When you have siblings over---food question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am usually the family member coming to visit, and it varies. I always suggest eating out or takeout, but sometimes my bro/SIL will cook. I always suggest keeping it easy/casual.

Pretty presumptuous of you. Why don't you host?

Np. What are you talking about? What is this poster being presumptuous about?

NO. Don’t tell your hosts what to do in their own home, with their own time and money. It’s beyond rude.

I’m a good cook, and I make a nice-but-reasonable Thanksgiving meal. I enjoy it and am relaxed about it. MIL always says don’t bother/why bother/just buy that at the store next year. It’s dismissive, patronizing and rude.

NP- Wow. You are taking this way too personally. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how the pp approached the situation. They ‘suggested’ easier options for their SISTER not their boss or some secondary relation. This type of considerate ‘don’t put yourself out for us’ approach is very typical in close families.

Op, similar to others, we often do one meal at home (typically breakfast) then order in or eat out for dinner.

It’s rude. You accepted my hospitality, and now you’re trying to dictate what I do in my own home? No, thanks.

It’s always the non-hosts who do this, too. They feel self-conscious when someone cooks or orders in a nice meal because:
A) They never host (they can’t deal with cleaning or spending money/making effort)
B) They never serve anything good that they made themselves, because they can’t. And even their takeout isn’t good because they don’t want to spend.

Lol. You need to quietly meditate and reflect on what’s important- quality time with family, not judging people’s ability to cook.

You also need to learn the definitions of ‘suggest’ and ‘dictate’.

I’m the pp and host all family events- from 50+ holidays parties, to one in one family dinners. Someone suggesting takeout or catering a larger party or going out to dinner wouldn’t phase me at all as a negative comment- in facts, I’d view it in the opposite- an invitation to lighten my hosting responsibilities because I’m always the host and I’m single so I do it all.

I don’t care what people serve me or how often they host; I do care when they go out of their way to tell me what to do/not to do, with my own time, energy and money, in my own home.

And after a time, yeah, I did notice that it’s the same people who say “Oh, don’t go to any trouble…don’t bother cooking” (while shoveling forkfuls of my food into their mouth at the same time) who are the infrequent/unimpressive hosts.

With your lovely attitude, I’m not surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am usually the family member coming to visit, and it varies. I always suggest eating out or takeout, but sometimes my bro/SIL will cook. I always suggest keeping it easy/casual.

Pretty presumptuous of you. Why don't you host?

Np. What are you talking about? What is this poster being presumptuous about?

NO. Don’t tell your hosts what to do in their own home, with their own time and money. It’s beyond rude.

I’m a good cook, and I make a nice-but-reasonable Thanksgiving meal. I enjoy it and am relaxed about it. MIL always says don’t bother/why bother/just buy that at the store next year. It’s dismissive, patronizing and rude.

Wow, project your own insecurities much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m super close to both of my sisters. We live about 30 minutes from each other. We don’t put that much thought into it. The PP getting so wound up seems mentally unwell. It’s my sisters, ffs. We’ll decide what to eat based on what we are doing. If our entire families are getting together, we have to put a little more thought to it. There are 12 kids (3 of them with spouses) and two grandkids between all of us. We got together yesterday at my house and I just ordered pizza. The kids stayed in the pool most of the time. One of my sisters brought beer/wine. The other brought dessert. Easy.

This. My siblings know that they can come over and I will be happy to feed them and it is always stress free. But they can also feel free to root around in the pantry for snacks if they are hungry or if their kids need something. It's like an extension of the house we grew up in--they can all just make themselves at home.

[Anonymous]

No siblings nearby but other family and close friends. Sometimes I'm in the mood to cook and make a feast. Sometimes it's simple and we grill or make pasta. Sometimes we do takeout. No one is offended either way - I just let them know if I feel like keeping it simple

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am usually the family member coming to visit, and it varies. I always suggest eating out or takeout, but sometimes my bro/SIL will cook. I always suggest keeping it easy/casual.

Pretty presumptuous of you. Why don't you host?

Np. What are you talking about? What is this poster being presumptuous about?

NO. Don’t tell your hosts what to do in their own home, with their own time and money. It’s beyond rude.

I’m a good cook, and I make a nice-but-reasonable Thanksgiving meal. I enjoy it and am relaxed about it. MIL always says don’t bother/why bother/just buy that at the store next year. It’s dismissive, patronizing and rude.

NP- Wow. You are taking this way too personally. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how the pp approached the situation. They ‘suggested’ easier options for their SISTER not their boss or some secondary relation. This type of considerate ‘don’t put yourself out for us’ approach is very typical in close families.

Op, similar to others, we often do one meal at home (typically breakfast) then order in or eat out for dinner.

It’s rude. You accepted my hospitality, and now you’re trying to dictate what I do in my own home? No, thanks.

