FIL with dementia demanding to “go home”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father has dementia and he is still living in his own house that he has lived in for over 50 years and he says he wants to go home all the time. This is common for people with dementia because they don’t know where they are and they think themselves, oh if I could just go home I would know where I am and I would feel better. The social worker told us that

Wow. So heartbreaking.

My mom had Alzheimer's and is living in her own apartment but thinks everything on it was left my the previous owner. As in "we are so lucky the previous owner left us this couch" or "the previous owner left me her clothes". Luckily my mom says the previous owner had impeccable taste😁

Aww, I know it’s can make your heart ache but it also gave me a smile.

In some ways, it's true. The previous owner is still lurking somewhere inside their heart. <3

[Anonymous]

Doctors are no help. I think they worry that by saying he can't take care of himself, it implies that Medicaid will pay for medical residence.

You have to find a way to keep him safe.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your first step is to get him a monitor that looks like a watch or bracelet -- when he wanders, you will want to be able to locate him.

I would do that today.

[Anonymous]

https://www.alzheimers.net/8-8-14-location-devices-dementia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father has dementia and he is still living in his own house that he has lived in for over 50 years and he says he wants to go home all the time. This is common for people with dementia because they don’t know where they are and they think themselves, oh if I could just go home I would know where I am and I would feel better. The social worker told us that

Wow. So heartbreaking.

But so helpful to know. Thank you so much to all the pps who gave such helpful advice and tips!

How would you reply, than?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
- biggest issue is he has no recognition of any of his cognitive deficits, and even when given written documentation of evaluations doesn’t believe it, forgets he can’t drive and plans to drive extensively “when he goes home”, has no idea what health issues he has

I don't know whether this will help at all, but the term for this is anosognosia. It happens in a range of disease processes (including mental health disorders, not that he has one but just to give you a sense of what it connects to). More here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anosognosia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father has dementia and he is still living in his own house that he has lived in for over 50 years and he says he wants to go home all the time. This is common for people with dementia because they don’t know where they are and they think themselves, oh if I could just go home I would know where I am and I would feel better. The social worker told us that

Wow. So heartbreaking.

But so helpful to know. Thank you so much to all the pps who gave such helpful advice and tips!

How would you reply, than?

Don't argue or explain. Just say, 'sure, we can go home soon. Let's have some dinner first, ok?' something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The doctor is right. Legally you have to wait until something really bad happens before he can be declared incompetent.

It is terrifying but you can't change the laws.

Can you bring him back to his house and check in every once and while? Or hire someone else to do this? Or sell his house and let him pick out a condo or more manageable place to live?

You can notify adult protective services in where he is living of the situation. They can't do anything until the police have to respond, but at least they will have your father on their radar.

I empathize. Same situation with both of my parents. I'm impressed you can get him to go to the doctor.

Unfortunately that isn't exactly true. The standards for competency to make medical and financial decisions are clear. What you (and the OP) need are professionals can evaluate your parent(s) capacities in these areas. Do you have an attorney who specializes in elder law? He or she can give you advice. If you already have a POA in place, then find a gerontologist, a neurologist (preferably who works with dementia patients as a significant part of their practice) or neuropsychologist (again, with a dementia specialty). They will be able to conduct a capacity examination. Oftentimes primary care physicians are asked to do these kinds of evaluations and they really don't have the experience or expertise to do so. From OP's description, the parent clearly lacks capacity for decision making and may even meet a grave disability standard (unable to make appropriate decisions for self-care). Good luck to you both

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put him in a nursing home. Sounds like dementia.

You can’t just put someone in a nursing home. They must need help with 3 activities of daily living first-the can include dressing, bathing, toileting, feeding, transferring or walking.

[Anonymous]

"Go home" means "to go back to how they were before". It's not about a place. It's about another time.

Two things happen with the elderly, depending on degree of dementia: They don't recognize their former home when they go back to visit. It means nothing to them. Nothing at all. OR. They repeatedly say they want to visit their former home. A repeated request. But when it's all planned, that they will visit, they won't go, they resist. That resistance will be at the last minute.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to all the PPs with helpful responses, it was appreciated.

