FIL with dementia demanding to “go home”

[Anonymous]

Put some camera up around the house. Record how he’s acting. I had to use a recording of my Mom to convince her neurologist and psychneuro that she has dementia.

There is a good video on YouTube about how to deal with dementia and “going home”. It’s less about the physical space. More about the feelings of safety and comfort. She gives you great tips on how to respond.

And as others have mentioned above, therapeutic lying is a good thing and can redirect them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have personal experience with this, but a lot of police departments have programs where you can essentially register vulnerable adults with them. You said he's a wandering risk. It might be helpful to check in with local authorities to see if he can be enrolled in a program like this so that if he does roam, they'll have a head start with a description, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father has dementia and he is still living in his own house that he has lived in for over 50 years and he says he wants to go home all the time. This is common for people with dementia because they don’t know where they are and they think themselves, oh if I could just go home I would know where I am and I would feel better. The social worker told us that

Wow. So heartbreaking.

My mom had Alzheimer's and is living in her own apartment but thinks everything on it was left my the previous owner. As in "we are so lucky the previous owner left us this couch" or "the previous owner left me her clothes". Luckily my mom says the previous owner had impeccable taste😁

[Anonymous]

Be very sympathetic. Most of you will also have dementia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be very sympathetic. Most of you will also have dementia

I feel as though everyone here is being very sympathetic. We just want to keep our parents safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father has dementia and he is still living in his own house that he has lived in for over 50 years and he says he wants to go home all the time. This is common for people with dementia because they don’t know where they are and they think themselves, oh if I could just go home I would know where I am and I would feel better. The social worker told us that

Wow. So heartbreaking.

But so helpful to know. Thank you so much to all the pps who gave such helpful advice and tips!

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. My MIL of decades, who I loved like my own mother, had dementia and insisted that she wanted to go home. Problem was, she was in her own home of 15 years. She just didn't recognize her home. I understand this is not the same situation as your FIL but you may use the same strategy we did. Keep punting. Say yeah okay but keep postponing. And see a few drs...

[Anonymous]

Look for a new doctor, preferably one who specializes in dementia. My mother’s doctor (at a midwestern teaching hospital’s geriatrics practice) was very much an advocate for meeting my mother’s need for care, taking away her car keys, etc. as her Alzheimer’s progressed. In fact it was the doctor who pushed my father to get more help (and ultimately place her in a memory care facility) when he was still in denial about his ability to keep her safe at home. This journey is hard enough on its own. Having a doctor obstructing your desire to help a parent with dementia is not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father has dementia and he is still living in his own house that he has lived in for over 50 years and he says he wants to go home all the time. This is common for people with dementia because they don’t know where they are and they think themselves, oh if I could just go home I would know where I am and I would feel better. The social worker told us that

Wow. So heartbreaking.

My mom had Alzheimer's and is living in her own apartment but thinks everything on it was left my the previous owner. As in "we are so lucky the previous owner left us this couch" or "the previous owner left me her clothes". Luckily my mom says the previous owner had impeccable taste😁

Aww, I know it’s can make your heart ache but it also gave me a smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. Both of my parents - my Mom about a year before she died and now my Dad -- although not so much frequently -- insisted on "going home" .... sigh. For us to insist that they are home (and they were/are) would only create an agitated argument. What did work was to engage in a sort of round about not disagreeing conversation:

Dad: I want to go home.
Me: Ok. Wow -- going to be a lot of packing.....
Dad: Oh
Me: I guess you would have to change doctors. oh boy -- Dr. Somebody is so good. It's great he is your doctor.
Dad: Oh

So you get the idea -- the point is not to argue. Just agree and try to diffuse. It worked with us..... mostly. I remember my mother insisting I go get her suitcase and "tell your father we need to check out of this hotel to get home...."

It's like redirecting a toddler. It's hard, I know.

I agree with getting a care manager. We have the same one that worked with my Mother -- so my Dad really trusts her.

Good luck.

DP but can you recommend your care manager? Or share how you found them?

My parents are in New England. My sister found the care manager when our Mother needed care. I'm pretty sure it was just through an ad. Then it turned out that the care giver's parents and my parents went to high school together. (Sometimes a small town can be a great thing!). My Mother passed away in 2007. Since then the Care Manager has stayed in touch with my Dad -- taking him out to lunch every couple of months. He still resisted care when he needed it.... we had to ease it in. Now he has 24/7 care - still in his home - which I what he wants. And we are very lucky that he can afford this care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL is 88, almost 89. He came to live with us about 6 months ago following a stroke. He has significant memory deficits and evaluations indicate moderate cognitive decline and recommend 24 hour care available with possibility of locked care unit. He cannot drive (stroke, memory, vision - his car had clearly been in numerous collisions in the few months before the latest stroke). He can’t remember that he can’t drive. He can’t remember that he has any cognitive decline. He doesn’t believe he hasn’t paid his taxes in years and has missed many appointments and stopped engaging in his regular routine of many years. He believes he’s 100% capable of living independently and caring for himself.

