Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

[Anonymous]

Cash is efficient and appreciated by 8th graders.

You need better examples to make your point. Team DH on the cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

OP is not the one who is supposed to do the steps. Her husband is. I’m the one that posted the steps because I am the adult in my household with ADHD. The point is that the adult with ADHD is the one who needs a system. There are some small things that my husband does to accommodate my systems and not make things harder for me, but ultimately I take responsibility for things I say I will do. Small things like invite my work calendar when he creates shared calendar events. He does not nag or remind me once I accept an invite or we jointly look ahead to coordinate plans for the next few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cash is efficient and appreciated by 8th graders.

You need better examples to make your point. Team DH on the cash.

And 8 yos?

And dad sleeping in and making said 8 yo late for the afternoon bday party? (Hope the kid ate breakfast and lunch!).

And dad stuffing some picket change in an old envelope?

Classy all around. Hope the party hosts didn’t call CPS. He looked like a bum, figuratively and likely physically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better!

[Anonymous]

My husband is so stupid, Part II

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better!

Sorry, no. The “stop being a victim, you have agency!” posters are patting themselves on the back for pointing out that OP has a choice to divorce. That’s it. This isn’t news. Presumably OP doesn’t want a divorce as that’s not the topic of her thread. Most people trying to raise kids are also trying to avoid that. She’d trying to figure out how to have a functional marriage with someone who’s got his feet on the coffee table 95% of the time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. There is nobody more controlling than the person who lowers the bar as far as possible, refuses to budge, and makes everyone else meet him there. To suggest that any real “choices” (other than divorce! Yes, we see you prior posters) exist with someone like this is a farce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better!

Sorry, no. The “stop being a victim, you have agency!” posters are patting themselves on the back for pointing out that OP has a choice to divorce. That’s it. This isn’t news. Presumably OP doesn’t want a divorce as that’s not the topic of her thread. Most people trying to raise kids are also trying to avoid that. She’d trying to figure out how to have a functional marriage with someone who’s got his feet on the coffee table 95% of the time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. There is nobody more controlling than the person who lowers the bar as far as possible, refuses to budge, and makes everyone else meet him there. To suggest that any real “choices” (other than divorce! Yes, we see you prior posters) exist with someone like this is a farce.

+100. And the reason she is posting here is not to get people to tell her “you have agency!!” It’s to better process and understand the situation, and to get validation that she is not in fact imagining how f’d up the situation is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better!

Sorry, no. The “stop being a victim, you have agency!” posters are patting themselves on the back for pointing out that OP has a choice to divorce. That’s it. This isn’t news. Presumably OP doesn’t want a divorce as that’s not the topic of her thread. Most people trying to raise kids are also trying to avoid that. She’d trying to figure out how to have a functional marriage with someone who’s got his feet on the coffee table 95% of the time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. There is nobody more controlling than the person who lowers the bar as far as possible, refuses to budge, and makes everyone else meet him there. To suggest that any real “choices” (other than divorce! Yes, we see you prior posters) exist with someone like this is a farce.

Divorce is not her only option. We have all been saying that she has two options: she can accept him for who he is (and maybe *then* they can figure out systems that will work for both of them as individuals, rather than systems that she desires that would work for only her), OR she can divorce.

Complaining and attempting to wish him into being a different person is not actually accomplishing anything now, and it clearly will not accomplish anything in the future.

You and the other people in this thread pushing back on this reality are basically engaging in a “my spouse is terrible” circle jerk. It might feel good in the moment, but what exactly are hoping to gain long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better!

Sorry, no. The “stop being a victim, you have agency!” posters are patting themselves on the back for pointing out that OP has a choice to divorce. That’s it. This isn’t news. Presumably OP doesn’t want a divorce as that’s not the topic of her thread. Most people trying to raise kids are also trying to avoid that. She’d trying to figure out how to have a functional marriage with someone who’s got his feet on the coffee table 95% of the time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. There is nobody more controlling than the person who lowers the bar as far as possible, refuses to budge, and makes everyone else meet him there. To suggest that any real “choices” (other than divorce! Yes, we see you prior posters) exist with someone like this is a farce.

+100. And the reason she is posting here is not to get people to tell her “you have agency!!” It’s to better process and understand the situation, and to get validation that she is not in fact imagining how f’d up the situation is.

