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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She’s stoic and cold because as the child of an alcoholic, she has learned to hide difficult things and difficult emotions in order to stay safe.

While yes, your illness is about you, it may also made her feel sad or scared FOR you, and she doesn’t know how to process those feelings with you, if at all. She may feel irrationally that by you asking about her medical history, that you are implying it’s her fault - and even if you don’t feel that way, she likely does to some degree, because CoAs often internalize things and feel guilty /take the blame, even if there is no blame.

So yes, she’s “stunted”, because all the behaviours that allowed her to live under the roof she had to live under, and to achieve some semblance of feeling loved are now maladaptive and no longer serving her survival.

I’m sorry you’re ill OP, it must be a very scary time. This doesn’t mean that your mother doesn’t love you - in fact, she loves you very much. But, she is likely trapped in a lot of fear that she’s never been able to deal with, and unfortunately, those stoic, stony silences are the only way she can get through without feeling like she’s crazy or overwhelmed.m[/quote]

I think the generic word for this is egocentric. Really fragile people with histories of great deprivation (and no treatment) are so deeply insecure and lacking in core ego strengths that virtually anything can be perceived as a threat and they immediately and unconsciously defend. They are not functioning at a higher level of maturity, whete you see openness to experience, curiosity, empathy, an understanding that people are different, a sense of being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes, flexibility, emotional sensitivity and depth. They are largely at an earlier level where there is more paranoia, and a preoccupation with survival basically. They live in a depriving inner world and they just don't have it to give and they often cannot share. It is very sad. It is not you. Build your own rich world, work on yourself and connect with people who get it. Grieve your mother's limitations  of course...it is very tragic. But then focus on building  connections with healthier people. And keep becoming healthier yourself.. you can do it. You are not your mom..Good luck to you.[/quote]

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