Father dying and my children offer no comfort

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I expecting too much. My father is dying. Will be out on hospice soon. My teenage children are not comforting at all and are behaving like their usual teenage selfs. Is this normal? I feel like a failure while at the same time grieving the loss of my dad.

Are they out getting tattoos?

How can you joke? This woman is in pain.

At least she can hope that her kids develope empathy as they mature. It is clearly too late for you.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP.

Remember that your kids don't know what lies ahead (assuming they have not experienced grief), while you do. They are also not losing a parent, unlike you.

Still, kids are selfish/self-centered at that age. They usually have little experience meeting other people's needs. I have felt this disappointment with my college aged kid as well. You are not a failure. They just need time.

Look to your friends and husband or siblings (if you have the latter). They should be more able to support you or at least relate to what you are experiencing. It can't be made easy. And if you need your kids to step up more right now, try to articulate why you need to them to do that. As another poster said, this is one way they will learn how to be there for others in times of trouble.

Hugs, and peace to you and your dad....

[Anonymous]

Op, seeing you sad and upset has likely been unsettling to them. I suspect they are trying to act as normal as possible because they don't know what to do and want their old mom, the rock and who has an answer to everything, back.

You need to step aside and explain it to them. "Guys, I know I've been upset lately because Grandpa is so sick and he's going to die in the next few weeks. It's really hard for me and so I know it's also meant some changes to our house. You can help by giving me a hug occasionally and just being a little more responsible around the house. That would really be comforting to me and I would really appreciate it. Likewise, if you are sad about grandpa, let's talk about it too. This is hard on all of us."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are sad it can be hard to deal with others who do not feel the same grief. I agree that their dad needs to step it up in leading the teens in showing you some empathy. If grandpa has been sick for a while your teens might feel like dying is an end to suffering.
When my FIL died suddenly everyone in our family reacted differently. But what will always stick in my memory is being at the funeral home and my MIL asking me to go talk to my 5 year old because he obviously didn't understand that Pop was gone. 5yr old was playing happily right infront of the casket. When I sat ds down to explain it all again my son looked me in the eyes and told me he did understand. But he also knew that Pop's knees didn't hurt anymore, he was with his parents again and best of all he was with Jesus. I was shocked to hear him say all of this so clearly. I told him I was glad Pop was ok but that everyone else was sad right now and asked him to give me a hug. He gave me a hug and then hugged everyone else too.
Maybe your teens need to be taught how to show you they care. Help them help you. Tell them you are hurting. I hope that will help them grow into more empathetic young adults.
Hugs OP. Losing a parent in hard and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers this week.

Exactly. I felt the same way when my grandparents died. OP, you need to explain to your teens that you are feeling the same sadness they’d feel if you died. That it’s very personal for you. So they need to be respectful of your grief, and your grief could manifest itself over a period of years. They probably don’t know this, and now is a good time to educate them!

[Anonymous]

When my husband was a teen his grandfather died and his mom expected the same thing as you OP — for him to comfort her. When he was thinking, “why didn’t she try to comfort me?” You are the parent here. If you need support it’s for you and your spouse or therapist. Not your kids to provide it.

[Anonymous]

My kids were teenagers when my father died and they loved him dearly but death was a whole new concept for them thus how to handle it was new as well. They definitely gave me space and cut back on their normal teen age demands but they weren’t there to console me. That was my husband’s role.

[Anonymous]

What kind of relationship did you build between your kids and your father over the years?

Did your father live out of state? Did your kids only see your father a couple of times a year on holidays? If so, then it is unreasonable for you to expect your kids to have the same kind of feelings for him that you have (since you grew up with him) or that they have for you. In that case, their lack of "empathy" for a person who is basically a stranger is largely your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, seeing you sad and upset has likely been unsettling to them. I suspect they are trying to act as normal as possible because they don't know what to do and want their old mom, the rock and who has an answer to everything, back.

You need to step aside and explain it to them. "Guys, I know I've been upset lately because Grandpa is so sick and he's going to die in the next few weeks. It's really hard for me and so I know it's also meant some changes to our house. You can help by giving me a hug occasionally and just being a little more responsible around the house. That would really be comforting to me and I would really appreciate it. Likewise, if you are sad about grandpa, let's talk about it too. This is hard on all of us."

This is good. I remember as a (typically self-involved) teenager having my mom heading out the door to visit a dying friend. She told me where she was going and said, "And when I get home, I will be sad."

Yes, I needed to be told. Once I knew, I also knew to give her a hug and make her a cup of tea when she got home, then either stay so she could talk while she drank it or leave her alone to read a novel and recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal OP.

I lost both parents in short order. I always warn people that even though you can be surrounded by loved ones it is very lonely. Especially if you have teens.

Hang in there.

Same. Grieving is a very private and lonely journey. Even my DH needed to be told what I needed at a given moment. There were many sleepless nights where I laid awake thinking about my dad's impending passing. Those were the loneliest nights of my entire life.

Hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you comforting them for the loss of their grandfather? Teenagers aren't mature enough to do what you're asking of them.
What you're asking them to do is rise above their own emotions about death (they don't have a ton of experience yet with death), and role-reverse in order to comfort their own mother when they've never been in this situation before.

Pp has a good idea about having their dad prompt them. But overall, it's still your job as mom to provide support and comfort to them.

Totally agree with this right here

I don't. Mothers are humans, in addition to being caregivers.

She has needs, and a right for her family members to show her some of the nurturing that she has given them for years and years.

Teens are not grown, and cannot be expected to act ideally or understand what she is experiencing. BUT, it is fine for her to expect some of that love to come back to her. She is in fact a good parent, if she instills in kids the notion that giving is not a one way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, seeing you sad and upset has likely been unsettling to them. I suspect they are trying to act as normal as possible because they don't know what to do and want their old mom, the rock and who has an answer to everything, back.

You need to step aside and explain it to them. "Guys, I know I've been upset lately because Grandpa is so sick and he's going to die in the next few weeks. It's really hard for me and so I know it's also meant some changes to our house. You can help by giving me a hug occasionally and just being a little more responsible around the house. That would really be comforting to me and I would really appreciate it. Likewise, if you are sad about grandpa, let's talk about it too. This is hard on all of us."

Excellent advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of relationship did you build between your kids and your father over the years?

Did your father live out of state? Did your kids only see your father a couple of times a year on holidays? If so, then it is unreasonable for you to expect your kids to have the same kind of feelings for him that you have (since you grew up with him) or that they have for you. In that case, their lack of "empathy" for a person who is basically a stranger is largely your fault.

They should have empathy for their mom, not the dying person.

[Anonymous]

What kind of comfort do you want from your teenage children? They are children…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, seeing you sad and upset has likely been unsettling to them. I suspect they are trying to act as normal as possible because they don't know what to do and want their old mom, the rock and who has an answer to everything, back.

You need to step aside and explain it to them. "Guys, I know I've been upset lately because Grandpa is so sick and he's going to die in the next few weeks. It's really hard for me and so I know it's also meant some changes to our house. You can help by giving me a hug occasionally and just being a little more responsible around the house. That would really be comforting to me and I would really appreciate it. Likewise, if you are sad about grandpa, let's talk about it too. This is hard on all of us."

Great advice.

[Anonymous]

How will teens learn to be adults, if you treat them like they are 7?

These kids could be within months of legal adulthood (and already engagedin sexual relationships).

It is a great time to help them start learning that reciprocity is inherent to healthy relationships.