Feeling guilty about dropping ball on family vacation

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in your place and felt really bad about it for several weeks. At some point, I realized I was making myself miserable for no reason. Nobody blamed me and this isn't the last chance we're going to have to vacation together. Feeling guilty was just a waste of time and made everyone else feel bad too. So, instead of getting stuck looking backwards, I started to put together some other travel plans, mostly going to see family members where they live. So, DH, my youngest DD and I will go to Maine to visit my cousin and her family for a long weekend next month. Then, in September, after our kids go back to college, DH and I will go to California to see my sister and her family. And, I'm planning an extended-family ski trip for the week between Christmas and New Year's. Of course COVID might derail our plans -- but that's always a possibility with travel planned far ahead of time -- so I'm not going to worry about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why kids can’t “just hang out” for a week, especially when there’s a few day trips mixed in. I mean, take a couple new Lego sets or jigsaw puzzles along, make sure there are outdoor toys like balls and splash pads, rent family movies from the local library. I can’t believe you literally can’t spend a week with your family without a pool.

OP here - I updated last week:

Update for anyone who cares:

I thought this trip was dead and then Colorado was suggested. So I took a look at the place and flights and was ready to book when my brother (again) found all these supposed negative reviews and killed it again. So it is now dead dead and I'm irritated just because the whole thing was a huge waste of time.

My parents will come out in October. A separate vacation of just my kids and I was not suggested.

As far as the pool, talk to my brother. That was his requirement - among other things, apparently. He told my parents that he's at the point that he wants to spend the money to do something really nice when he vacations. He's over staying at Best Westerns or the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why kids can’t “just hang out” for a week, especially when there’s a few day trips mixed in. I mean, take a couple new Lego sets or jigsaw puzzles along, make sure there are outdoor toys like balls and splash pads, rent family movies from the local library. I can’t believe you literally can’t spend a week with your family without a pool.

OP here - I updated last week:

Update for anyone who cares:

I thought this trip was dead and then Colorado was suggested. So I took a look at the place and flights and was ready to book when my brother (again) found all these supposed negative reviews and killed it again. So it is now dead dead and I'm irritated just because the whole thing was a huge waste of time.

My parents will come out in October. A separate vacation of just my kids and I was not suggested.

As far as the pool, talk to my brother. That was his requirement - among other things, apparently. He told my parents that he's at the point that he wants to spend the money to do something really nice when he vacations. He's over staying at Best Westerns or the like.

I don’t blame your brother. I’m not wasting vacation time, effort and money to stay at an icky Best Western. If I’m going to vacation, I’m going to vacation, not endure garbage “hotels” in boring places.

[Anonymous]

Go in august to your parents and find nice things to do there instead of hanging out at the pool?

Who is usually tons of stuff for kids to do if you’re willing to spend the money.

Not going because the community pool is closed seems weird to me. Where do your parents live generally speaking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update for anyone who cares:

I thought this trip was dead and then Colorado was suggested. So I took a look at the place and flights and was ready to book when my brother (again) found all these supposed negative reviews and killed it again. So it is now dead dead and I'm irritated just because the whole thing was a huge waste of time.

My parents will come out in October. A separate vacation of just my kids and I was not suggested.

Your brother sounds like a real prima donna/male Karen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why kids can’t “just hang out” for a week, especially when there’s a few day trips mixed in. I mean, take a couple new Lego sets or jigsaw puzzles along, make sure there are outdoor toys like balls and splash pads, rent family movies from the local library. I can’t believe you literally can’t spend a week with your family without a pool.

OP here - I updated last week:

Update for anyone who cares:

I thought this trip was dead and then Colorado was suggested. So I took a look at the place and flights and was ready to book when my brother (again) found all these supposed negative reviews and killed it again. So it is now dead dead and I'm irritated just because the whole thing was a huge waste of time.

My parents will come out in October. A separate vacation of just my kids and I was not suggested.

As far as the pool, talk to my brother. That was his requirement - among other things, apparently. He told my parents that he's at the point that he wants to spend the money to do something really nice when he vacations. He's over staying at Best Westerns or the like.

I don’t blame your brother. I’m not wasting vacation time, effort and money to stay at an icky Best Western. If I’m going to vacation, I’m going to vacation, not endure garbage “hotels” in boring places.

Presumably you would be willing to do the research on finding a place that's suitable for everyone vs making a relative do all the research and then vetoing everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why kids can’t “just hang out” for a week, especially when there’s a few day trips mixed in. I mean, take a couple new Lego sets or jigsaw puzzles along, make sure there are outdoor toys like balls and splash pads, rent family movies from the local library. I can’t believe you literally can’t spend a week with your family without a pool.

OP here - I updated last week:

Update for anyone who cares:

I thought this trip was dead and then Colorado was suggested. So I took a look at the place and flights and was ready to book when my brother (again) found all these supposed negative reviews and killed it again. So it is now dead dead and I'm irritated just because the whole thing was a huge waste of time.

My parents will come out in October. A separate vacation of just my kids and I was not suggested.

As far as the pool, talk to my brother. That was his requirement - among other things, apparently. He told my parents that he's at the point that he wants to spend the money to do something really nice when he vacations. He's over staying at Best Westerns or the like.

I don’t blame your brother. I’m not wasting vacation time, effort and money to stay at an icky Best Western. If I’m going to vacation, I’m going to vacation, not endure garbage “hotels” in boring places.

