What is wrong with my parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you point the finger at someone else, look at your own hand. You'll see that there are three fingers pointing right straight back at you. Think about it.

ok yoda

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you point the finger at someone else, look at your own hand. You'll see that there are three fingers pointing right straight back at you. Think about it.

Are you the OP's parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? Some retired people can become very self-involved. Also depressed people can become self-involved. I've seen this with my mom. I just stopped trying to change her and accepted it.

Curious what would happen if you said: Hey I need your advice and want to run something past youZ what do you think of X versus Y for the house /kid? I’ve been looking into it. Know anything about it?

Can they respond and make sense?

These long lectures or monologues they say, do they repeat them or are they just babblers free flowing and happy to be talking to someone?

OP here. I have tried the asking for advice thing. They have a ton of experience with home renovation so I’ve tried asking for advice in some stuff we’ve thought about doing. It goes nowhere. I asked my dad how he’d approach adding some built ins to our living room. He just shrugged and said we should just find something at IKEA (please note this is not how my dad would approach that in his own home— I don’t think he has anything IKEA at all). And then he changed the subject.

I admittedly don’t ask them for parenting advice because the stuff they say stresses me out a lot. But I look for other ways we can connect and just.... nothing.

I should also note that there was a 7 year period before I had a kid when my parents did not visit, except for my wedding. We visited them once or twice a year, but they never came here. After I had my daughter they made more of an effort, but their visits were stressful because we had a baby and my parents wanted to be entertained (planned activities, dinners out, etc.). We do it, but I never feel like there’s much visiting or quality time.

I honestly just don’t think they care for us. I’m at a point where I might be ready to let them go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? Some retired people can become very self-involved. Also depressed people can become self-involved. I've seen this with my mom. I just stopped trying to change her and accepted it.

Curious what would happen if you said: Hey I need your advice and want to run something past youZ what do you think of X versus Y for the house /kid? I’ve been looking into it. Know anything about it?

Can they respond and make sense?

These long lectures or monologues they say, do they repeat them or are they just babblers free flowing and happy to be talking to someone?

OP here. I have tried the asking for advice thing. They have a ton of experience with home renovation so I’ve tried asking for advice in some stuff we’ve thought about doing. It goes nowhere. I asked my dad how he’d approach adding some built ins to our living room. He just shrugged and said we should just find something at IKEA (please note this is not how my dad would approach that in his own home— I don’t think he has anything IKEA at all). And then he changed the subject.

I admittedly don’t ask them for parenting advice because the stuff they say stresses me out a lot. But I look for other ways we can connect and just.... nothing.

I should also note that there was a 7 year period before I had a kid when my parents did not visit, except for my wedding. We visited them once or twice a year, but they never came here. After I had my daughter they made more of an effort, but their visits were stressful because we had a baby and my parents wanted to be entertained (planned activities, dinners out, etc.). We do it, but I never feel like there’s much visiting or quality time.

I honestly just don’t think they care for us. I’m at a point where I might be ready to let them go.

I know exactly how you feel, OP, as my parents sound a lot like yours. It is so sad. We are so close w my in laws and I wish we could also be close w my parents but they’re just not that interested and it’s so hard to relate to them. They just talk about themselves and don’t ask about us when on the phone, they never call us/we always are the ones to initiate the call. They hardly ever visited us until after we had kids (my husband and I were together for 10 years before we had kids and during that time they came to visit us twice: once because my siblings were both also going to be visiting at the same time and once because other extended family were going to be visiting at the same time—basically both situations they actually came to visit the other people who would be there and not just to see us.)

they like my spouse and we all always get along fine so it’s not like there are bad feelings between us or tension there. Everyone shares the same fundamental beliefs—it’s not an issue of being from different religions or having different political views or anything of that nature. They just aren’t that into us!

Since we had kids they make a little more effort but like you, when they visit they expect to be entertained and expect everything to be to their liking...it feels formal and It’s not a very comfortable visit for us. When my in laws visit everyone is relaxed and the conversation flows easily and sure we are still good hosts—cooking for them, making sure their bed is made up and we have their favorite snacks on hand, the bathrooms are clean, etc. but since they are family and they come to just enjoy our company, we don’t feel like we have to have elaborate plans for every day and every meal like we do when my parents visit.

I’ve come to accept this is just the way things will be but it’s not fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? Some retired people can become very self-involved. Also depressed people can become self-involved. I've seen this with my mom. I just stopped trying to change her and accepted it.

Curious what would happen if you said: Hey I need your advice and want to run something past youZ what do you think of X versus Y for the house /kid? I’ve been looking into it. Know anything about it?

Can they respond and make sense?

These long lectures or monologues they say, do they repeat them or are they just babblers free flowing and happy to be talking to someone?

OP here. I have tried the asking for advice thing. They have a ton of experience with home renovation so I’ve tried asking for advice in some stuff we’ve thought about doing. It goes nowhere. I asked my dad how he’d approach adding some built ins to our living room. He just shrugged and said we should just find something at IKEA (please note this is not how my dad would approach that in his own home— I don’t think he has anything IKEA at all). And then he changed the subject.

I admittedly don’t ask them for parenting advice because the stuff they say stresses me out a lot. But I look for other ways we can connect and just.... nothing.

