Father dying and my children offer no comfort

[Anonymous]

Am I expecting too much. My father is dying. Will be out on hospice soon. My teenage children are not comforting at all and are behaving like their usual teenage selfs. Is this normal? I feel like a failure while at the same time grieving the loss of my dad.

[Anonymous]

They’re teenagers. That’s not a group known for their empathy. They have no idea what it’s like to lose a parent. Yes, you’re expecting too much.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. FWIW - My oldest son died suddenly and his youmger brothers preferred not to discuss nor dwell on it. It may be a function of age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. FWIW - My oldest son died suddenly and his youmger brothers preferred not to discuss nor dwell on it. It may be a function of age

Hi. I am so sorry. My deepest condolences to you and your family on the loss of your son. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband around? He should be prompting them. Even if he an ex, he should be prompting them with what to do and say

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are expecting too much from teenagers. You will have to teach them and they will learn from your current example.

[Anonymous]

Are you comforting them for the loss of their grandfather? Teenagers aren't mature enough to do what you're asking of them.
What you're asking them to do is rise above their own emotions about death (they don't have a ton of experience yet with death), and role-reverse in order to comfort their own mother when they've never been in this situation before.

Pp has a good idea about having their dad prompt them. But overall, it's still your job as mom to provide support and comfort to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I expecting too much. My father is dying. Will be out on hospice soon. My teenage children are not comforting at all and are behaving like their usual teenage selfs. Is this normal? I feel like a failure while at the same time grieving the loss of my dad.

Are they out getting tattoos?

[Anonymous]

You need to tell them what you want from them, so they know what to do. Some people feel really awkward around death. For all you know, they view it as "Grandpa's dying slowly, Mom is sad, I wish he'd hurry up and die already so Mom can finish being sad." Which is, in a way, empathetic.

But tell them what you want - extra hugs, asking how you are once or twice a day, for them to take on extra chores to lighten your load, what?

[Anonymous]

how close are they to their grandfather?

[Anonymous]

When you are sad it can be hard to deal with others who do not feel the same grief. I agree that their dad needs to step it up in leading the teens in showing you some empathy. If grandpa has been sick for a while your teens might feel like dying is an end to suffering.
When my FIL died suddenly everyone in our family reacted differently. But what will always stick in my memory is being at the funeral home and my MIL asking me to go talk to my 5 year old because he obviously didn't understand that Pop was gone. 5yr old was playing happily right infront of the casket. When I sat ds down to explain it all again my son looked me in the eyes and told me he did understand. But he also knew that Pop's knees didn't hurt anymore, he was with his parents again and best of all he was with Jesus. I was shocked to hear him say all of this so clearly. I told him I was glad Pop was ok but that everyone else was sad right now and asked him to give me a hug. He gave me a hug and then hugged everyone else too.
Maybe your teens need to be taught how to show you they care. Help them help you. Tell them you are hurting. I hope that will help them grow into more empathetic young adults.
Hugs OP. Losing a parent in hard and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers this week.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry about your dad. It’s terrible to lose a parent. My kids were 8-15 when my mom passed after a long illness. They were sometimes supportive and concerned and other times it was life as usual. Teens are especially self-centered. My kids still cry sometimes when talking about their grandma and I know they definitely loved her. But it was their first real loss and I don’t think they really comprehended the situation at the time. DD - my oldest - cried to me one night towards the end that she simply couldn’t bear to think about losing her grandma. So I think some of what came off as indifference was her actually trying to deal with her own grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you comforting them for the loss of their grandfather? Teenagers aren't mature enough to do what you're asking of them.
What you're asking them to do is rise above their own emotions about death (they don't have a ton of experience yet with death), and role-reverse in order to comfort their own mother when they've never been in this situation before.

Pp has a good idea about having their dad prompt them. But overall, it's still your job as mom to provide support and comfort to them.

Totally agree with this right here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you comforting them for the loss of their grandfather? Teenagers aren't mature enough to do what you're asking of them.
What you're asking them to do is rise above their own emotions about death (they don't have a ton of experience yet with death), and role-reverse in order to comfort their own mother when they've never been in this situation before.

Pp has a good idea about having their dad prompt them. But overall, it's still your job as mom to provide support and comfort to them.

Totally agree with this right here

+100 Their reference is losing a grandparent not you losing your dad. You’re the grown-up here. Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal OP.

I lost both parents in short order. I always warn people that even though you can be surrounded by loved ones it is very lonely. Especially if you have teens.

Hang in there.