How do you deal with people who love you and want you to stop?

[Anonymous]

I have been to hell and back like so many of us. Failed IVF with OE, including a m/c. Moved on to DE and just lost it last week.

Mom wants me to stop, said so in the worst throes of my grief, and I lost it on her.

Now a dear friend wrote and said she hopes that if the next round doesn't work that I stop because she's worried about my health, and since I'm single that there would be no one to take care of me and my baby if I get sick.

Well, that last m/c proved that it's not true, people rallied around me. Mom, brother, everyone. Some of whom had only just then heard that I was trying to have a baby--when you're single it's not a proclamation.

I understand hating that it's taking this long--I feel this way more than anyone else. But I'm not ready to stop, and the doctor assures me that with DE, my odds are still high, he thinks the m/c was a fluke--though we're doing all testing advisable before the next round.

Any encouragement from those who have continued and persevered and think it was worth it, would be welcome.

[Anonymous]

OP here, that should read, lost it last month.

[Anonymous]

If you want to continue, by all mean, do so! Others are just having a hard time watching you suffer, which is understandable. But, this ultimately is NOT about what they want or about making them feel better--it's about you and your child. Only you can decide what's too much for you to bear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to continue, by all mean, do so! Others are just having a hard time watching you suffer, which is understandable. But, this ultimately is NOT about what they want or about making them feel better--it's about you and your child. Only you can decide what's too much for you to bear.

+1. They're coming from a place of love, even though their comments are hurtful. I think all you can do is try to remember that and be strong in your own heart about what you want. I will add that one day when you have your child, you will totally understand where your mother is coming from. My mother has said all kinds of things that I considered unsupportive and hurtful about any area of life in which I struggled. I would always (erroneously, I now realize) interpret it as her thinking she knew better than me or not trusting me to make decisions about my own life. Once I had my own child, boy did I understand how painful it is for her to see me suffer. In fact, comments that were hurtful at the time I now look back on and they make me feel closer to her. I think when we're adults we assume that those protective instincts our parents have for us are gone, but they aren't.

It sounds like your doctor is optimistic for you. Hold onto that. Godspeed in your quest, OP!

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I am trying to work but coming back to this board and another forum to keep me from drowning in tears--the good and bad days are so unpredictable, right?

Thank you, and please keep the encouragement and if anyone has them, success stories for loss after DE coming.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's worth it. We slogged through 4 years of losses and setbacks before finally finding success. Two separate doctors brushed us off saying there was nothing more they could do for me. I trusted my instincts, did my own research, and specifically sought out providers who would allow me to try the interventions that I felt were right for me. In the end it worked and DD is the absolute light of my life.

Only you know what is the right path for your own life. If you allow others to make you give in when you aren't ready, you will only resent them in the long run. Don't resign yourself to a lifetime of "what-ifs".

[Anonymous]

OP, you may not realize it but going through all that does affect the ppl around you. Esp with the hormones involved. I have been really private with my struggles bc the reality is that people either don't know what to say or they get tired of hearing about it. Follow your heart but keep an open mind for your loved ones' opinions. They may have a clearer perspective than you are able to have at this point. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Why is your friend worried about your health? I would take that very seriously. Does she mean your mental health? The fact that people rallied around you when you had your miscarriage does not really indicate anything. Actually having a baby is much more stressful in the long term. You shouldn't really be counting on other people to step in if you have serious mental health challenges.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're struggling.

For me, when I would have incredible lows during the process, I would think...which option feels worse -never having a child or continuing with treatment? And I would try to examine that question honestly. For me, I could never make peace with not having that child. That option always felt worse. So I perservered. But I do think everyone has a breaking point and you will know yours when you hit it.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your friend worried about your health? I would take that very seriously. Does she mean your mental health? The fact that people rallied around you when you had your miscarriage does not really indicate anything. Actually having a baby is much more stressful in the long term. You shouldn't really be counting on other people to step in if you have serious mental health challenges.

I don't have serious mental health challenges. Deciding to have a baby even ended my anxiety issues. Believe it or not I'm healthier emotionally than ever, despite the grief. I am going to ask her about the health question. She knows I'm recovering on schedule, both mentally and physically.

I guess I heard in her message that she cares and it's hard to watch me go through this again and again. But I feel like it's different with DE--resetting the clock so to speak. If this was indeed a fluke. They're karyotyping the donor hoping to find and answer, and we are testing me to death as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you post about being angry with SG in a different thread? Maybe your friend heard some of that anger and worried for you? The emotional roller coaster you were going through was/is painful to watch even from the perspective of an anonymous poster. I am sure people are just caring for and looking out for you. But you still get to call the shots and if you want to keep trying, keep trying.

[Anonymous]

OP here, yes that was me.

My donor's karyotyping is delayed another week (lab backed up) which doesn't really matter since I don't have a period yet.

I was angry but today I matter-of-factly told my nurse that if the donor comes back with a translocation I hope that Shady Grove would reconsider and test donors--the cost is well worth passing on and if it even prevents one miscarraige a year it's worth it.

I know it is my decision. Just feels like what started out as a joyful journey, is now disappointing people. I just had a talk with my BFF and she admitted she was very worried about me but that she doesn't think it means I have to stop trying.

We agreed that I have to harden my heart. My point of joy was the heartbeat last time--it will be much later than that next time.

There is no way to prevent any pain of loss, but since I have to try again, I have to know I will survive if it does happen again.

Women have survived more than two miscarriages. I find it hard to believe that I'm weak. This one was so shocking and a DE miscarriage is almost worse because of the promise "I'm done, finally". I've found similar reactions as mine on boards where people were posting about DE miscarriage.

I can't stop until I'm ready to accept a child-free life--since there is no guarantee with adoption either.

[Anonymous]

I am single, too. Age 45 (just had my bday last week.) After 5 years TTC via my own eggs & donor sperm (10 procedures- half were IVF, and numerous cancelled cycles) I have finally moved on to adoption, and I am thrilled! I know that baby will be the one I was meant to have. It was an epiphany for me, and it took me a while to get there. Now that I have moved on to adoption, I am over my TTC grief. I wish you good luck, whatever road it takes you to motherhood.

OP, Just curious...how old are you? How long have you been TTC? And would you consider adoption?

[Anonymous]

I am single too- with a 3 year old due to DS. Success on third try with IUIs at age 39.

Fast forward and I've repeated IVF failure in an attempt for #2. Just recently completed PGD and am awaiting a BFP (power of positive thinking) with the normals put back in a FET.

I opted to not go to Shady Grove b/c I did not find them to be as friendly or innovative for choice moms. If you haven't already, go to choicemoms.org for lots of support and advice from those in your shoes.

(I opted to go to Columbia Fertility)

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

PP- I am 18:09. I was at CFA- too Who is your RE? GL!