How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish the family court systems in the US would look into this too. Coparenting with an ASD ex is very difficult on the children and Nt ex. Probably less so than remaining in the marriage and same house but tons of mishaps, issues, non compliance, and anger.

So what’s your vision here? Termination of parental rights due to an autism diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

I've been on these forums for a decade+, and this is the smartest, kindest, most gracious reply I think I've ever read. Thank you, pp. Now go write a book!

Well, at first it would seem that way, because it's well-written. But what it is really saying is now that women are not relegated to the home, dictated largely by the Church, men, and espeically those who are rigid, cannot handle it. That's what the PP is saying. It's garbage and a poor excuse for allowing men to treat their wives badly.

[Anonymous]

Dear John is a movie based on a Nicolas Sparks book, dealing with an adult man (the father) not diagnosed but probably on the autism spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regressing in manners, respect of others, verbal communication, and selfishness is not pushing the limits of anything. Unless you mean who much their parents, spouses and own kids will take of it. Yeah, those limits get pushed.

Someone like Elon Musk.

One trick pony work addict.

Someone else literally still feeds him, buys his clothes, tells him where to be, makes his health appts, tells him what to do, and at work & home he’s a bully.

Imagine what you could “accomplish” if you forewent all adult responsibilities, dumped them on others or let them go, and only did your “passion” 24/7/365.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

I've been on these forums for a decade+, and this is the smartest, kindest, most gracious reply I think I've ever read. Thank you, pp. Now go write a book!

Well, at first it would seem that way, because it's well-written. But what it is really saying is now that women are not relegated to the home, dictated largely by the Church, men, and espeically those who are rigid, cannot handle it. That's what the PP is saying. It's garbage and a poor excuse for allowing men to treat their wives badly.

Correct on all accounts. Plus it was refuted mid-thread for multiple valid reasons. In addition to the fact that it’s not the 1950s misogyny era.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish the family court systems in the US would look into this too. Coparenting with an ASD ex is very difficult on the children and Nt ex. Probably less so than remaining in the marriage and same house but tons of mishaps, issues, non compliance, and anger.

So what’s your vision here? Termination of parental rights due to an autism diagnosis?

What do family courts do or say about mentally disordered parents?

Is this why there’s so many gray divorces? One parent must stay to protect the children from the other parent?

Does OP even have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same situation here, with kids and I work. We all ignore him and live our best life. I rebuilt our whole social life and schedule before and again after Covid. And I can keep doing it.

He doesn’t notice, care or engage. He prefers to be left alone to work or watch netflix. I can get him to drive kids or carpool around to stuff a couple times a week. He doesn’t even watch the game or talk to other parents.

He doesn’t like to interact with people. He’ll do it to save face at a BBQ or school thing - it used to be alarming for the kids to see their dad talking to everyone but themselves for an hour or two. Now it isn’t, they know he’s out of it or “always tired” if at home.

Similar situation here. It's sad but every time I think about leaving I think it's better to wait until the kids leave for college. I hate the way things are but at this point I know he won't change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish the family court systems in the US would look into this too. Coparenting with an ASD ex is very difficult on the children and Nt ex. Probably less so than remaining in the marriage and same house but tons of mishaps, issues, non compliance, and anger.

So what’s your vision here? Termination of parental rights due to an autism diagnosis?

What do family courts do or say about mentally disordered parents?

Is this why there’s so many gray divorces? One parent must stay to protect the children from the other parent?

Does OP even have children?

Autism is not a “mental disorder” that makes parents uniformly unfit. If it makes an individual parent unfit then the system already has ways to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Love to hear from teens or adults with an ASD parent on how that all worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wish the family court systems in the US would look into this too. Coparenting with an ASD ex is very difficult on the children and Nt ex. Probably less so than remaining in the marriage and same house but tons of mishaps, issues, non compliance, and anger.

So what’s your vision here? Termination of parental rights due to an autism diagnosis?

What do family courts do or say about mentally disordered parents?

Is this why there’s so many gray divorces? One parent must stay to protect the children from the other parent?

Does OP even have children?

Autism is not a “mental disorder” that makes parents uniformly unfit. If it makes an individual parent unfit then the system already has ways to deal with that.

Do U.S. family courts care about unfit parents or children’s health and safety? My impression was parents right supercede children’s safety/health and there’s a low bar to custody time: food, shelter, clothes, no physical abuse of child. Invisible disability, untreated mental disorder, or abuse of mother are all not taken into account…. Until there’s a terrible accident or incident.

[Anonymous]

Correct. While I agree that the poster who made the statement on today's society verses past generations is correct and the rebuttals also correct, it doesn't make either of them untrue. Home life is more complex for males today and some of them are still more comfortable working away at something rather than socializing at the home or with others. Women married to men like this should appreciate the money and the work the man does and get over having a deep relationship with someone less in touch with their feelings and social skills. Appreciate that aspect of their person which contributes to the family. Courts care that the children get to see both parents to the maximum amount possible and that they are provided for. That's about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love to hear from teens or adults with an ASD parent on how that all worked out.

Gosh really glad that this discussion has morphed from “husbands with autism are deceptive monsters” to “people with autism should have their kids taken away.” With a fun stop at stem cell therapy in between. Great job guys.

[Anonymous]

Stem cell poster was a red herring troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Correct. While I agree that the poster who made the statement on today's society verses past generations is correct and the rebuttals also correct, it doesn't make either of them untrue. Home life is more complex for males today and some of them are still more comfortable working away at something rather than socializing at the home or with others. Women married to men like this should appreciate the money and the work the man does and get over having a deep relationship with someone less in touch with their feelings and social skills. Appreciate that aspect of their person which contributes to the family. Courts care that the children get to see both parents to the maximum amount possible and that they are provided for. That's about it.

Lol. For the love of god, don’t males have any self respect?

Do not get married if all you have to offer someone or your kids is your paycheck plus neglect. Or at least be very upfront with your cool arrangement proposal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Correct. While I agree that the poster who made the statement on today's society verses past generations is correct and the rebuttals also correct, it doesn't make either of them untrue. Home life is more complex for males today and some of them are still more comfortable working away at something rather than socializing at the home or with others. Women married to men like this should appreciate the money and the work the man does and get over having a deep relationship with someone less in touch with their feelings and social skills. Appreciate that aspect of their person which contributes to the family. Courts care that the children get to see both parents to the maximum amount possible and that they are provided for. That's about it.

Let me tell my teen daughters this at once.