I should also note that there was a 7 year period before I had a kid when my parents did not visit, except for my wedding. We visited them once or twice a year, but they never came here. After I had my daughter they made more of an effort, but their visits were stressful because we had a baby and my parents wanted to be entertained (planned activities, dinners out, etc.). We do it, but I never feel like there’s much visiting or quality time.

I honestly just don’t think they care for us. I’m at a point where I might be ready to let them go.

Same thing happened to me. Really had an awareness that my mom’s “just not that into me” like if you’re dating some guy that just kind of doesn’t care if you’re there or not. It’s painful, but was a very good revelation. Allowed me to move on and really just focus on my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents drive me up the wall and I don’t know how to have a better attitude about them. Advice welcome.

They don’t seem to have any interest in me as a person or anyone else in my family as people. They will ask questions, but they don’t really seem interested in the answers and generally use them as a springboard to talk about something else. Like they will ask one question about our DD’s school or whether we’ve been vaccinated, and then launch into these long monologues about unrelated stuff— their neighbor’s landscaping, my sister’s job, etc. Whenever we talk, I feel so drained but will realize we didn’t tell them anything about our lives.

I ask them about their lives, their hobbies, their home. Ask after their siblings if I haven’t caught up with them in a bit. Ask about political goings on in their town. I’ll even follow up on the neighbor’s landscaping.

But they just don’t seem interested in us at all and I don’t get it. They just want to talk about themselves, but not even important things, just superficial stuff (like the neighbor). I’m at a loss. It was easier when we could visit, of course, but truthfully this dynamic was in place long before Covid.

Do they have friends? It sounds like they just don't know how to converse and are not interested in anything beyond themselves. Its not you, its them and how they are. Lower expectations. My in-laws are similar in that they dont know how to actually talk to anyone or ask questions and only monolog about random things and they dont have friends either. But they do care and mean well and have gotten better over the 10 years ive known them and especiallt since grandkids came.

[Anonymous]

OP, sometimes parent relationships aren't the closest if they feel they no longer have "control" of you, or you aren't following their preferred way of life. Happened to me with my parents.

They refused to call me, because it was the "child's responsibility to call them" as they were raised. So I dutifully called them once a week, and tried to get them to talk about things that interested them. It was always best if I didn't talk too much about myself; at least your parents don't criticize everything you do, OP, like mine did.

Your relationship doesn't have to be all or nothing, it could just be more superficial and low energy on your part, since your parents don't seem to want to engage. I always did better trying to get them to talk about their early lives or family history, which was interesting and good to know.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a problem with people who don't have much going on in their lives. Theirs are so uninteresting, they don't think anyone else lives interesting lives either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you point the finger at someone else, look at your own hand. You'll see that there are three fingers pointing right straight back at you. Think about it.

This looks like some claptrap you'd find in a shitty gas station calendar. Away with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissistic boomers

100%
My parents are like this. My friends parents are like this. I don't know what happened to an entire generation but so many of them are like this. Look at Trump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissistic boomers

My parents are like this. They can maybe pretend to be interested about us and our family for 5 minutes, then they will just talk about themselves. I can walk away from my phone, and my mom won't even know I'm gone. My wife's parents are similar. And what's really weird is that they don't seem to have any interest in a conversation, even about the stuff they're talking about. It's just a monologue.

I think it's endemic to Baby Boomers. My grandparents weren't like this.

[Anonymous]

When I read the initial post I actually wondered, "did I write this??"

What I don't understand is how my mother will complain that they haven't seen us in a year, yet seems completely uninterested in what we are doing. In the last year I got a new job, my kid graduated from HS, found a FT job and enrolled in CC, my other kid is a junior and looking at colleges...there's plenty to discuss, but they barely ask about us.

If I mention any news, my mother will greet it with the barest acknowledgement and end the topic immediately. Just yesterday I mentioned that DD and I started weightlifting and her response was "Hmph, well I hope you don't get hurt. Anyway, I went to Panera yesterday and my sandwich was terrible..." lol

I've pretty much stopped sharing info with them -- what's the point? Have they just forgotten how to have a conversation? Or did I never have a real conversation with them, and I'm just noticing it now?

Thankfully my in-laws aren't like this!

[Anonymous]

My parents can’t hold conversations anymore either! My mom has gone downhill over the last ten years or so. My dad, I think, has never been good at it, but now it’s so bad, even DH and my brother notice!

They do ask pointed questions about me, my family, and my friends. They are super focused when they ask. It feels nosy at best or like an interrogation at worst.

Maybe they think they are sharing when they go on and on about their friends, but it just feels like gossip.

They retired three years ago, and reading the other responses, I wonder if that has something to do with it.

[Anonymous]

My parents went through a phase where they were just not into us and in retrospect it was bliss. in their case they had a busy life. They even dumped plans with us for better offers occasionally. Then with age they became really needy and boundary stomping and they wanted us to revolve around them. In both cases I learned to detach. Hard to do, but worth it. i consider the relationship a job. I figure out what they like and go with it, but I don't look to mom for support.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. My mom was like this and it did worsen with time. By the last years of her life I had even stopped trying to share any stories of my kids or our life beyond brief facts, because of the obvious lack of interest/waiting to talk. And endless talk about things like who sat next to her on the plane or what car her neighbors apparently bought.

And she was cognitively ok, active and not lonely. It was just pure self-absorption and inability to focus or hold interest in anything other than herself. So perhaps this was some form of cognitive decline, but she certainly did not have dementia.