What’s the best way to handle relationship if you don’t like MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep it civil and short. DH drives the plans and I give input. I do not get in the way of kids calling, FaceTime, etc, but I also don’t need to be involved. If I get asked about upcoming plans or visits, a simple, ‘I’ll discuss with DH and he will get back to you’ solves the problem.

But I wouldn’t say that I will discuss with DH. That gives them the opportunity to blame you if they don’t like the outcome. Say something like, “You’ll have to ask Larlo.” Or “Larlo, can you come over here? Your mom has a question for you.” Don’t give them more ammo to blame you for not making the plans they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep it civil and short. DH drives the plans and I give input. I do not get in the way of kids calling, FaceTime, etc, but I also don’t need to be involved. If I get asked about upcoming plans or visits, a simple, ‘I’ll discuss with DH and he will get back to you’ solves the problem.

But I wouldn’t say that I will discuss with DH. That gives them the opportunity to blame you if they don’t like the outcome. Say something like, “You’ll have to ask Larlo.” Or “Larlo, can you come over here? Your mom has a question for you.” Don’t give them more ammo to blame you for not making the plans they want.

DP, but I don't think about it this way. If my MIL wants to blame me for her not getting everything she wants, then (1) she's going to do it no matter what I do because that's the narrative that makes her feel best, and (2) it doesn't impact me whatsoever.

There's no such thing as "ammo" because what's she going to do with it? My DH and I have a strong, happy marriage, and he knows his mom is a lot. It costs me nothing to just be pleasant with her because she has zero power over me. Plus, the ruder or more controlling she is, the less my DH wants to be around her, and thus it costs her time with her grandchild without me saying anything (in fact, at this point I'm much more likely to be the one suggesting we visit her or stay for a longer visit while my DH says he doesn't want to because of her shenanigans, simply because I don't want to deprive my DD of these limited years with one of her only living grandparents). If she wants to blame me for that because it makes her feel better, that's fine. I'm seriously indifferent. It makes it so much easier.

[Anonymous]

She hates you too.

[Anonymous]

I try to come from a place of compassion and remind myself that MIL is jealous* of opportunities I have, and that I live a much happier lower-stress lifestyle than she did when she was at the stage I'm at, and no matter what, I stay classy.

*MIL makes passive-aggressive comments about that we have a full time nanny, that we have cleaning people twice a week, that we hire a decorator when redoing rooms in our home, etc. She will say things like, "I felt it was important that the kids see ME cleaning." But DH has told me that she really only ever cleaned the kitchen counters, sink and table and he never once saw her dust or vacuum and he and his sister had a ton of cleaning chores. MIL will say "I think it's important to impart your own values on your children instead of someone else's." But DH has told me that every day when he walked home from elementary school she was asleep on the couch and there was a note telling him what chores to do and when to wake her up (before his dad got home). So she views herself as having been this wonderful SAHM, but her kids don't view her that way at all. Plus, when DH and SIL talk about their childhoods, they talk about how miserable they were, how much yelling and punishing there was, and how it was so depressing. Dh and I have a happy home with lots of warmth and laughter and our kids enjoy spending time with us. I hope to continue that throughout their childhoods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She hates you too.

She can hate me all she wants, but I’ve got the ultimate trump card - her only grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep it civil and short. DH drives the plans and I give input. I do not get in the way of kids calling, FaceTime, etc, but I also don’t need to be involved. If I get asked about upcoming plans or visits, a simple, ‘I’ll discuss with DH and he will get back to you’ solves the problem.

But I wouldn’t say that I will discuss with DH. That gives them the opportunity to blame you if they don’t like the outcome. Say something like, “You’ll have to ask Larlo.” Or “Larlo, can you come over here? Your mom has a question for you.” Don’t give them more ammo to blame you for not making the plans they want.

DP, but I don't think about it this way. If my MIL wants to blame me for her not getting everything she wants, then (1) she's going to do it no matter what I do because that's the narrative that makes her feel best, and (2) it doesn't impact me whatsoever.

There's no such thing as "ammo" because what's she going to do with it? My DH and I have a strong, happy marriage, and he knows his mom is a lot. It costs me nothing to just be pleasant with her because she has zero power over me. Plus, the ruder or more controlling she is, the less my DH wants to be around her, and thus it costs her time with her grandchild without me saying anything (in fact, at this point I'm much more likely to be the one suggesting we visit her or stay for a longer visit while my DH says he doesn't want to because of her shenanigans, simply because I don't want to deprive my DD of these limited years with one of her only living grandparents). If she wants to blame me for that because it makes her feel better, that's fine. I'm seriously indifferent. It makes it so much easier.

DP. Wish I could think like you. I feel my mil has some power over me when she doesn’t. She is great at manipulating and pressurizing us into doing what she wants..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be cordial and keep your mouth shut. Don’t be fake or mean or confrontational. Cordial. Kind. Stay classsssaaay.

+11111!!!

Your husband/wife will not appreciate your commentary. It will put them in a really tough position and they'll probably end up defending their mom against you. Please do not say anything to MIL. Just try to avoid 1:1 situations if she's mean to you in those types of situations. This is just part of life.