It’s always the non-hosts who do this, too. They feel self-conscious when someone cooks or orders in a nice meal because:
A) They never host (they can’t deal with cleaning or spending money/making effort)
B) They never serve anything good that they made themselves, because they can’t. And even their takeout isn’t good because they don’t want to spend.

Lol. You need to quietly meditate and reflect on what’s important- quality time with family, not judging people’s ability to cook.

You also need to learn the definitions of ‘suggest’ and ‘dictate’.

I’m the pp and host all family events- from 50+ holidays parties, to one in one family dinners. Someone suggesting takeout or catering a larger party or going out to dinner wouldn’t phase me at all as a negative comment- in facts, I’d view it in the opposite- an invitation to lighten my hosting responsibilities because I’m always the host and I’m single so I do it all.

I don’t care what people serve me or how often they host; I do care when they go out of their way to tell me what to do/not to do, with my own time, energy and money, in my own home.

And after a time, yeah, I did notice that it’s the same people who say “Oh, don’t go to any trouble…don’t bother cooking” (while shoveling forkfuls of my food into their mouth at the same time) who are the infrequent/unimpressive hosts.

Yikes. I am the PP who “usually is the family member coming to visit” (not OP btw). I am not presumptuous, or a freeloader. My bro/SIL in my example (an hour+ away) have a bunch of kids with different activities every season and it’s easier for them - IN THEIR WORDS - if we go to them instead of the other way around. So the onus of driving is always on us, while the onus of hosting is always on them. We’re not usually talking about a holiday meal, just a random get together, but since we make the drive we usually stay the whole day, which means lunch and dinner (and let’s be honest, a bunch of snacks because there are a lot of kids). That’s a lot, hence the suggestion of takeout or something easy for at least one of the meals. If they respond, “we’re going to make X” I say “Great! Can we bring anything?” Or we may bring something we make that they like. If we do takeout, we may split it, or we may pay, or pick up wine/beer or whatever. As I said, it varies based on what everyone wants to do after we COMMUNICATE about it.

For holiday meals with more family, we are also the ones visiting. Because we are lazy and don’t want to host? No. Because we are the only ones who live far away from most of the extended family. We would love to host, but they don’t all want to come to us, so we, again, always make the drive. Since it’s a more formal meal, we ask “What can we bring?” “What can we make?” Or say we’ll pick up beer or whatever. Or contribute toward groceries. We ask the hosts what they prefer.

PP who consistently argues about our presumptuousness: you clearly have a lot of baggage about your guests. Perhaps you should take a break from hosting them at all because you don’t even seem to like them or having them visit you. Getting together is about seeing people whose company you enjoy. The rest is all just details. If you don’t enjoy them, don’t invite them. If you feel like you have no choice because it’s your DH’s family or whatever, then put him in charge. Being as bitter as you are is not worth it. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

^^There’s nothing wrong with 90% of this. But here’s what: They are clearly experienced, flexible and generous hosts who do not need your “suggestion” on what to serve. Do you get it?

They’ve got it down. They frequently host. Clearly. Don’t feel the need to make it seem like you are involved with the actual work of planning and hosting when you are not.

“Thank you for having us again. Is there anything we can bring or do?” Then listen to the answer, and go with whatever they say with a thank you. And you should be bringing a host/hostess gift for the holiday meals/nicer events.

[Anonymous]

My siblings and I cook together. It’s what we like to do together.

Our brother is much younger, and currently a broke college student. He appreciates that we buy the ingredients for the things he wants to cook, but couldn’t otherwise afford. We menu plan and each cook part of the meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^There’s nothing wrong with 90% of this. But here’s what: They are clearly experienced, flexible and generous hosts who do not need your “suggestion” on what to serve. Do you get it?

They’ve got it down. They frequently host. Clearly. Don’t feel the need to make it seem like you are involved with the actual work of planning and hosting when you are not.

“Thank you for having us again. Is there anything we can bring or do?” Then listen to the answer, and go with whatever they say with a thank you. And you should be bringing a host/hostess gift for the holiday meals/nicer events.

Sorry your family visits are so formal, but ours are not. No one is issuing invitations like a queen. We usually start by talking about when to get together again and then we discuss ideas. They may even ASK us for ideas on what to do for dinner *gasp*, which is often when I’ll suggest something easy like takeout. Or perhaps you think I should tell them as hosts they need to come up with dinner themselves? Or if they ask do you think I should tell them what I want them to make? Or should I say “I’ll cook” and then takeover their kitchen? Is that generous because I’m cooking? Or rude because I’m invading their kitchen, even if they’re ok with it? Or maybe I should leave it up to them to say “We don’t feel like cooking so we’re going to do takeout from xyz and we’d like you to pay”? Thankfully we are all very informal and there are not a bunch of rules we need to follow to make sure everyone uptight is getting the amount of appreciation they require for hosting or driving or whatever.

