Sad there is No bond with adopted family member

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your experiences bonding with an older child who has been adopted into your family? Mine new relative has experienced trauma in the past and naturally has been reluctant to warm up to everyone and has anger issues. I understand this but am wondering how I can help build some trust. FYY-this child is not mine but a member of immediate family.

We adopted teen DS this year. He was a distant relative of DH. He doesn’t have anger issues, but he is shy and leery of adults who come on too hard too fast. The pandemic has really allowed us to give him space from my over enthusiastic extended family. Some have only seen him on FT or Zoom. They can’t corner him with questions about his past or inappropriate statements about how lucky he is. Bonding is probably going to look different because we haven’t had those big family holidays or summer reunions. He has become closer to one of my brothers because they play video games over the internet once a week. Trust takes a long time though. My DD would feel totally comfortable with spending a week alone with her uncle. DS has had so many predatory males approach him in his various prior homes that I think any time alone would be anxiety producing.

[Anonymous]

We adopted a 10 month old infant who had been in a wonderful orphanage with lots of attention and love. His physical needs had been well taken care of.

Even so, it took time for him to get fully comfortable with us. He was always “easy”, loved to be picked up, etc., but I remember that wonderful moment maybe a month after he came to us, when I picked him up and he immediately nuzzled into my neck. He had truly found home.

I think you have to give it time. An older child, who has not been in an ideal place, will need to work through lots of issues.

It’ll be worth it - be patient!

[Anonymous]

Activities that don't involve talking is good. I work in a high school with high schoolers who don't always want to work with me. We play a lot of Uno in the beginning. It's a game they already know and love or can easily learn and we don't have to talk much. But eventually it leads to a few laughs, a way for a personality to come out (competetive, cautious...). We have our best talks that way after some time - eventually they'll mention another game or a friend they used to play with or something to springboard into more meaningful conversation, building rapport and eventually being able to work on the intended skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your experiences bonding with an older child who has been adopted into your family? Mine new relative has experienced trauma in the past and naturally has been reluctant to warm up to everyone and has anger issues. I understand this but am wondering how I can help build some trust. FYY-this child is not mine but a member of immediate family.

What do the child's parents say, OP? Because honestly it is a little weird that you are talking about being disappointed over a lack of bond with a "new" family member who you acknowledge has a past history of trauma. Is perhaps the real issue that your expectations are too high and you lack insight regarding what trauma actually does to a child. Why are you asking here instead of talking to the parents? Have they perhaps tried to recalibrate your expectations but you didn't like that response?

Excellent questions and post, PP. I think the OP really needs to dial it back. Her post sounds a lot more like her being needy than her being willing to accept this new family member at face value.

Sounds like a grandmother who wants to know her role.

OP if that is your situation, I think dropping by every week for an hour or two (maybe when the parents need a break) could be a nice thing to do. Follow the child’s interests. If it is early elementary child, maybe bring some fun books you can read — Zoe and Sassafras is a nice one, or find a series about space. Then you could do science experiments together. Bring home cooked snacks that the child likes. Really listen to them and find out their interests and tastes. At that age they could guide you to what they are interested in. Showing love takes time and you’ll just have to be available until the child opens up to you.

It actually sounds like someone trying to *define* their role rather than follow what the parents are suggesting, and, unfortunately, your kind suggestions are playing right into that.

Without any further information the only advice for OP should be to talk to the parents and do what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your experiences bonding with an older child who has been adopted into your family? Mine new relative has experienced trauma in the past and naturally has been reluctant to warm up to everyone and has anger issues. I understand this but am wondering how I can help build some trust. FYY-this child is not mine but a member of immediate family.

Please talk to the parents. The child has to bond to parents and siblings before extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The child is in early elementary

‘older child’

[Anonymous]

The child first needs to bond to the family they were adopted into.

You should just be kind and interact how you would with any child that age. The bond will grow but it will take years.