Sad there is No bond with adopted family member

[Anonymous]

Tell me your experiences bonding with an older child who has been adopted into your family? Mine new relative has experienced trauma in the past and naturally has been reluctant to warm up to everyone and has anger issues. I understand this but am wondering how I can help build some trust. FYY-this child is not mine but a member of immediate family.

[Anonymous]

It’s going to take a lot of patience and many, many attempts at reaching out with love. This child has a history of being hurt by the ones who should have loved him or her the most. It will take healing and a huge leap of faith for the child to allow anyone else to get close enough to occupy that space in his/her life again. A couple years ago, a teacher posted here on DCUM that, often times, her students who behaved in the least lovable ways were the ones most in need of love. It’s hard to keep putting yourself out there, but don’t give up on this child.

[Anonymous]

You might get better and more specific advice if you post the age. It's different for teens than for toddlers.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The child is in early elementary

[Anonymous]

I'd have a routine therapy in place so a professional can help manage the anger issues. Once that hurdle is at least semi surpassed the bonding might set in a bit more.

Is there anything planned - a fun beach trip, regular and predictable family time together, some sort of team building the family can do together (like at a retreat ctr(, or even a rope course/zip line/Escape Rm that requires a team effort to build a relationship.

The case worker should still be involved with this and checking in on the transition, offering resources, and the like.

What state?

[Anonymous]

Figure out what that child likes - is she into sports, art, cooking, animals? And then do that with her.

[Anonymous]

So it's your sibling's child? Firstly, they need time to observe you. Stop trying to interact and force a bond. It's kind of like when babies are shy - just let them observe you talking with the people they know and trust. Be consistent - they pay attention to what you say. If you say you'll drop something off Wednesday, don't blow it off or show up Thursday. If you say you always pick green any time there's an opportunity to pick a color, don't then say "I think today I'll be yellow." That will make you untrustworthy.

Be accepting of their anger. "That would make me really angry too." "That didn't go how you wanted it to at all, did it?" Let them have their anger - don't try to show them the silver lining or tell them their toy wouldn't have broken if they'd been more gentle with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it's your sibling's child? Firstly, they need time to observe you. Stop trying to interact and force a bond. It's kind of like when babies are shy - just let them observe you talking with the people they know and trust. Be consistent - they pay attention to what you say. If you say you'll drop something off Wednesday, don't blow it off or show up Thursday. If you say you always pick green any time there's an opportunity to pick a color, don't then say "I think today I'll be yellow." That will make you untrustworthy.

Be accepting of their anger. "That would make me really angry too." "That didn't go how you wanted it to at all, did it?" Let them have their anger - don't try to show them the silver lining or tell them their toy wouldn't have broken if they'd been more gentle with it.

I agree with this. You can’t force trust, it has to build over time by showing this child consistently over and over again that they can rely on you. There are ways to encourage it, though. For instance, if you were having them over for a cookout, ask (or have he adoptive parents ask for you) whether they would prefer hamburgers or hotdogs, a preferred ice cream flavor, etc., and then make sure you have when they come over. It’s a sign that you care about their preferences and they can believe you’ll do what you say.

Be aware, though, that you also may get backlash at some point, For a child who has been hurt that badly, trusting people is scary. So if this child starts to feel like maybe they can trust you, they are likely to act out in a way that’s designed to push you away. It’s not because they want to drive you away, it’s to see if they can. It’s a test. If you stick around, and are firm with any necessary boundaries but still loving, empathetic and kind, that will resonate.

[Anonymous]

You have to be patient and not make it about your sadness and what your expectations are. That is the worst angle you can take.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if you stoped calling them the adopted family member and considered them a family member that would help. Take some time to get to know them. Plan a special time, play a video game with them, something. If they aren't local, maybe a monthly gift of a shirt, book or other small item.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if you stoped calling them the adopted family member and considered them a family member that would help. Take some time to get to know them. Plan a special time, play a video game with them, something. If they aren't local, maybe a monthly gift of a shirt, book or other small item.

How else was OP supposed to ask her question on DCUM? I would assume this is not what they say in their family because everybody knows.
If OP had been vague - someone in early elementary in their family who they are just getting to know - there would have been assumptions and questions. It’s not rude to say adopted when it’s relevant to the issue.

[Anonymous]

You do things together and make plans and stick to them. Set up a day...every other Tuesday or whatever and make it a planned thing. Do something together. Play video games. Go to the zoo. Go to one of those paint places. Go to an arcade. Basically just spend a couple hours with them on a set schedule. They will warm up to you. The mos important thing is to stick to the schedule. It allows the kid to know you're reliable and you follow through. They can trust you because you don't let them down.

And like other pps have said, this can't be about you. Take the kids lead. Don't push them. If you play video games for an hour and don't talk, that's ok. You're still showing him you're there for him. Kids who have been through a lot have their guard up. They get manipulated. They learn not to get too close. So the more you show him you're there, the more that guard will come down.

[Anonymous]

OP I think it's wonderful you care and haven't turned your back due to the anger issues. I hope the family is getting this child some therapy and themselves some guidance on how to manage things at home? As another person said, it's good to be a reliable source of caring, even when the child doesn't seem interested. Also, if you encounter the anger the first step is to do what you can to de-escalate.

[Anonymous]

The sad truth is that a lot of adopted kids have bio families with ADHD, or other mental health disorders, that may also have been self-medicated with drugs or alcohol.

So the first action to take is a review of the adoption information: are there known red flags, such as fetal alcohol syndrome? The second action is to have the child evaluated for ADHD, anxiety, etc. A full neuropsychological assessment. Then you know were you stand and can target the child’s needs specifically.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me your experiences bonding with an older child who has been adopted into your family? Mine new relative has experienced trauma in the past and naturally has been reluctant to warm up to everyone and has anger issues. I understand this but am wondering how I can help build some trust. FYY-this child is not mine but a member of immediate family.

What do the child's parents say, OP? Because honestly it is a little weird that you are talking about being disappointed over a lack of bond with a "new" family member who you acknowledge has a past history of trauma. Is perhaps the real issue that your expectations are too high and you lack insight regarding what trauma actually does to a child. Why are you asking here instead of talking to the parents? Have they perhaps tried to recalibrate your expectations but you didn't like that response?