Father dying and my children offer no comfort

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, seeing you sad and upset has likely been unsettling to them. I suspect they are trying to act as normal as possible because they don't know what to do and want their old mom, the rock and who has an answer to everything, back.

You need to step aside and explain it to them. "Guys, I know I've been upset lately because Grandpa is so sick and he's going to die in the next few weeks. It's really hard for me and so I know it's also meant some changes to our house. You can help by giving me a hug occasionally and just being a little more responsible around the house. That would really be comforting to me and I would really appreciate it. Likewise, if you are sad about grandpa, let's talk about it too. This is hard on all of us."

Great advice.

Agree but also I would not actually depend on them for your emotional needs right now. Your husband, clergy and friends are going to need to be your support system -- not your kids.

[Anonymous]

She is not "depending" upon them.

Just sad that they are not being there for her.

I think it is an entirely understandable feeling.

She has probably spent 15 years caring for/about them, and these insights can be disappointing. Just admit it moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband was a teen his grandfather died and his mom expected the same thing as you OP — for him to comfort her. When he was thinking, “why didn’t she try to comfort me?” You are the parent here. If you need support it’s for you and your spouse or therapist. Not your kids to provide it.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of relationship did you build between your kids and your father over the years?

Did your father live out of state? Did your kids only see your father a couple of times a year on holidays? If so, then it is unreasonable for you to expect your kids to have the same kind of feelings for him that you have (since you grew up with him) or that they have for you. In that case, their lack of "empathy" for a person who is basically a stranger is largely your fault.

Ah, digging the knife in when OP is grieving. Unkind.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I'm so sorry. Is your dad local? Did they have a lot of time with him growing up?

My sons were 9 and 12 when my dad was going through terminal cancer and then hospice. My sister's boys were 18, 21 and 24.

He was the grandpa that came to all over their sporting events. They would sleepover at grandparents' house. He took a huge interest in all of their interests.

So- the college junior drove home several times. My boys went to see him a lot and then when he basically came home to die, everyone was at my mom's for the next 3 days.

BUT, OP, the younger kids moved on very fast after even though they were very emotional seeing him at the end. My sister's kids has a harder time since they knew him even longer and were adults.

I did feel like EVERYONE moved on faster than me. I was the youngest of his three children and I worked in the same field (even same office at one point!). We were a lot alike and very close.

3 years later and it is still hard. I'm so sorry about your dad. BIG Hugs. My mistake was not letting anyone know how I was feeling after the first few weeks. My husband had no idea a lot of my behavior 1 year- 1.5 years later was the grief I was hiding because I was afraid what everyone would think of me if I was still having a hard time. Same with my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of relationship did you build between your kids and your father over the years?

Did your father live out of state? Did your kids only see your father a couple of times a year on holidays? If so, then it is unreasonable for you to expect your kids to have the same kind of feelings for him that you have (since you grew up with him) or that they have for you. In that case, their lack of "empathy" for a person who is basically a stranger is largely your fault.

Ah, digging the knife in when OP is grieving. Unkind.

+1. Ignore this miserable poster.

[Anonymous]

A lot of PPs seem to be content to raise socipaths who learn to treat women like doormats. Unreal.

[Anonymous]

OP here

My dad passed last week.

Thanks for all the trolls. Hope you feel good about yourself.

I was not “depending” on them. Is it too much to ask teenagers not to fight about stupid things and not say they don’t like what I cooked for dinner while my mind was thinking of my dying father.

That is all I was talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

My dad passed last week.

Thanks for all the trolls. Hope you feel good about yourself.

I was not “depending” on them. Is it too much to ask teenagers not to fight about stupid things and not say they don’t like what I cooked for dinner while my mind was thinking of my dying father.

That is all I was talking about.

It can be too much to ask teenagers. I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's normal. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

My dad passed last week.

Thanks for all the trolls. Hope you feel good about yourself.

I was not “depending” on them. Is it too much to ask teenagers not to fight about stupid things and not say they don’t like what I cooked for dinner while my mind was thinking of my dying father.

That is all I was talking about.

It can be too much to ask teenagers. I am sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss. But yes I think that is too much to ask, unfortunately. They lost a grandparent. They are too young to really be thinking about what the loss means for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. FWIW - My oldest son died suddenly and his youmger brothers preferred not to discuss nor dwell on it. It may be a function of age

I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

My dad passed last week.

Thanks for all the trolls. Hope you feel good about yourself.

I was not “depending” on them. Is it too much to ask teenagers not to fight about stupid things and not say they don’t like what I cooked for dinner while my mind was thinking of my dying father.

That is all I was talking about.

I'm sorry about your dad.

It is not too much to ask that of them -- but did you ask, or did you expect it without asking? It takes a lot of time for some people to learn empathy. And often we have to teach it when we're least in the mood to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How will teens learn to be adults, if you treat them like they are 7?

These kids could be within months of legal adulthood (and already engagedin sexual relationships).

It is a great time to help them start learning that reciprocity is inherent to healthy relationships.

+1. It's baffling to me that so many people on this thread think it's perfectly acceptable for teenagers not to have some empathy for their grieving mother. Should they be the source of her support, obviously not. But should they be able to offer kindness and compassion during a difficult time for her? Absolutely. At a minimum, it will prepare them for the future when friends and other loved ones lose someone close to them. SMH.

[Anonymous]

My dad just died and my kids are a little older. They’ve been nice about offering sympathy, hugs, etc but they have not stepped up in terms of extra work around the house. One admitted they’d been afraid I would fall apart. It may be like when you’re sick but your little kids act out to force you to get up and prove to them that you are okay.