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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think you’re a shit person for having an affair, and I think infidelity is its own form of abuse, but I also think that in no way excuses or justifies the abuse committed against you.

Get out and work on yourself to become a better person and to create better boundaries to protect yourself from abuse.

BTW, your AP has sold. you a sob story about his life to justify his relationship with you.  When I read my now exDH’s emails to his AP, they were full of the same kind of “I am stuck in this marriage” rhetoric you describe.  But, the reality we had sex multiple times a week and when I confronted him about the affair, he begged me to stay. Even after I ended things, he he worked for a couple more years trying to get me to reconcile, but I refused.

APs (both you and your AP) have serious character flaws. They lie, manipulate, engage in delusional thinking, and create double lives and fantasies.  Your AP is manipulating and abusing you in a way that is different from your husband’s abuse.

Again, please get out and get therapy and abstain from relationships for a couple of years while you work on yourself.

[/quote]

Op here, yes I understand all this. As I said the affair is long over. I’m totally aware of the duplicity/cowardice/escapism/delusion/dissociation/living in my head involved. I’d never lived a double life before (except with my husband who abuses me privately and maintains a public facade…so prototypical). I have a tendency towards irresponsibility and dreaminess. This triggers my husband to crack down and again makes me defend his abuse.

Re: AP he never gave me a sob story. His home life had been sufficiently happy. He had not a trace of self-pity. I’ve never known anyone as un-self-pitying. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I admired that about him. He had lost a parent to cancer at a young age and felt life was short, we should focus on the positive, and although he fought/worked hard for his life no one “deserves” anything. He helped me mature in that way, contradictory as that sounds.[/quote]

You keep forgetting his wife in all of this.  Very self-centered both of you.  His wife certainly didn’t “deserve” to be cheated on and lied to for years, and certainly not be in a non-monogamous marriage without her knowledge or consent.  Talk about abuse.

You have A LOT of work to do since you still cannot see that and still want to frame your affair and AP as something just wonderful.  You are shittt and he’s shitty, and (though I’m only getting your version), your husband is shitty.  I don’t really by that you are abused.  You sound all about justification and mental gymnastics.[/quote]

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