son and myself). However, MIL expected us to go visit them weekly and every holiday because they live about one hour away each way. ( but that's still so far in my opinion) She would start calling us on Thursday to ask what we are doing on the weekend. If we don't answer within 24 hours, she would call us again and left messages like " why are you mad at us" " what did I do wrong" . And if we don't call her back for 3 days, she would be like " did you have any accident?". I asked DH why he doesn't want to talk to his family. He said he never felt like a part of family and kind of want to just spend time with his core family. He said he is tired of her embarrassing him in public whenever she has a chance. Well, I concurred with him regarding MIL having a tendency of saying things to embarrass people in public. For example, last thanksgiving she said to me " Shame on you" in front of dinner quests after knowing that I left her gift to DS in the toy truck from few weeks ago. I totally forgot about the toy.

Honestly, I am kind of annoyed by her being so neurotic. I stopped calling her back because I felt I am kind of in an awkward situation. But I know she is, after all, my husband's mother and my DC's grandma. Now, I just don't know what to do. PLEASE help!

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. Did your MIL commit suicide?

"DH also witnessed his mother suicide when he was younger."

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, too. You wrote that DH witnessed his mother's suicide and then talk about her as if she's still alive.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to learn how to set boundaries, clearly state them, and then stand by them. Avoiding his mother without telling her why is also dysfunctional behavior. He has a right to his feelings, but he needs to handle them in a healthier way.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She tried to kill herself. But DH discovered her and called the ambulance. This happened when he was around 10. She was then put on medication many years later.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, this has to be a joint decision between you and your husband and you have to put on a consistent front. It's all about setting boundaries. Your MIL may not like it, and may ignore your attempts to set boundaries, but if the two of you set the boundaries/parameters, then at least you'll have a plan, and I find things are always better with a plan. I personally think it is important for children to have grandparents, as long as those grandparents are destriuctive or if the relationship is so toxic so as to be counterproductive. If you see any good in the MIL/FIL, then perhaps you could agree that every other fourth Sunday, you'll visit her for an afternoon of SUPERVISED play time, and on the other fourth Sunday, she'll come to you at a mutually agreeable time. I also would tell her that you turn off your phone so that the baby can sleep (you still have the nap excuse/going to bed early excuse at 1 yrs old), and that you are certainly thinking about them. and then, your husband needs to be the communicator. If he isn't going to do it, then either make a piont of accepting that you'll be the communicator and set the limits or be done with it and don't let it bother you.

What about your own parents? If your parents are around, then it might be worth a few supervised visits with the MIL.

I feel for you, I really do. I have a very strained relationship with my father, and I don't pick up the phone when he calls. He lives in a different time zone, and always manages to call me either when I'm putting the kids to bed (drives me crazy when the phone rings between 7:30-8:00 pm) or when I'm getting ready to go to bed. He knows that I work late, but if I'm up working then I don't have time to talk to him, and if I"m not working, then I want to be in bed. In my experience, he wants to be that great grandfather and makes grand promises, but the reality is that he doesn't carry through with them. It didn't matter when my kids are younger, but now it matters -- like you can't promise a kid a bike and then not buy one. My point is that if your MIL hasn't been involved much to date, you may find that after a few weeks/months of seeing her more regularly, that she isn't all that interested.

And why oh why do grandparents expect us to travel to them.

[Anonymous]

Once you get the whole MIL dead or not dead thing cleared up-

You need to support your husband on this one.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I could totally see my mother guilt tripping my spouse to get to see her grandchild more. I would be very hurt if my spouse gave in to these tactics.

I think if DH is open to it, you should see a therapist together a few times. The therapist can help your DH hash out what his expectations are for his current and future relationship with his mom, what boundaries will help him achieve that, and give you both tools to set and maintain those boundaries. Specifically, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with HIM, but rather that a therapist can help you figure out how to have realistic expectations for and tools to deal with a mentally ill woman like his MIL.

[Anonymous]

Discuss with DH how often you are willing to spend time with them. I think it's important to foster a relationship with grandparents, but it doesn't need to be constant especially if MIL disrespects you in front of the kids.

