Reply to “Calm down” is it inappropriate?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "“Calm down” is it inappropriate? "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?[/quote]
Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words. [/quote]

Like what?[/quote]

The parent needs to be the example of calm, not tell the child to be calm.

There are two things going on:

1) children (and many adults) often don’t know how to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation comes naturally with maturity and it is also a learned skill. Kids shouldn’t be expected to just be calm without being taught how.

2. Often when somebody says “calm down,” they are escalating the emotional volatility of the situation, putting the onus of deescalation on the person who is already upset. This usually doesn’t work with kids, and when it does, it probably is emotionally unhealthy.

3. If “calm down” isn’t immediately followed by listening and emotional validation, it’s very invalidating. [/quote]

I wouldn't tell my kids to regulate their emotions in a way that I wouldn't tell an adult. That seems cruel, or at best teaches them the wrong lessons. I think it's better to acknowledge that they're really upset and inquire why and go from there.

If the intensity of their emotions is actually getting in the way of addressing the issue, maybe say something like, "I can see how upset you are right now and I want to help, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to talk to you about it. So, maybe we should pause and I can collect my thoughts." In my experience, saying something like that actually calms the person down because they realize that I do want to help and getting that help is more important to them than being all riled up.[/quote]

I’m the immediate PP and I totally agree with all this. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics