What’s the best way to handle relationship if you don’t like MIL?

[Anonymous]

I keep it civil and short. DH drives the plans and I give input. I do not get in the way of kids calling, FaceTime, etc, but I also don’t need to be involved. If I get asked about upcoming plans or visits, a simple, ‘I’ll discuss with DH and he will get back to you’ solves the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep it civil and short. DH drives the plans and I give input. I do not get in the way of kids calling, FaceTime, etc, but I also don’t need to be involved. If I get asked about upcoming plans or visits, a simple, ‘I’ll discuss with DH and he will get back to you’ solves the problem.

Same as PP. This works. Keep it simple, I don’t get in the way of kids and DH connecting but I don’t tire myself trying to make her/my relationship better because it just isn’t going to change. The ability to accept her for who she is allowed me to change my expectations and just have a simpler response. I stopped wasting energy and instead put energy to making it easy. My attitude about her became more positive in the long run which makes the situation better for me and everyone.

It does make me wonder 1. how there can be so many difficult MILs out there? and 2. How do I make sure not to become one myself?

[Anonymous]

I agree with previous 2 posters. You are setting am example for your children, so do it right: kind, polite, beyond just civil. Treat her as you would want to be treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, it’s just hard because she’s a nut job.

Limit alone time and gray rock depending on the crazy.

+1

My MIL has early dementia, and can be confrontational/argumentative. At first, I was shocked - but then I noticed that other people around her don't react when she snaps, so I just ignored it, don't take it personally, and move on. Don't take the bait, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep it civil and short. DH drives the plans and I give input. I do not get in the way of kids calling, FaceTime, etc, but I also don’t need to be involved. If I get asked about upcoming plans or visits, a simple, ‘I’ll discuss with DH and he will get back to you’ solves the problem.

Same as PP. This works. Keep it simple, I don’t get in the way of kids and DH connecting but I don’t tire myself trying to make her/my relationship better because it just isn’t going to change. The ability to accept her for who she is allowed me to change my expectations and just have a simpler response. I stopped wasting energy and instead put energy to making it easy. My attitude about her became more positive in the long run which makes the situation better for me and everyone.

It does make me wonder 1. how there can be so many difficult MILs out there? and 2. How do I make sure not to become one myself?

+1

For sure. I think this generation of negative MIL's (though, it has always been a stereotype, which stems from somewhere, after all) comes from the DILs seemingly having VERY different lives. I think some MILs take that personally, instead of being positive and supportive.

[Anonymous]

I am friendly and polite, but it stops there.

[Anonymous]

OP, stop getting interpersonal relationship advice from the Real Housewives. Your MIL is not interested in hearing what you really think of her. Please take the sane feedback of those suggesting you remain pleasant, no matter how wacky MIL might be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her know + define relationship or basically just avoid discussing it with her and just be cordial and let DH drive the relationship and amount of time we spend with her (he’s not a planner so it won’t be much).

The second one, OP.

No adult should ever declare that "WHAAAAAA! I don't LIKE her!" because grown adults know better.

Just be polite. Act like you have good parents who taught you better, than to be a petulant child.

DH can decide how much time he spends with MIL - which, if she is totally inappropriate, won't be that much time, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others civil and short. Pretend she’s the crazy homeless lady yelling at the trees. Smile and walk on by.

Do not feel obligated to pick up the planning slack from your husband. If he doesn’t make an effort then that’s the way it is. You aren’t obligated to step in and make sure everything is equal between her and other family members.

[Anonymous]

I put my husband in charge of the relationship with his family and support what he wants to do with them— spoilers, it’s not much.

I do a lot of the “you will need to talk to DH about that/let’s call DH in here so you can repeat that to him/I don’t know you’ll need to ask DH”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let her know . . .

I cannot imagine telling my spouse's mother that I don't like her. It's true, but my spouse loves her and it's important to my spouse that they get to see her and that I am involved. If I had ever told my MIL that I didn't like her, I am not sure my marriage would have survived between the disrespect for both my MIL and spouse and the hurt that my spouse would feel that I expressed this.

She knows already and PP, I don't believe you have a toxic and abusive MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, it’s just hard because she’s a nut job.

My MIL is very very very nuts. I find it easier when I vent to a couple of my closest friends. Because she’s so crazy, the antics tend to be funny, which helps me deal or even appreciate it all in a “what will she do next” sort of way.

My friends and I play inlaw Bingo sometimes when we're all going to see our inlaws during the same time period.

+1

Yes! us too! It makes things well, almost bearable.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has undermined me, plays favorites, gossips, ruined surprises/can’t keep secrets, tells my teen DC that “your mom doesn’t like me,” is rude and openly critical, is jealous, intrusive, narcissist and self-involved and…local.

I remain cooly “professional” around MIL; I will treat her respectfully, be polite and friendly, listen quietly to her stories, be unobtrusive. I don’t start conversations with her. I’ve gone gray rock. I don’t call her -ever - and because she is all over Facebook, I have zero social media presence. I don’t initiate visits. DH can hang with his mom, call her, provide updates, but I won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you deal when you don't like a neighbor? You avoid as long as it's not obvious. You keep conversation very much on the surface, not revealing much. You try to be pleasant and not be fake-nice, but you should feel free to excuse yourself whenever you can. If there's some decision, and your input is needed, you do so being reasonable and efficient. DH handles all communication that he possibly can since he is the more logical contact person. You do not remind and elaborate on your negative thoughts to your husband. This is his parent. You honor your spouse by not bad mouthing his family - especially to him. That's just hurtful.

This. Be courteous and hospitable. There is nothing more to it. You do not have to have a very close emotional relationship with her but you must be respectful to the extent you are respectful to the elderly, and respectful to someone your spouse cares for.

[Anonymous]

I mean if she is a nut job, how are you going to stay cordial and let it slide? If she is a nut job she will seek drama, thrive on it, and blame you for it.
You might have the best intentions but what will it matter if she is nuts?