Your DH should take charge and it may help if you always schedule the next visit before you part ways so MIL knows she'll see you again and doesn't need to call all the time. That way of she calls Thursday, you can say 'Hi MIL, you know whe have plans this weekend, but we'll see you Thursday for dinner' and then end the call. Clearly ignoring her calls makes it worse. Not that you have to answer if she calls every day, but a two minute call to let her know you're all ok and looking forward to your next visit will get her off your back and stop fuelling her'everyone hates me' drama.

If she says something rude, tell her you don't appreciate being spoken to that way. If she does it again, get up and leave. She'll get the message.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for your advice. I should have called her back to have a quick conversation. Now she left messages to DH saying " she has been trying to reach us for three weeks and just wants to know how DC is doing and that we are so cold"

My husband is the master of acting passive aggressive. I have been the communicator for years but just got tired of her pulling the " everyone hates me" drama and was offended after the thanksgiving incident. Also, I feel DH is happier if he doesn't visit them. He said going to their place is depressing because of all the bad memories.

I will pick up the phone next time if she calls and request her to stop pulling the "everyone hates me" drama. DH said she can visit twice a month if she wants because after all, he can not completely avoid having a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Something here makes me sad. It sounds like your MIL is being punished for having been ill (bipolar) when your DH was a child.

If I read your post correctly, and it's a bit confusing so I'm not sure, she has been on medication for a long time and her behavior and her life is much improved. But your DH has a long time investment in not speaking to her, not acknowledging her existence, and cutting her out of his life because of "all the bad memories." Sad.

Mental illness is not wanted by the person who has it, any more than physical illness. Why not give this person a chance? This makes me want to cry.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that a few sessions with a therapist would be a worthy investment of your time. Talk to a professional who knows how to deal with people with mental illness and how to set boundaries. Have someone to help navigate the situation with you and DH together.

Don't ask DH to have more of a relationship than he wishes...chances are he knows what he can tolerate...and realize that letting DH take the lead on his relationship with his mother may mean seeing her very seldom.

It sounds like a really sad situation.

[Anonymous]

Let your husband set the rules for how much contact you guys have with his mother, and then support him. You can't imagine how hellish it is for him to deal with. He's trying to make a healthier life for you all. I had to help my husband with this exact same issue for many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let your husband set the rules for how much contact you guys have with his mother, and then support him. You can't imagine how hellish it is for him to deal with. He's trying to make a healthier life for you all. I had to help my husband with this exact same issue for many years.

OP here. How did you help your husband in navigating this tricky situation ?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I must clarify that over the years we have been married, I had had great relationship with MIL. We were in their house almost weekly at one point and also celebrated every holiday together ( Xmas, thanksgiving , Easter ...etc)
DH didn't cut her off. But he was quiet and distant around her.
After the baby, I felt like having more time with my core family and so did DH. Before we had our DC, DH was not sure if he wanted a child because he didn't want his DC to be treated like he did. I didn't put the dots together back then. But now I realized he just wanted to be happier for DC and he is happier if he has some distance from his family. I, too, admittedly tried to grow some distance from her because well, I need to stand by DH. But MIL is heartbroken because she and I used to be so close and I used to be the line of communication for her and her son. Plus, she looked forward so much to have grandchildren. Now, I'm in a very awkward situation.

I understand her behavior might be partly caused by mental illness. But her mental illness did caused DH pain. It is not up to me to ask DH to forgive her.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others that you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about the level of contact he wants with his mom. If he doesn't know/can't say/shuts down/etc. then he or both of you should do some sessions with a therapist to figure it out.

I had a similarly dramatic childhood with a mentally ill mom. I had minimal contact with my parents for several years. My mom is doing a lot better, but I have to set firm and specific boundaries with her, and I will not have contact with her if she doesn't abide by those boundaries.

I gave up most of my childhood for her mental illness, and I'm not sacrificing any more. My mom is a very sweet lady, but she will always be a taker emotionally, so while I love her I don't feel like I get a lot from our relationship. I'm a successful happy person, but I will always be dealing the fallout of growing up with my mom-and I assume that is also true of your husband.

Once you figure out your family rules, I think there are two main responses and the one you choose will be based on your personality. You can either be direct and firm. Or you can ignore, deflect, and defer. Either way, if you are comfortable in your decision, you need to let go of guilt.