This. It's amazing how many people on this thread are happy to gaslight OP that *actually* this problem is her fault somehow when it is her DH who is very obviously failing at managing his ADHD and parenting his kids.

Do we think OP's DH is somewhere right now trying to address his executive functioning issues? Of course not. He is going about business as usual secure in the knowledge that he can screw up every day or not even try and his high functioning wife will fix it for him and he will be forgiven by society and she'll be blamed for his poor behavior anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better!

Sorry, no. The “stop being a victim, you have agency!” posters are patting themselves on the back for pointing out that OP has a choice to divorce. That’s it. This isn’t news. Presumably OP doesn’t want a divorce as that’s not the topic of her thread. Most people trying to raise kids are also trying to avoid that. She’d trying to figure out how to have a functional marriage with someone who’s got his feet on the coffee table 95% of the time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. There is nobody more controlling than the person who lowers the bar as far as possible, refuses to budge, and makes everyone else meet him there. To suggest that any real “choices” (other than divorce! Yes, we see you prior posters) exist with someone like this is a farce.

Divorce is not her only option. We have all been saying that she has two options: she can accept him for who he is (and maybe *then* they can figure out systems that will work for both of them as individuals, rather than systems that she desires that would work for only her), OR she can divorce.

Complaining and attempting to wish him into being a different person is not actually accomplishing anything now, and it clearly will not accomplish anything in the future.

You and the other people in this thread pushing back on this reality are basically engaging in a “my spouse is terrible” circle jerk. It might feel good in the moment, but what exactly are hoping to gain long term?

This is a semantic trap.

Your suggested solution is "accept him for who he is" and "figure out systems that will work for both of them as individuals" is in practice basically the same as getting him to be a different person. Because he is not motivated to find solutions that work for both of them. He is happy with the current solution which is where she deals with the negative externalities of his ADHD and his immaturity and he just kind of does whatever he wants.

They already have a system and it's 100% dictated by the DH who does not manage his ADHD and does not try to participate as a full partner in their marriage. The system is "I DH will do things the way I always do which we all know doesn't work very well and my wife will scurry along behind me picking up the pieces."

Literally to fix this situation her DH needs to change. He needs to take responsibility for his behavior and he needs to be proactive in meeting his wife halfway. You can call this "working together to find a system that works for them both" or whatever.

Those of you who are mad at OP for complaining are literally just tone policing someone who is already working as hard as she can to make her family work. All to avoid stating the obvious: her DH is not pulling his weight and needs to alter his behavior and be a real partner to her. Why is that so wrong to say. Is OP the one dropping the ball and failing their kids? No -- it's her DH. He needs to change or yes she will wind up divorcing him once the kids are old enough to be self-sufficient because what is the incentive for her to lug around his dead weight the rest of her life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better!

Sorry, no. The “stop being a victim, you have agency!” posters are patting themselves on the back for pointing out that OP has a choice to divorce. That’s it. This isn’t news. Presumably OP doesn’t want a divorce as that’s not the topic of her thread. Most people trying to raise kids are also trying to avoid that. She’d trying to figure out how to have a functional marriage with someone who’s got his feet on the coffee table 95% of the time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. There is nobody more controlling than the person who lowers the bar as far as possible, refuses to budge, and makes everyone else meet him there. To suggest that any real “choices” (other than divorce! Yes, we see you prior posters) exist with someone like this is a farce.

Divorce is not her only option. We have all been saying that she has two options: she can accept him for who he is (and maybe *then* they can figure out systems that will work for both of them as individuals, rather than systems that she desires that would work for only her), OR she can divorce.

Complaining and attempting to wish him into being a different person is not actually accomplishing anything now, and it clearly will not accomplish anything in the future.

You and the other people in this thread pushing back on this reality are basically engaging in a “my spouse is terrible” circle jerk. It might feel good in the moment, but what exactly are hoping to gain long term?

Wake up, she already tried a bunch of dumbed down systems for him. He DGAF and won’t do them.

My asd spouse refuses to read his personal emails even once a week yet agreed to with his psychologist. all talk, zero action. He only reads work ones; he only replies to work ones. He DGAF to read emails about his kids, their teachers/school, their sports/coaches, their bday invites, etc. he DGAF.