Things he can do:
- physically very fit for age
- mobile, capable of physical self-care but only engages in personal hygiene if reminded (otherwise wears the same clothes until filthy and doesn’t shave for weeks; hadn’t trimmed nails for several months)
- pleasant conversation & generally sociable
- can certainly express that he wants to go home

Things he can’t do:
- remember personal hygiene or complete it without multiple prompts/reminders
- provide adequate nutrition for himself (had lost a lot of weight, had vitamin deficiencies, very dehydrated, fridge full of expired food)
- drive (!!)
- remember appointments
- he’s lost his car several times and required someone else to help find it but didn’t know how to seek that help
- isn’t keeping up on taxes, bills that aren’t on auto-pay
- stopped household maintenance and yard care; yard was so bad neighbors called us and we set up lawn care. We also set up house cleaners.
- medication management - thinks he takes one pill occasionally, actually takes about 8 medications between am and pm, which we manage for him
- doesn’t remember conversations that you had five minutes before, like “we’re going to the doctor today” - tell him again and he’s surprised
- not oriented to date/passage of time - thinks he’s been visiting us for two weeks but it’s been nearly six months
- biggest issue is he has no recognition of any of his cognitive deficits, and even when given written documentation of evaluations doesn’t believe it, forgets he can’t drive and plans to drive extensively “when he goes home”, has no idea what health issues he has

Today I had to take him to the doctor to discuss medication to address increasing agitation over “going home” and he did a top notch job of demonstrating his lack of awareness to the physician. It was a total display of dementia. YET: physician didn’t think there was enough info to say FIL isn’t competent to make his own decisions.

I am at an absolute loss. He is a wandering risk. Got lost walking in the neighborhood he walks in daily. Has no idea his medical issues despite having them explained repeatedly. Can’t care for himself. Yet he’s...fine?

Advice very much needed on next steps. We do have power of attorney (financial and health care) but they’re active upon incapacity. We feel so trapped but know there is no way it’s safe or appropriate for father in law to go home. What can we do next? He’s an “elopement risk” at this point because he’s so fired up about going home. Doctor’s advice was to take him to an ER if that happens.

We’re in almost the same situation with my slightly younger dad. In our case, the saving grace is that he has a recurrent wound that requires professional nursing. When he is agitated, we mention the wound and he thinks he is the hospital temporarily.

[Anonymous]

My dad had dementia (he died of Covid just under a year ago). One thing you can do is go with the conversation, as others have said, but steer it. I used to steer conversations to memories of when he was young. Dad: “I want to go home.” Me: “Oh, home! Do you remember the way the light came through the big windows in the house on Main St? Wouldn’t it be lovely to go there again?” My dad didn’t focus on going home, but on fears of my mom leaving him (she was devoted and never would have). So when he began saying “she’s left me and gone to Aruba” I’d say “Aruba! Did you ever go on an exotic vacation with Mom? Tell me about it Dad, please!” His mind was already on my mom, so that would sometimes work.

Good luck and hugs. This is the hardest work you will ever do.

[Anonymous]

The doctor is right. Legally you have to wait until something really bad happens before he can be declared incompetent.

It is terrifying but you can't change the laws.

Can you bring him back to his house and check in every once and while? Or hire someone else to do this? Or sell his house and let him pick out a condo or more manageable place to live?

You can notify adult protective services in where he is living of the situation. They can't do anything until the police have to respond, but at least they will have your father on their radar.

I empathize. Same situation with both of my parents. I'm impressed you can get him to go to the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have personal experience with this, but a lot of police departments have programs where you can essentially register vulnerable adults with them. You said he's a wandering risk. It might be helpful to check in with local authorities to see if he can be enrolled in a program like this so that if he does roam, they'll have a head start with a description, etc.

They all do- APS has a counseling division. You should call and tell them this. They will take down the information and your father's name so they have background when eventually they have to respond.

[Anonymous]

My mom is in her home but thinks she’s in a nursing home. She thinks all the neighbors moved into the nursing home, too, at the same time she did.