I want to be the closest person to DC
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Anonymous
No, PP. Emotionally mature and psychologically sound women do NOT have that worry. It doesn’t even begin to make sense. |
Anonymous
| This concern is like when people are expecting their second child and they wonder if they could possibly love their second as much as their first, and then, of course, they do and they end up feeling like their concern was ridiculous. It’s normal to have thoughts like these, but that doesn’t mean that they’re warranted. |
Anonymous
But do you remember why? Was it a 7 AM to 7 PM situation? Who took care of you on weekends or picked you up at school? Who cuddled you at night, and knew your favorite birthday cake flavor and made sure you had meaningful things to do when you were too young to generate that for yourself? |
Anonymous
| Why are you buying into the myth that a nanny raises your child? Of course you will still be the closest person to your child, even if she is with a nanny for a few hours a day. |
Anonymous
| She’s buying in because that’s how she felt as a child raised by nannies. I know we all fear this as moms. My kids are seven and nine and we’ve had the same nanny for the nine years. However, I of course feared this too. I just told myself we’d try it and it was a decision we could always reverse. What was harder to reverse was quitting my job and then trying to get it back. Anyway, it’s worked amazingly well for us. My friends similarly. I had one who slipped a bit into the nanny taking on too much of a role - she had the nanny for twelve hours a day, the nanny bought the clothes, made all meals, scheduled all activities, didn’t report in on where they were going or what they were doing. She reigned that in and shifted and they eventually switched to an au pair. My husband and I work long hours but we’ve always made sure one parent does school drop off and at least one parent is home for dinner. We also try to hit a few field trips a year as chaperones. Weekends are all us unless we get a sitter so we can go out to dinner. We also prioritize family vacations and the only help we might have with us are grandparents sometimes. Anyway, I think you can do it, but also realize it’s a decision you can always shift if it feels like it’s not working. It’s not a permanent decision. I also schedule all activities and extra curriculars - I give our nanny a typed schedule - she does handle grocery shopping, laundry, etc. |
Anonymous
I think I felt that way at one point. You get over it once the less desirable parts of the personality emerge, haha! It’s probably just the hormones. Get some minimal help if you can now so you get used to it. I promise you will want to re-engage in self care soon enough and that’s much easier if you have some help. 
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Anonymous
| Nanny here. I have worked for 5 families over 15 years. There is only one family where I was the primary attachment figure and those parents have a LOT of childcare. I started when the baby was born and have worked 55-75 hours every week since (sometimes more). I am the first person they see in the morning and I hand them back to the parents 15 minute before bedtime. On weekends the kids spend Friday night-10am Saturday with grandparents, then spend 2pm-bedtime with another sitter, then I work Sunday morning from wakeup until after breakfast. Then Sunday is “family day” from 9am-bedtime. For other families where I worked a normal schedule and weekends and evenings were spent parenting, the kids bonded just fine with their parents and I was just another loving figure. |
Anonymous
| Can't say I've ever felt like that myself; sounds like torture. |
Anonymous
| I’m just glad my kid feels loved by so many people. |
Anonymous
They aren't and will never be the primary attachment. We used nannies for a while - and I loved that my kids loved them. But there was never a question that we were their parents. I never once felt insecure about that nor did their behavior reflect it. Regardless, you sound very nervous about parenting and I mean that without criticism. Having kids brings up all sorts of issues for people. But I think your reaction here is a signal that it might be something to explore. |
Anonymous
| OP, I also worried about this and it's one of the reasons I was inclined toward choosing a daycare over a nanny. That being said, PPs are right that if you participate fully in parenting, your kids will not end up with a primary attachment to anyone but you. Good luck with your decision! |
Anonymous
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OP, I think it's normal to feel this way at this point, but I agree with PPs that if you hire a nanny, you will quickly realize that she cannot replace the bond you have with your baby. Especially now -- your baby is very firmly attached to you at this point, I have no doubt. You will be their primary attachment for many years now.
I became a SAHM in part because we could not afford a nanny or good quality daycare. I loved the years with my DC, but I wound up with the opposite problem -- I was eager for my DC to develop a strong attachment to my spouse and to teachers and other caregivers, because it is REALLY hard to be someone's whole world. Because I spent so much time with DC, we had to be really intentional about creating opportunities for DH to have solo parenting time so that DC could have more of a bond with him. And it was a relief when DC started forming attachments to PK teachers. It would have been nice to have family nearby, too, for that reason. Enjoy this phase while it lasts, but as your child gets older, he will need more than just you have to give (and you will need more space and time for yourself). Don't cut off those avenues -- you will need them. |
Anonymous
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Contrary to what other PPs have insinuated, almost everyone has something to sort out in terms of their childhood and unresolved issues. So I am suggesting therapy, but not because I am a jerk or because I think you are a jerk. But because it can be very helpful.
Example: my dad had serious rage issues so a lot of my parenting was based on the number one goal being not to ever lose my shit the way he did in the regular. But the problem was, every time I experienced any kind of anger or said something like “ok guys knock it off” I was WRACKED by guilt. I needed to adjust this mindset to be a better parent (and happier human) because obviously anger is part of the human experience. Similarly in your post, I’m feeling your fear about your childhood. I’m seeing what you want NOT to happen more than I’m seeing what you want TO happen. I think a therapist could help you feel more secure. It might help to articulate a few goals, feelings, and fears with someone impartial and supportive. |
Anonymous
| OP, I've had (excellent) daycare providers and nannies for my two kids and they loved them all, but they're securely bonded to me and my H, as is the case among every working parent I know. In fact, I love it that they feel loved by people outside ourselves. |
Anonymous
+1. I had a nanny growing up, but I also had loving relationships with my parents, so have no qualms about employing one for my children. The more (stable childcare providers) the merrier, IMO. That includes weeks with grandparents, and weekends with aunts/uncles. It will be good for you to talk to a therapist and realize it’s not an either/or situation, OP. You don’t have to quit your job in order to have a secure attachment with your child. Of course if you want to quit, go ahead, but be honest about why. |