Out of Town In-Laws Want DS Alone for 12 Days
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Anonymous
| In laws (their son and I are separated and getting a divorce) keep nagging to get DS out there for what is 12 days to 2 weeks, generally alone. (One flies out to get him and one brings him back). With a divorce and everything going on, I think it's a terrible idea for a 2.5 year old to be alone without parents in a completely different state. Every few weeks, they pose the question again with a different set of dates. Today, it's 12 days. This time they included his dad on 5 days of the trip. I said I am OK with the trip with dad, but not alone. They and their son use it to to say I'm alienating our son from them (not accurate, I never bad mouth them and I send them daily pictures or funny things he says and set up Skype calls or phone calls). I don't know what to do, I don't have anything legal about this yet, meeting with attorney soon to discuss but I wanted to see. 1. do you send your children alone to spend time with your parents or your in-laws alone when they're that young? 2. Do any of you have any advice on how to shut this down once and for all? I'd hate to get it nasty. I don't like them but I want them to have a normal relationship with DS. For his sake. But this is driving me crazy! They're so freaking persistent. Despite me explaining to them my reservations several times. |
Anonymous
| i'm happily married and my inlaws love their grandkids to bits but they would never ask let alone demand this. |
Anonymous
| Seems like a power play. I would tell them no and ask them not to ask again until he was much older (7-8 years). |
Anonymous
| My DD is 6 and has never stayed at in-laws or my parents overnight withou us. They are all out of state. She would be scared now, let alne age 2. That us way too young. |
Anonymous
| Whew! Thanks! They keep making me feel like I'm this unreasonable crazy bitch for saying no. I just don't feel right about it. |
Anonymous
|
My recently divorced friend knows her ex brings their toddler daughter to his parents' house, and worries she is not being well cared for there. But this is during the time legally allotted to her ex, so there is nothing much she can do.
In your case, I would continue to say no politely. Do not feel you have to explain, again. You already have explained. Unfortunately the ILs will never see eye-to-eye with you on this, and will use this and anything else to consolidate their negative image of you. Who cares? Don't worry. You're protecting your child and doing the right thing. |
Anonymous
| 2.5 is very young and an age where they want mommy. 12 days? I would not do that. Even with just DH my 2.5 year old would want mommy. It is OK at that age. |
Anonymous
I wouldn't say she's "protecting" the child -- I didn't get any vibe that the inlaws wouldn't care for the child well. |
Anonymous
| ^^OK at that age to cling to mom. |
Anonymous
| Wow absolutely NOT. No way. I wouldn't even CONSIDER doing that. They're insane and WAY overstepping their bounds for even asking for it. |
Anonymous
| If you don't feel right about it, trust your gut. |
Anonymous
|
Be sure to ask your attorney very clearly if your soon-to-be-ex-husband can send your son to his parents' home this far away without your approval. It's possible that sometime when dad has your son, he could decide to send son to his parents because it's on "his time" even if dad does not accompany him. The problem is that it may be just fine for dad to do that on "his time" once the divorce is final and custody is set. If you still are in charge of your son -- if dad must have your OK right now -- I would withhold it. This trip sounds like a dreadful idea, far too long for a child this age to be in a new place without either parent.
I really would talk to the lawyer about this and express a concern about the distance, the huge amount of time, and your child's age. Also, this may be an issue for a court-appointed meditator to handle rather than attorneys, in the end. I would make the argument to a mediator (because your ex is not going to listen to you here!) that a stay like this would not be in the best interest of your son's mental and emotional health because, with the upheaval your son will already experience from a divorce, the uncertainty of a new place for so long will make your little boy very insecure; he's going to wonder if he really will get to come home, no matter how many times he's told that he will indeed get to go home. And he will believe that you are OK with his being sent away. Getting a counselor for your son, one who specializes in very young children and divorce, could help your case -- you might be able to have a counselor say on your behalf that such a trip would be a very poor idea for your son's sake. Make it about your son because the ex and the in-laws are going to try to make it about you being controlling etc. Wow, I feel terrible for you. But rest assured you are right. Even the best-adjusted, happiest kid this age, with zero difficulties at home, and no divorce going on around him, would find 12 days or more just too long to be away from home and away from both parents. When it's a child who is already probably picking up on the fact things are changing at home, such a stay is only going to mean a TON of work reassuring him when he returns. You may be unable to stop this kind of thing once you are finally divorced but if you have any control right now, I'd say no way. |
Anonymous
| Say No and do not hem and haw. Also do not suggest that maybe when your son is older it would be ok. Wait until your son is older and then make that decision. |
Anonymous
| Thank you, everyone! I'm feeling much better about my decision now. We'll see what happens. |
Anonymous
|
No.
Happily married here with 3 kids, and a good relationship with the inlaws, and the only one I would consider saying yes to this would be the almost middle schooler. I would laugh and scoff at them if they insisted I do this with any of my kids when they were toddlers or preschoolers. |