What would you do if you were the DIL?

[Anonymous]

PP again.

I think it's common for people who had traumatic childhoods to re-experience emotions related to that trauma when they become parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's common for people who had traumatic childhoods to re-experience emotions related to that trauma when they become parents.

I totally agree. It wasn't until after I had my own kids that I realized how horrific my childhood was. It sentme into a tailspin and I got counseling for about a year. It used to blame myfather for it because he was the violent one but after I had kids, I realized my mother complicity in it and it was staggering for me. I understand this is not an uncommon occurance for people with childhoods like ours. It could be withdrawing is your DH's way of dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something here makes me sad. It sounds like your MIL is being punished for having been ill (bipolar) when your DH was a child.

If I read your post correctly, and it's a bit confusing so I'm not sure, she has been on medication for a long time and her behavior and her life is much improved. But your DH has a long time investment in not speaking to her, not acknowledging her existence, and cutting her out of his life because of "all the bad memories." Sad.

Mental illness is not wanted by the person who has it, any more than physical illness. Why not give this person a chance? This makes me want to cry.

You clearly have no idea how traumatic it is for a child to grow up in those circumstances - experiencing emotions for which they have no words and certainly cannot understand. It's horrific. Yes, it's sad the mother had a mental illness but you are dismissing the lifelong impact it has on her children. It's a lot more than "memories".

[Anonymous]

If your DH will see them twice a month but doesn't enjoy going to their house then you can invite them to your house and/or plan on meeting them half way at some neutral location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something here makes me sad. It sounds like your MIL is being punished for having been ill (bipolar) when your DH was a child.

If I read your post correctly, and it's a bit confusing so I'm not sure, she has been on medication for a long time and her behavior and her life is much improved. But your DH has a long time investment in not speaking to her, not acknowledging her existence, and cutting her out of his life because of "all the bad memories." Sad.

Mental illness is not wanted by the person who has it, any more than physical illness. Why not give this person a chance? This makes me want to cry.

You clearly have no idea how traumatic it is for a child to grow up in those circumstances - experiencing emotions for which they have no words and certainly cannot understand. It's horrific. Yes, it's sad the mother had a mental illness but you are dismissing the lifelong impact it has on her children. It's a lot more than "memories".

+1 Seriously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something here makes me sad. It sounds like your MIL is being punished for having been ill (bipolar) when your DH was a child.

If I read your post correctly, and it's a bit confusing so I'm not sure, she has been on medication for a long time and her behavior and her life is much improved. But your DH has a long time investment in not speaking to her, not acknowledging her existence, and cutting her out of his life because of "all the bad memories." Sad.

Mental illness is not wanted by the person who has it, any more than physical illness. Why not give this person a chance? This makes me want to cry.

WTF? By your logic victim of pedophiles, rapists and child abusers should have relationships with their assailants if they get treatment. A victim may choose to forgive his abuser but that doesn't mean he has to spend time around them - and that's what OP's DH is, a victim of his mother's abuse. As PP said, once you have kids of your own, you can become re-traumatized. If OP's DH doesn't want to be around his mother, he shouldn't have to be.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't think MIL understands why DH is so distant and why he wouldn't call back. Maybe she is in denial or maybe she think she has been so much better for many years. Is it up to me to tell her the real reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think MIL understands why DH is so distant and why he wouldn't call back. Maybe she is in denial or maybe she think she has been so much better for many years. Is it up to me to tell her the real reason?

Either way you are in an awkward (and unfair) position. Either you need to play along with your DH's passive aggressive ways-and it seems like you aren't comfortable with that approach, or you become the intermediary between the two of them-personally I think that is a really unhealthy dynamic (happens all the time in my crazy family). Personally, I think DH needs to be the one to bring up the issue of his childhood.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him that his relationship/lack of relationship with his mom is creating real problems for you-be specific about all the situations you've described above. He needs to be able to tell you: what kind of relationship does he want to have with his mom? What kind of relationship does he want your kid to have with his mom? Will he go to therapy to address issues in his childhood? And will he work with you to come up with some short term solutions, so that you don't get stuck between MIL and DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think MIL understands why DH is so distant and why he wouldn't call back. Maybe she is in denial or maybe she think she has been so much better for many years. Is it up to me to tell her the real reason?

Either way you are in an awkward (and unfair) position. Either you need to play along with your DH's passive aggressive ways-and it seems like you aren't comfortable with that approach, or you become the intermediary between the two of them-personally I think that is a really unhealthy dynamic (happens all the time in my crazy family). Personally, I think DH needs to be the one to bring up the issue of his childhood.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him that his relationship/lack of relationship with his mom is creating real problems for you-be specific about all the situations you've described above. He needs to be able to tell you: what kind of relationship does he want to have with his mom? What kind of relationship does he want your kid to have with his mom? Will he go to therapy to address issues in his childhood? And will he work with you to come up with some short term solutions, so that you don't get stuck between MIL and DH?

I agree with this. MIL may be awful, but being passive-aggressive and letting you be in intermediary is not the way to handle it. Your husband needs to tell you what he wants and deal with his mother. Yeah, he may have had a crappy childhood, but he's an adult now and needs to start acting like one. You should be in the position of supporting him in his approach, not running interference.