I will agree with you that with less close and/or more formal people, which you apparently are, if someone reaches out to us on their own, and invites us to their home and we accept, then yes, we simply say “We’d love to come! Can we bring anything?” And then we accept their answer and bring a bottle of wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^There’s nothing wrong with 90% of this. But here’s what: They are clearly experienced, flexible and generous hosts who do not need your “suggestion” on what to serve. Do you get it?

They’ve got it down. They frequently host. Clearly. Don’t feel the need to make it seem like you are involved with the actual work of planning and hosting when you are not.

“Thank you for having us again. Is there anything we can bring or do?” Then listen to the answer, and go with whatever they say with a thank you. And you should be bringing a host/hostess gift for the holiday meals/nicer events.

Wow. You seem like a barrel of laughs! It's a wonder you ever have guests at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Combo of both. It varies. We might bake pancakes, eggs and fruit for brunch, then go out for dinner. Or order in dim sum, then grill for dinner. We’re flexible.

How do you bake pancakes?

Not being snarky, I genuinely want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am usually the family member coming to visit, and it varies. I always suggest eating out or takeout, but sometimes my bro/SIL will cook. I always suggest keeping it easy/casual.

Pretty presumptuous of you. Why don't you host?

Np. What are you talking about? What is this poster being presumptuous about?

NO. Don’t tell your hosts what to do in their own home, with their own time and money. It’s beyond rude.

I’m a good cook, and I make a nice-but-reasonable Thanksgiving meal. I enjoy it and am relaxed about it. MIL always says don’t bother/why bother/just buy that at the store next year. It’s dismissive, patronizing and rude.

NP- Wow. You are taking this way too personally. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how the pp approached the situation. They ‘suggested’ easier options for their SISTER not their boss or some secondary relation. This type of considerate ‘don’t put yourself out for us’ approach is very typical in close families.

Op, similar to others, we often do one meal at home (typically breakfast) then order in or eat out for dinner.

It’s rude. You accepted my hospitality, and now you’re trying to dictate what I do in my own home? No, thanks.

It’s always the non-hosts who do this, too. They feel self-conscious when someone cooks or orders in a nice meal because:
A) They never host (they can’t deal with cleaning or spending money/making effort)
B) They never serve anything good that they made themselves, because they can’t. And even their takeout isn’t good because they don’t want to spend.

You are talking about someone specific in your life. OP and PPs are not those people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am usually the family member coming to visit, and it varies. I always suggest eating out or takeout, but sometimes my bro/SIL will cook. I always suggest keeping it easy/casual.

Pretty presumptuous of you. Why don't you host?

Np. What are you talking about? What is this poster being presumptuous about?

NO. Don’t tell your hosts what to do in their own home, with their own time and money. It’s beyond rude.

I’m a good cook, and I make a nice-but-reasonable Thanksgiving meal. I enjoy it and am relaxed about it. MIL always says don’t bother/why bother/just buy that at the store next year. It’s dismissive, patronizing and rude.

NP- Wow. You are taking this way too personally. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how the pp approached the situation. They ‘suggested’ easier options for their SISTER not their boss or some secondary relation. This type of considerate ‘don’t put yourself out for us’ approach is very typical in close families.

Op, similar to others, we often do one meal at home (typically breakfast) then order in or eat out for dinner.

It’s rude. You accepted my hospitality, and now you’re trying to dictate what I do in my own home? No, thanks.

It’s always the non-hosts who do this, too. They feel self-conscious when someone cooks or orders in a nice meal because:
A) They never host (they can’t deal with cleaning or spending money/making effort)
B) They never serve anything good that they made themselves, because they can’t. And even their takeout isn’t good because they don’t want to spend.

Lol. You need to quietly meditate and reflect on what’s important- quality time with family, not judging people’s ability to cook.

You also need to learn the definitions of ‘suggest’ and ‘dictate’.

I’m the pp and host all family events- from 50+ holidays parties, to one in one family dinners. Someone suggesting takeout or catering a larger party or going out to dinner wouldn’t phase me at all as a negative comment- in facts, I’d view it in the opposite- an invitation to lighten my hosting responsibilities because I’m always the host and I’m single so I do it all.

I don’t care what people serve me or how often they host; I do care when they go out of their way to tell me what to do/not to do, with my own time, energy and money, in my own home.

And after a time, yeah, I did notice that it’s the same people who say “Oh, don’t go to any trouble…don’t bother cooking” (while shoveling forkfuls of my food into their mouth at the same time) who are the infrequent/unimpressive hosts.

NP. Yikes this is obviously a sore spot for you and you have a huge chip on your shoulder. I think it's entirely possible that they have picked up on your vibe that you are not hosting and cooking out of enjoyment, and instead you think you are better than them because you cook and host more, and resent and judge them for not doing the same. I'd tell you to not go to the trouble as well as you clearly are resentful about it.

