Why does everyone say their third was an accident?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s often a definitional issue. To some people, an “accident” or “oops” means, “we weren’t *trying* but we weren’t using BC either.” I think that’s lame in this day and age. If you weren’t using BC and using it properly, it’s not an oops.

If you were hoping to avoid pregnancy, and got pregnant, it's an oops, even if you weren't using BC entirely properly.

Many of the available BC methods have reduced effectiveness when certain corners are cut. And cutting those corners can be very tempting in the moment when the risk seems low and remote. DH and I weren't 100% perfect in our BC use during dating or marriage, but we've been lucky and never had an accidental pregnancy. If our luck had gone the other way, I would definitely consider it an oops.

Yeah, I hear you, and I do think that's how most people use the term. And I know how it goes in the heat of the moment. But to me, it's like, if my teenage kid came home and said he had "accidentally" gotten a girl pregnant, and I said, "were you using BC?" and he said, "no, not that time," it's not an accident. Like getting hurt in a car crash because you "accidentally" didn't put your seatbelt on. The outcome may not be desired or intended -- it may be "unplanned" -- but it's not really an "oops," either.

[Anonymous]

In our case, we wanted a third, but time was never right... my husband was getting older (I was still young by DCUM standards). We got drunk one night without the kids and bam. Pregnant... we wanted the baby, but we did not have sex trying to get pregnant... I usually say it was a happy accident and I try to be ironic about it. He is our only boy and the best surprise we ever had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our case, we wanted a third, but time was never right... my husband was getting older (I was still young by DCUM standards). We got drunk one night without the kids and bam. Pregnant... we wanted the baby, but we did not have sex trying to get pregnant... I usually say it was a happy accident and I try to be ironic about it. He is our only boy and the best surprise we ever had.

Same, minus the drunk. Just a little bit careless once and it happened. We didn't intentionally set out to get pregnant, but we weren't hard core preventing either. We would have been happy with two, but our third is great too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the odds are high that a baby was unexpected when it comes after a large gap to a woman in her 40's.

One friend of ours had a fourth after a 16 year gap. My friend's mom had a sixth kid after a 13 year gap. Less extreme, an acquaintance had a fourth after a 7 year gap. I get the impression they were all loved and wanted after the parents realized the pregnancies, but I am also pretty sure they came as surprises.

I was a third, more than a decade after my siblings. Parents in their 40s had long given up trying for a third, assuming it could no longer happen at that point.

What's really always blown my mind is the number of grown adults who felt compelled to blurt out to me, as a kid, that I was clearly an accident when they heard how old my siblings were.

Think before you speak, people.

[Anonymous]

Because they are. Nature is clever.

[Anonymous]

I always joke that our fourth was an accident (tried for a third, got twins for our efforts! Lol).

[Anonymous]

Our third was 100% intentional.

[Anonymous]

My 3rd was an oops baby. And no, I’m not embarrassed in any way for having more than 2 children.

[Anonymous]

Pregnant with #4 + 2 miscarriages. All very intentional. This reminds me of how it bugs me when someone gives birth and says (posts on social media!) "this baby completes our family" or "now our family is complete." What if you change your mind or accidentally get pregnant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really understand how married people every have "accidents". Like once you're married, and especially once you've had a kid or two, you obviously know what the deal is. I know some people will say "Oh we thought I couldn't conceive" but as someone who is very clear about not wanting more children, this is not a risk I would ever, ever take.

I think sometimes people are defensive about having 3+ kids because it's increasingly uncommon. So I think they say "oh, Larlo was an accident!" so it sounds like it just happened and it can deflect from uncomfortable questions.

But saying you had a third kid "by accident" makes me [silently] judge you more. If you want a big family, own it. As long as you love and care for your kids, why would matter to me? But acting like any of your kids are a burden or that your family is anything other than intentional makes me wonder if you treat your kids that way, too. I had parents who treated me like an accident they semi regretted and it sucked.

I completely agree with this. Either you're preventing pregnancy or you're not. Especially once you're in your 40s with kids. It bugs me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3rd was an oops baby. And no, I’m not embarrassed in any way for having more than 2 children.

How do you have an oops baby after already having kids? It's not like you're 13. I genuinely wonder this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because when you’re in your early 40’s and your always-reliable cycle starts being way shorter or way longer because of perimenopause, accidents happen.

And before you ask, we’re not on hormonal birth control because of the increased risk of cancer.

You know there’s non-hormonal bc right?

I’ve noticed this too. It’s like these successful bright women have suddenly forgotten everything they learned in sex Ed. It’s fine to want a third! And if not prevent it! I’d be very interested to hear from someone who admits that they lie about it being an accident and why they do so.

Yep, and after thoroughly researching IUDs and all the side effects, it was a hard pass.

What are the side effects of carrying a baby to term into your 40s?

Good grief. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

I can see how it some circles you wouldn't want to admit you wanted a third child. If you look at nytimes comments on baby articles for example, the prevailing wisdom is that 3 kids is a crime against the planet.

Also, I think some people live for 30+ thinking they're not really kid people/only want 2 kids, and then they're surprised when they want a bigger family. I think there's an element of denial.

[Anonymous]

I think some of this is due to terminology. I know many people who don't consider themselves to be "trying" when they're not actively monitoring fertile windows, etc. IMO, if you are not using birth control every time, you are "trying." So they'll say their pregnancy was a surprise, but really how surprising is it if you're having unprotected sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the odds are high that a baby was unexpected when it comes after a large gap to a woman in her 40's.

One friend of ours had a fourth after a 16 year gap. My friend's mom had a sixth kid after a 13 year gap. Less extreme, an acquaintance had a fourth after a 7 year gap. I get the impression they were all loved and wanted after the parents realized the pregnancies, but I am also pretty sure they came as surprises.

Yep my grandmother had her third after an 18 year gap. At age 47 no less. Not sure how it happened but I do think all the talk of a fertility cliff contributes to unplanned pregnancies in a woman's forties. I do also suspect that my grandparents were better parents in their 40s.