It’s been a whirlwind since I wrote the original post. In that time, FIL continued for about a week with the “I’ve packed my bag and I’m leaving” stuff. He then had a tough conversation with my husband (his son) in which my husband listed every doctor visit, every big red flag of things FIL wasn’t doing/car accidents/unpaid taxes, etc., every missed appointment he swore he went to every week, and so on. Told FIL in no uncertain terms he can’t go home, today or ever. For the first time, FIL actually cried after hearing this (other times he’d just say “i disagree” or “no, that’s not true”). The next day, he COMPLETELY changed demeanor, told us he now recognizes he has some limitations, and thanked us for all we’ve done for him “these last couple of weeks” (which is how long he thinks he’s been “visiting”).

After this huge shift in demeanor, we took him to see a couple of assisted living places, he decided they looked nice, and he moved into one today. Still being pleasant as pie. No longer trying to leave & take walks or head to the airport. It’s like a switch flipped and he’s suddenly able to remember he really DOES have some health problems.

It seemed like a super fast move to assisted living, but we decided to have him move while he was still thinking it was a good idea and something he’d chosen, so he’d at least have positive feelings about the place as his first impression. TBD how it all turns out. He doesn’t like to be around “old people” so I’m not sure what he will think of being surrounded by people his same age or 5-10 years younger.

Just wanted to share an update.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for updating us, OP. It sounded like your FIL was having some moments of clarity, which can happen with dementia, sometimes in surprising ways. I‘m glad it worked out and he was agreeable to moving to a facility. It doesn’t mean you’ve abandoned him - you are now freed up to enjoy the relationship in a new way now that you’re no longer his primary caregiver. Hopefully they’ll have a good calendar of activities and will find ways to engage him and keep him stimulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father has dementia and he is still living in his own house that he has lived in for over 50 years and he says he wants to go home all the time. This is common for people with dementia because they don’t know where they are and they think themselves, oh if I could just go home I would know where I am and I would feel better. The social worker told us that

Wow. So heartbreaking.

Agree, but also very insightful. I read this board every once in a while because I know it will be my turn soon, and these tidbits are exactly what I'm looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. Both of my parents - my Mom about a year before she died and now my Dad -- although not so much frequently -- insisted on "going home" .... sigh. For us to insist that they are home (and they were/are) would only create an agitated argument. What did work was to engage in a sort of round about not disagreeing conversation:

Dad: I want to go home.
Me: Ok. Wow -- going to be a lot of packing.....
Dad: Oh
Me: I guess you would have to change doctors. oh boy -- Dr. Somebody is so good. It's great he is your doctor.
Dad: Oh

So you get the idea -- the point is not to argue. Just agree and try to diffuse. It worked with us..... mostly. I remember my mother insisting I go get her suitcase and "tell your father we need to check out of this hotel to get home...."

It's like redirecting a toddler. It's hard, I know.

I agree with getting a care manager. We have the same one that worked with my Mother -- so my Dad really trusts her.

Good luck.

This. It is fine to lie as well and tell your dad that he is just going to stay a few more weeks until the house is ready (or something like that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to all the PPs with helpful responses, it was appreciated.

It’s been a whirlwind since I wrote the original post. In that time, FIL continued for about a week with the “I’ve packed my bag and I’m leaving” stuff. He then had a tough conversation with my husband (his son) in which my husband listed every doctor visit, every big red flag of things FIL wasn’t doing/car accidents/unpaid taxes, etc., every missed appointment he swore he went to every week, and so on. Told FIL in no uncertain terms he can’t go home, today or ever. For the first time, FIL actually cried after hearing this (other times he’d just say “i disagree” or “no, that’s not true”). The next day, he COMPLETELY changed demeanor, told us he now recognizes he has some limitations, and thanked us for all we’ve done for him “these last couple of weeks” (which is how long he thinks he’s been “visiting”).

After this huge shift in demeanor, we took him to see a couple of assisted living places, he decided they looked nice, and he moved into one today. Still being pleasant as pie. No longer trying to leave & take walks or head to the airport. It’s like a switch flipped and he’s suddenly able to remember he really DOES have some health problems.

It seemed like a super fast move to assisted living, but we decided to have him move while he was still thinking it was a good idea and something he’d chosen, so he’d at least have positive feelings about the place as his first impression. TBD how it all turns out. He doesn’t like to be around “old people” so I’m not sure what he will think of being surrounded by people his same age or 5-10 years younger.

Just wanted to share an update.

That’s great. I’m glad things have turned out so well. My Dad was resisting moving (who wants to go from a nice house to a small apartment in an independent living place), but I told him “at some point you are going to have to move. Do you want to do it now when you have some control over it or after you are sick or injured and I have to make all the decisions for you”.