[Anonymous]

Re: baking pancakes I would assume they are talking about a dutch baby or something similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am usually the family member coming to visit, and it varies. I always suggest eating out or takeout, but sometimes my bro/SIL will cook. I always suggest keeping it easy/casual.

Pretty presumptuous of you. Why don't you host?

Np. What are you talking about? What is this poster being presumptuous about?

NO. Don’t tell your hosts what to do in their own home, with their own time and money. It’s beyond rude.

I’m a good cook, and I make a nice-but-reasonable Thanksgiving meal. I enjoy it and am relaxed about it. MIL always says don’t bother/why bother/just buy that at the store next year. It’s dismissive, patronizing and rude.

NP- Wow. You are taking this way too personally. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how the pp approached the situation. They ‘suggested’ easier options for their SISTER not their boss or some secondary relation. This type of considerate ‘don’t put yourself out for us’ approach is very typical in close families.

Op, similar to others, we often do one meal at home (typically breakfast) then order in or eat out for dinner.

It’s rude. You accepted my hospitality, and now you’re trying to dictate what I do in my own home? No, thanks.

It’s always the non-hosts who do this, too. They feel self-conscious when someone cooks or orders in a nice meal because:
A) They never host (they can’t deal with cleaning or spending money/making effort)
B) They never serve anything good that they made themselves, because they can’t. And even their takeout isn’t good because they don’t want to spend.

Lol. You need to quietly meditate and reflect on what’s important- quality time with family, not judging people’s ability to cook.

You also need to learn the definitions of ‘suggest’ and ‘dictate’.

I’m the pp and host all family events- from 50+ holidays parties, to one in one family dinners. Someone suggesting takeout or catering a larger party or going out to dinner wouldn’t phase me at all as a negative comment- in facts, I’d view it in the opposite- an invitation to lighten my hosting responsibilities because I’m always the host and I’m single so I do it all.

I don’t care what people serve me or how often they host; I do care when they go out of their way to tell me what to do/not to do, with my own time, energy and money, in my own home.

And after a time, yeah, I did notice that it’s the same people who say “Oh, don’t go to any trouble…don’t bother cooking” (while shoveling forkfuls of my food into their mouth at the same time) who are the infrequent/unimpressive hosts.

Do you…have any siblings? If so, I can’t imagine how you interact with them, based on this.
I can just see it now: visiting sibling says, “oh, hey, guys, I just realized it’s almost dinner time. Do you feel like getting a pizza?”
PP: How dare you!! Screw you!! Who do you think you are?!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am usually the family member coming to visit, and it varies. I always suggest eating out or takeout, but sometimes my bro/SIL will cook. I always suggest keeping it easy/casual.

Pretty presumptuous of you. Why don't you host?

Np. What are you talking about? What is this poster being presumptuous about?

NO. Don’t tell your hosts what to do in their own home, with their own time and money. It’s beyond rude.

I’m a good cook, and I make a nice-but-reasonable Thanksgiving meal. I enjoy it and am relaxed about it. MIL always says don’t bother/why bother/just buy that at the store next year. It’s dismissive, patronizing and rude.

NP- Wow. You are taking this way too personally. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how the pp approached the situation. They ‘suggested’ easier options for their SISTER not their boss or some secondary relation. This type of considerate ‘don’t put yourself out for us’ approach is very typical in close families.

Op, similar to others, we often do one meal at home (typically breakfast) then order in or eat out for dinner.

It’s rude. You accepted my hospitality, and now you’re trying to dictate what I do in my own home? No, thanks.

It’s always the non-hosts who do this, too. They feel self-conscious when someone cooks or orders in a nice meal because:
A) They never host (they can’t deal with cleaning or spending money/making effort)
B) They never serve anything good that they made themselves, because they can’t. And even their takeout isn’t good because they don’t want to spend.

Lol. You need to quietly meditate and reflect on what’s important- quality time with family, not judging people’s ability to cook.

You also need to learn the definitions of ‘suggest’ and ‘dictate’.

I’m the pp and host all family events- from 50+ holidays parties, to one in one family dinners. Someone suggesting takeout or catering a larger party or going out to dinner wouldn’t phase me at all as a negative comment- in facts, I’d view it in the opposite- an invitation to lighten my hosting responsibilities because I’m always the host and I’m single so I do it all.

I don’t care what people serve me or how often they host; I do care when they go out of their way to tell me what to do/not to do, with my own time, energy and money, in my own home.

And after a time, yeah, I did notice that it’s the same people who say “Oh, don’t go to any trouble…don’t bother cooking” (while shoveling forkfuls of my food into their mouth at the same time) who are the infrequent/unimpressive hosts.

Just order a 🍕 pizza😁. Everyone would be much happier!