How do I make it so my kids are not like this

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm wondering if the screens are th issue or if it's something else. All of my nieces and nephews watch screens at some point or another, and they can all zone out in front of them at times. But a couple of them are definitely screen obsessed, and actively seek to avoid human interaction in favor of screens. They are also openly rude to their parents, particularly while focused on screens, to a degree that makes me sad. The others definitely love TV and playing games but aren't jerks about it and can also be totally happy doing other things.

So for me, I don't try to restrict screen time a ton and I accept it's going to be a part of my kids lives. But we focus on the other stuff -- do our kids talk to us, do they like going outside, are they capable of entertaining themselves or calming themselves down without screens? If the answers to all of those are yes, I don't worry too much about the rest. We didn't have cell phones or even PCs when I was growing up (I mean, desktops for word processing, but no internet), definitely no iPads. But I definitely still zoned out in front of cartoons and movies as a kid. But I didn't use them to hide from the world or to mentally check out from my family. I would focus on that and worry less about screens, personally.

[Anonymous]

Keep the devices out of the house as long as possible.

When you do have them, set a fixed schedule and don't deviate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't default to screens as a travel and "in-between" activity. Screens are great, but make it intentional: family movie night, designated TV time to watch a favorite show, selected games or apps to be played after finishing homework or chores.

We didn't do screens during travel until our kid was 7, and then only as a request for a specific activity ("Can I watch an episode of [x show]"). They still don't have their own iPad (now 10) except as provided by the school for school stuff (which comes locked from stuff like YouTube and is really only available for educational things). So they have to ask us to use an iPad. Still great at technology, great with a computer. But screens have a designated use.

I would also suggest working hard on your own screen usage. This was harder for my DH than me, but once our kid was in school it got easier because he could basically hide his screen time from her. But when we are together as a family, phones are away except to take a call, send a text, or look up something specific. No mindless scrolling or playing games (trust me, we do that during non-family time, we are normal and deeply imperfect).

Our kid doesn't really even ask for screens that much. Likes to read (something we also do in front of her a lot, something that is easier when we aren't on our phones all the time, so win-win). Likes to talk to us. Likes to play games a lot. Enjoys listening to music or podcasts.

It also helps that peers seem to be similarly restricted from or on reduced screen time -- one of the positives of living in a very liberal, middle class area is that a lot of other families have similar values. But the biggest thing is to not push screens as a way to occupy your kid (which yes, means more work for you especially when they are younger and more annoying), and to try and demonstrate good behavior around screens by not zoning out in front of them, at least while your kid is around. This gets easier once they are in school or activities because it gives you a chance to do that when they aren't around. Just being honest -- I know this makes me a hypocrite. But I didn't grow up addicted to screens, it happened later. I'm trying to similarly preserve that for my kid.

This is great advice.
You can do it, OP, but it is very difficult and you have to be very intentional. It's great that you are starting to think hard about this now because whatever you decide to do, it will be harder than you think. Set your standards in advance with the knowledge that there will be slippage. Think very carefully about what age you will permit them to get their first "device" of any kind. It's easy to fall for "screens" that are marketed as educational toys. Try to never have your phones in hand at the dinner table or during family time.
Finding like-minded families/friends/peers will be very important.

[Anonymous]

I’m very anti screen but I have lost the screen time battle with my boys ages 10 and 12.

I’m a SAHM and try to keep my 3 kids active and busy. The kids play multiple sports so when school is in session, they are pretty busy with school, extracurriculars at school, homework, sports, instruments and play dates. I try to plan family outings. We are members of a country club, neighborhood pool and have a boat.

If we are just home, the default thing my tweens like to do is screens. They switch between computer games, smart tv, iPad, video games. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. I also have a younger child and it is easy to entertain her and not have any screens at all. She is very easily entertained and loves to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be extremely engaged and proactive about keeping them busy and stimulated. And have rules around screen time.

I'm a NP very similar to the PP with the long post and the kid who didn't have screens until 7, and I don't think this is true. Literally not having screens around as an option for kids did a lot of the work for us-- though to be fair, not having a TV or tablet or gaming system is hard for some people in itself. I dislike the idea that kids need to be kept constantly engaged/busy/stimulated by either screens or a parent at all times. They can also explore and be bored and come up with their own ideas, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m very anti screen but I have lost the screen time battle with my boys ages 10 and 12.

I’m a SAHM and try to keep my 3 kids active and busy. The kids play multiple sports so when school is in session, they are pretty busy with school, extracurriculars at school, homework, sports, instruments and play dates. I try to plan family outings. We are members of a country club, neighborhood pool and have a boat.

If we are just home, the default thing my tweens like to do is screens. They switch between computer games, smart tv, iPad, video games. It is what it is.

You didn't lose the battle, hon. You chose this. Why do you children have these things if you don't want them to do it? You sound like a troll.

[Anonymous]

I think the point about some kids only being given screens when there are visitors (but giving the impression they're always on them) is a good one.

That said, I have found that my kid (and I) learned a lot from things like interacting with adults without kids, going on long plane rides, going out to dinner, etc., and all the situations that "require" screens. This isn't sanctimony and I'm not all *~fINd the JOY iN eVERYdaY hashtagblessed~* (Oh, and my kid is not the quiet, compliant type, either.) But I found I gained confidence in my parenting after experiencing all those things without screens. No shame in using them-- but I do think a lot of people assume you can't get through some of those experiences without them, and I think that's rarely true for the vast majority of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep the devices out of the house as long as possible.

When you do have them, set a fixed schedule and don't deviate.

This is all.

[Anonymous]

Encouraging other hobbies. Especially ones that can be done in smaller amounts of time: reading or drawing for example. Crossword puzzles and sudoku. Anything they can do in the car and while you are socializing with other adults. Video games aren't awful for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m very anti screen but I have lost the screen time battle with my boys ages 10 and 12.

I’m a SAHM and try to keep my 3 kids active and busy. The kids play multiple sports so when school is in session, they are pretty busy with school, extracurriculars at school, homework, sports, instruments and play dates. I try to plan family outings. We are members of a country club, neighborhood pool and have a boat.

If we are just home, the default thing my tweens like to do is screens. They switch between computer games, smart tv, iPad, video games. It is what it is.

You didn't lose the battle, hon. You chose this. Why do you children have these things if you don't want them to do it? You sound like a troll.

I am not a troll. I am a mother of two tween boys. I am pretty sure every single one of their tween/teen friends have the same.

How old are your kids?

Like I said, I was very anti screen. Luckily there are very few days we are home all day. We go on a lot of vacations, outings and hang out with others.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

I was the perfect parent of older children when I had toddlers. Wait a few years.

[Anonymous]

I agree that kids are on screens too much. My own two included. What we did well when they were in elementary school: no screens until the weekends. There was no arguing because we never relented on the day. We had a calendar up so they could see. And I was home with them (worked part time) so from school to bedtime we had to be creative—outside time, reading, building coloring, etc.

What we did wrong—allow them to get phones during the pandemic. I am glad they’re connected to their friends, but it’s harder to control. We do have screen limits, and their phones are in my room by 9pm every night, but they’re still on screens (phone, tv, switch) way too much for my taste.

[Anonymous]

We have screens but on a schedule and not as a "im bored" activity.