He doesn’t read texts either. Only work ones. He only replies to work ones

Btw, he has no boundaries or organizational system for his work iPhone or emails. Whenever they come in, he immediately reads them and responds. All morning, day, night, weekend, vacation. When you’re that dysfunctional you respond asap or not at all. His clients, which don’t fall through the cracks, love that. His employees don’t and many have quit over the years.

Now he’s so senior he can bully and gaslight everyone. His calls are truly bizarre to overhear: I never said that! I never meant that! Thats not how it should go! Why do people keep quitting!? Let’s read more business books!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better!

Sorry, no. The “stop being a victim, you have agency!” posters are patting themselves on the back for pointing out that OP has a choice to divorce. That’s it. This isn’t news. Presumably OP doesn’t want a divorce as that’s not the topic of her thread. Most people trying to raise kids are also trying to avoid that. She’d trying to figure out how to have a functional marriage with someone who’s got his feet on the coffee table 95% of the time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. There is nobody more controlling than the person who lowers the bar as far as possible, refuses to budge, and makes everyone else meet him there. To suggest that any real “choices” (other than divorce! Yes, we see you prior posters) exist with someone like this is a farce.

+100. And the reason she is posting here is not to get people to tell her “you have agency!!” It’s to better process and understand the situation, and to get validation that she is not in fact imagining how f’d up the situation is.

Agree.


The functional spouse and parent is hamstrung.

I joined a support group for this. Things got repetitive fast. No real actionable tips there, just ignore them and rebuild your life. Life is often too busy with work and kids and calendars to baby your deduct husband through a divorce and coparenting.

The worst was the 65 yo retired ladies who got through 30 years of it thinking they were going crazy. But now they know, it was their adhd/asd spouse wreaking havoc on the household and it wasn’t them.

One lady even did a second marriage with an adhd/asd spouse who knew his ex, and was out fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

Giving advice/providing a different perspective (to a question that was asked by OP) is not haranguing.

Many of you are clearly annoyed at the idea that you cannot control other people. Many of you seem aggressively angry at the idea that you can, in fact, control yourself. I suspect this is because it is easy (and gratifying) to convince yourself that you are a helpless victim. But the reality is that you have agency, and you are perfectly able to change your environment, and/or change your thoughts.

SOMEONE is annoyed they can’t control other people and get them to acknowledge their (off point) advice!

Her advice is the best post on this thread. Many of us have said the same thing, but she said it so much better!

Sorry, no. The “stop being a victim, you have agency!” posters are patting themselves on the back for pointing out that OP has a choice to divorce. That’s it. This isn’t news. Presumably OP doesn’t want a divorce as that’s not the topic of her thread. Most people trying to raise kids are also trying to avoid that. She’d trying to figure out how to have a functional marriage with someone who’s got his feet on the coffee table 95% of the time.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. There is nobody more controlling than the person who lowers the bar as far as possible, refuses to budge, and makes everyone else meet him there. To suggest that any real “choices” (other than divorce! Yes, we see you prior posters) exist with someone like this is a farce.

Divorce is not her only option. We have all been saying that she has two options: she can accept him for who he is (and maybe *then* they can figure out systems that will work for both of them as individuals, rather than systems that she desires that would work for only her), OR she can divorce.

Complaining and attempting to wish him into being a different person is not actually accomplishing anything now, and it clearly will not accomplish anything in the future.

You and the other people in this thread pushing back on this reality are basically engaging in a “my spouse is terrible” circle jerk. It might feel good in the moment, but what exactly are hoping to gain long term?

honestly, just STOP. you keep on acting like there is something SHE can do to be the magic key to get him to step up. If only she would “accept” him, he would become more responsible! No, it doesn’t work that way. Moreover as a supposed stoic, one would think you would focus on this guy’s clear lack of virtue. A man who doesn’t care about his responsibilities to his family & wife doesn’t magically start caring about them just because she becomes “nicer”
or whatever.

Virtues are virtues - they aren’t contingent on whether you feel like the other person is nice enough to you to deserve you to actually perform your responsibilities.