Presumably you would be willing to do the research on finding a place that's suitable for everyone vs making a relative do all the research and then vetoing everything

Yes, I would. I would do research and be honest and up front with everyone. I wouldn’t keep people guessing or waiting.

But that said, if someone is showing you that they aren’t interested or engaged in a shared vacation? Move on. Move on with your life and stop pretending like they’re going to engage in the way you want them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go in august to your parents and find nice things to do there instead of hanging out at the pool?

Who is usually tons of stuff for kids to do if you’re willing to spend the money.

Not going because the community pool is closed seems weird to me. Where do your parents live generally speaking?

OP here - I get why people don't get this. It's partly because this has been a tradition (oldest cousin is 14, youngest is 6) so the pool is something everyone can do between hanging out and the like.

I think some of you have hit on what's going on even before I did - it's not the trip or location - it's the family dynamic. It's changed and I'm having a really hard time navigating that. Or a more accurate description might be that I've always been the one to go the extra mile to make things happen, and maybe now I've realized that I was the one doing that.

Gotta admit that one thing that sticks in my craw is that when the whole plan got revived I then had to say I might have limits or not be able to travel because of asking for leave at work. My mom then asked if I'd be offended if they went with my brother and his kids. I said ok but wanted to make it work. Then he tanked it and literally zero interest in planning this trip if it didn't include him.

I am turning 50 this year and I feel like a stupid 7th grader with all of this.

[Anonymous]

So, OP, do you sense that your parents prioritize or favor your brother? I doubt that’s the case. More likely is they know he’s more particular and difficult and they’ve spent a lifetime trying to please and accommodate him while you’ve been the agreeable, flexible child, so your feelings and needs come second. I’m sure it’s not a conscious thing. But if you think this is the case, speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feel guilty; why do you have to do all of the planning?

Because OP is the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just bag it. My rule with my spouse is that if he doesn't like my suggestions, he can do his own research and I'll consider his suggestions. I'm not going to do all the legwork while he gets veto power. I would apply the same rule to others.

So weird. My spouse gives me full reign to book and plan vacations. They do all the packing so it’s not laziness but when someone has a job you give them full reign.

[Anonymous]

It’s really hard to find a good place to rent this year because it’s insane. The best places are booked months in advance.

Just let it go and wait.

We ended up going to a hotel because we couldn’t find a house rental we liked on a short notice and it was disappointing and not worth the money spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go in august to your parents and find nice things to do there instead of hanging out at the pool?

Who is usually tons of stuff for kids to do if you’re willing to spend the money.

Not going because the community pool is closed seems weird to me. Where do your parents live generally speaking?

OP here - I get why people don't get this. It's partly because this has been a tradition (oldest cousin is 14, youngest is 6) so the pool is something everyone can do between hanging out and the like.

I think some of you have hit on what's going on even before I did - it's not the trip or location - it's the family dynamic. It's changed and I'm having a really hard time navigating that. Or a more accurate description might be that I've always been the one to go the extra mile to make things happen, and maybe now I've realized that I was the one doing that.

Gotta admit that one thing that sticks in my craw is that when the whole plan got revived I then had to say I might have limits or not be able to travel because of asking for leave at work. My mom then asked if I'd be offended if they went with my brother and his kids. I said ok but wanted to make it work. Then he tanked it and literally zero interest in planning this trip if it didn't include him.

I am turning 50 this year and I feel like a stupid 7th grader with all of this.

I think your brother, and entire family, are far to used to letting you do all the legwork. That needs to stop. But, two points:

- I agree with your brother that I'd prefer not to spend a lot of money on a mediocre vacation.
- Why on earth would he plan a vacation that didn't include him? Is he a travel agent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go in august to your parents and find nice things to do there instead of hanging out at the pool?

Who is usually tons of stuff for kids to do if you’re willing to spend the money.

Not going because the community pool is closed seems weird to me. Where do your parents live generally speaking?

OP here - I get why people don't get this. It's partly because this has been a tradition (oldest cousin is 14, youngest is 6) so the pool is something everyone can do between hanging out and the like.

I think some of you have hit on what's going on even before I did - it's not the trip or location - it's the family dynamic. It's changed and I'm having a really hard time navigating that. Or a more accurate description might be that I've always been the one to go the extra mile to make things happen, and maybe now I've realized that I was the one doing that.

Gotta admit that one thing that sticks in my craw is that when the whole plan got revived I then had to say I might have limits or not be able to travel because of asking for leave at work. My mom then asked if I'd be offended if they went with my brother and his kids. I said ok but wanted to make it work. Then he tanked it and literally zero interest in planning this trip if it didn't include him.

I am turning 50 this year and I feel like a stupid 7th grader with all of this.

…why would your brother have any interest, at all, in a vacation that doesn’t include him?! He’s not a travel agent, as someone else mentioned. My parents go with my sister and her family to grandparents’ camp in my sister’s state every year. Have fun. Like, why would I help plan that?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just bag it. My rule with my spouse is that if he doesn't like my suggestions, he can do his own research and I'll consider his suggestions. I'm not going to do all the legwork while he gets veto power. I would apply the same rule to others.

So weird. My spouse gives me full reign to book and plan vacations. They do all the packing so it’s not laziness but when someone has a job you give them full reign.

FREE REIN.

Reign = a ruler leads his or her people.

Free REIN = a rider gives the horse room to go wherever it pleases, at its own pace, because the rider slacks the horses REINS instead of holding them tightly for control.