My wife lies a lot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a girlfriend who cannot tell the truth. She is also an alcoholic so I think it blurs her reality. Her last boyfriend constantly called her out so of course she dumped him.

Ummm. Why are you still with her? This isn't going to change.

I'm her friend.

ahHH. I just call my friends that are women 'friends' hence the confusion. I thought you were a dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worked on my own tendency to lie in my 30s. It came from an authoritarian parent who was always in my hair. Telling little lies was the only way I could get some breathing room. It was the fearful response of a child. I worked with someone on my fear and my lying almost disappeared. Not saying this is why your wife does it, but there may be and cause she can work on.

This is me too. Lying is reflexive when you grow up this way. The fact that you don't like the way your wife conducts herself and have "confronted" her will only make her disappear more into this defense mechanism. Work on creating an atmosphere of peace, acceptance, and non-intrusion for her.

Yes. We all grew up terrified of my dad, and I grew up watching my mother lie about how much every item in the house cost, where we went, what we did, etc. She would coach us to lie to my dad (i.e. "If he asks how much the shoes cost, say they were a hand-me-down from your cousins.") And we weren't poor. My dad was must really controlling and cheap.

I, too, was afraid to ever have a real conversation or any type of conflict with my husband. I assumed if he was asking me a question it was so he could find a reason to yell and me and attack me emotionally and verbally. It took me well over ten years to feel safe enough to not lie to him. But yes, it was reflexive and I didn't even know that I was doing it, much less why. It was just what people did, in my mind. You might want to consider both getting therapy -- so she can figure out why she does it, and you can figure out if you have a part in it as well.

[Anonymous]

Have a code word. When she does it, gently remind her with the code word.

[Anonymous]

I also learned to be *careful* about the truth because of my rage-prone father and emotionally enmeshed mother. I know that instinct to sculpt the truth to avoid certain reactions out of fear. It took me some time as an adult to learn to be more trusting and this more honest with people close to me. The hardest part was learning to be honest about my feelings, because I’d learned to suppress them for so long.

However, I also dealt with a friend like this a while back and now I also see it from the other side and how it can be extremely stressful and even hurtful to those around you. My friend lied a lot to make herself look better and avoid being accountable for her own actions. She was the baby of her family a doted on by her family, and I think her lying stemmed from a kind of collective family lie that she was always innocent, that her actions shouldn’t have consequences, and that it was the responsibility of others to protect her, even when she became an adult. Her lying was disturbing and partially led to our friendship ending because while I empathized with her instinct to lie, ultimately I think she needed to learn to be responsible for herself. That $hit is tiresome after a certain age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a type of mental illness. My exW lied a lot, about so many things. It's one thing when you lie because you feel the need to deliberately deceive someone, or hide the truth for your own reasons. But she told so many small lies it's like every story she ever told me about the past or present was subject to embellishment or just outright re-writing of history. I called her out on it a few times and she got very defensive and angry. It never stopped and eventually, I didn't believe a word she said.

I also had a GF like this in high school. As an example, I remember spending the day with her and coming back to her house. Her mom asked what did we do today and she made up a totally BS story that wasn't necessary at all, but sure sounded like more fun than our actual easy going day. She could have just told her the truth. We had nothing to hide and no reason to deceive her. She would do that all the time and it drove me crazy because now, I'm part of the lie.

I didn't know Hilaria was married before! 🤣

[Anonymous]

My husband lies all the time and he is getting tested for bipolar. He already had depression, anxiety, and adhd. He recently came out as bisexual, but before that also lied all the time. We are finally getting separated because I just simply can't make any plans with a liar. He has no ability to see the future. The executive functioning aspect to plan is completely missing which is why we've decided he has no problem lying because it's always about what feels right in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband lies all the time and he is getting tested for bipolar. He already had depression, anxiety, and adhd. He recently came out as bisexual, but before that also lied all the time. We are finally getting separated because I just simply can't make any plans with a liar. He has no ability to see the future. The executive functioning aspect to plan is completely missing which is why we've decided he has no problem lying because it's always about what feels right in the moment.

Who is "we've"? You and your husband?

That's not even remotely true.
My husband and son both have severe ADHD and executive functioning is their greatest challenge... and neither of them lie due to it.

I think you should reserve diagnosis to the professionals and not allow him to state whatever is convenient for him, because that is a lie too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure she is cheating. Liars like that always do.

Children that grow up with alcoholics do both a lot of the time. They learned to lie to cover things from the other parent or the damaged one that told them not to tell mom/dad X,etc. it becomes innate. Adult children of alcoholics.

+1 My mom is the adult daughter of an alcoholic and has a very loose relationship with the truth. I have complete contempt for this behavior (no excuse not to address your demons) but understand where it comes from.

[Anonymous]

If she is good looking and still wants sex a lot who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband lies all the time and he is getting tested for bipolar. He already had depression, anxiety, and adhd. He recently came out as bisexual, but before that also lied all the time. We are finally getting separated because I just simply can't make any plans with a liar. He has no ability to see the future. The executive functioning aspect to plan is completely missing which is why we've decided he has no problem lying because it's always about what feels right in the moment.

Who is "we've"? You and your husband?

That's not even remotely true.
My husband and son both have severe ADHD and executive functioning is their greatest challenge... and neither of them lie due to it.

I think you should reserve diagnosis to the professionals and not allow him to state whatever is convenient for him, because that is a lie too.

It is a comorbid condition that is sometimes present. My son had it from a young age. Your husband and son might not have that particular comorbid issue. Goodness. You'd think you'd know by now that there are plenty of comorbid conditions with ADHD and Aspergers, Anxiety, and Depression. In my husband's case, his inability to look into the future and past makes him more impulsive and more likely to lie in the short term.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4752122/

https://www.understood.org/en/community-events/blogs/expert-corner/2016/05/11/the-new-thinking-about-adhd-and-executive-functioning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is good looking and still wants sex a lot who cares?

She says she wants sex a lot but then it turns out she was lying.

[Anonymous]

My spouse lies a lot too, but not for entertainment or ego. He says other stuff to prop up his ego.

10 years in we looked in to if it was ADD - his chronic forgetting things, agreements, discussions, asks- and it was autism.

[Anonymous]

He lies because he actually never processed what happened, his brain skipped over it and thus to him it ever happened.

It’s a real struggle to live with. That would be an understatement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a pathological liar that lies about little stuff and exaggerates a ton. It bothered me a bit in the past but now I’m close to divorce. I’ve confronted her about it and she knows she does it, but somehow it’s a disease. She’s been doing it since she was a kid.

If she’s mentally normal otherwise she’d be lying due to some insecurity or need to please others.

Exaggerations could be you both are calibrated very differently. Or even one person shares “personal stories” and the other person never does.

[Anonymous]

I'm your wife I do it because I find it amusing and it makes things interesting. I enjoy making up stories, people, and scenarios *shrugs

This strikes me as a bit of a different and more benign category. I do think there are folks, and I'd include my own Mom among them, who just enjoy telling tall tales. To some extent, it is even tacitly acknowledged in the telling that this may or may not be true, wonder if you can tell. We got lot of fabulous tales of her childhood for instance which she still never verified as true or not. At the same time, I have never known my Mom to actually lie when asked a direct (significant) question or to brush up her own image/ego (quite the opposite).

So I'd say context and motive matters.