My ex used to try to pull this one on me ALL the time. He didn’t do the childcare or anything else because I wasn’t “nice” enough. At the end he wasn’t even paying the mortgage or any joint expenses because I wasn’t “nice”
enough. I was like “I do these things because it’s my child and our jointly owned home” - but to him there was zero virtue involved, only what he felt like doing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s not a mentality, OP. It’s a disability. Educate yourself because sh***ing on people with ADHD does nothing since they already hate themselves. But by all means, revel in your superiority while your marriage falls apart. Hope “victory” feels good.

Some of us have ADHD and still manage to not embarrass or disappoint our kids with our inability to be a responsible adult.

Aren’t there degrees of ADHD though? Some people have a milder case than others?

And some people create systems and scaffolds in their lives to accommodate their weaknesses - or choose to simplify some things to allow more mental bandwidth for other things - like my kids and stuff that is important to them.
1. Receive party invite
2. RSVP yes and immediately put it on my Google calendar - inviting my work calendar and my husband.
3. Check for message “no gifts”. If no gifts - screenshot the invite and add that to the calendar entry - because I will doubt myself and recheck the invite 12 times otherwise. If it doesn’t say “no gifts” create a calendar event for the Saturday prior to the party that says “buy gift for X kid” and invite my husband.
4. Wednesday and Sunday - look at calendars with husband. Update each calendar entry for kids with a code to tell us who is driving / going / staying at the event.

But OP didn’t do #4. Or even #2. When I suggested OP change tactics the vultures came out to say that DH should do it all. But, OP is the miserable one. Maybe even has a touch of ADHD herself.

You’re just looking for reasons to blame OP.

Not at all. OP has more power than she thinks she does. But blaming her spouse for everything that’s wrong in marriage is not productive and I doubt there’s a single therapist who would say her DH is 100% in the wrong.

When my kid didn’t put on his shoes, I didn’t just go into a rage every time when I did the same exact thing every day. Sometimes I even gave my kid a bit of grace, “that sucks you have to put on shoes, I’d rather be barefoot too.” Suddenly there’s commiseration and acceptance.

Ok so I want to make sure I understand what you're saying here.

If your kid is refusing to put on his shoes after you ask him to you have found that extending him grace and empathy helps you move forward because he feels heard and understood. Yes?

And what you are saying is that OP should do the same with her DH -- extend him grace and empathy regarding his ADHD and the ways that it makes it hard for him to do stuff with the kids or around the house. Am I correct in making that leap?

If so then why is it then when OP comes here to complain about this situation and express her frustration with her DH you and others think the key is to tell OP that her feelings are invalid or she needs to "just do X" to fix it? Following your logic wouldn't it make more sense to extend OP grace and empathy and say "that sounds really frustrating and you have a right to be upset that your spouse isn't being a partner"?

And if that's not the obvious logical conclusio of your argument why is it that you can see that your child needs grace and empathy and you can see that OP's DH needs grace and empathy but OP herself does not deserve grace and empathy? I am genuinely confused.

Yes. I think she absolutely deserves grace. She’s obviously very mad, and rightly so. What she chooses to do now, is up to her. Look I’ve both been the slacker (due to anxiety and depression) and been frustrated with DH for not helping out enough (intense job with lots of travel). When we’ve both calmed down a bit, we’ve gotten better results. We definitely went through the motions to divorce, and then ended up staying after joint therapy. CBT has been freeing because I can be mad or sad, but it’s not reactionary. It’s deliberate. It’s a small shift and was transformative for me.

I’m not perfect, neither is DH. If we’re in a pattern, I can shift my behavior or not. That’s my choice. His too.

From the title of the post, it seems like OP has not considered it from DH’s perspective. The vast majority of respondents say her husband is a horrible human being. That won’t solve her anger.

I see. You’re projecting. It makes you question your own decision to suck it up when you see a woman not doing the same.

OP is the one sucking it up, not PP! OP is the one who still has a problem. PP has a resolution she's content with.

If she was content with it she wouldn’t be here haranguing OP.

No one will be content or accepting of him.

The situation is unacceptable.

However, life is hard and with kids you are stuck. They know this. You are being abused and held ransom by the mentally ill spouse parent.

So you cope the best you can and focus on the kids.

I would not turn down an affair if one presented itself. But I’m too busy doing everything and fixing messes to give two F’s about that.