What is wrong with my parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you point the finger at someone else, look at your own hand. You'll see that there are three fingers pointing right straight back at you. Think about it.

Cute and trite. Maybe not applicable in this situation.

Or any situation. That is just trite and stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you point the finger at someone else, look at your own hand. You'll see that there are three fingers pointing right straight back at you. Think about it.

Cute and trite. Maybe not applicable in this situation.

Or any situation. That is just trite and stupid.

This person is an idiot. No one wants to listen to extended monologues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you point the finger at someone else, look at your own hand. You'll see that there are three fingers pointing right straight back at you. Think about it.

So many words.

[Anonymous]

My relatives this age like to harvest news from others and then share it. Partially it's because they don't have much to say about what they are actually doing, and partially narcissism, I think.

OP, they are probably turning around and repeating what you are telling them to your sister.

My aunt does this, and now I notice my retired sibling just starting to act this way.

[Anonymous]

My dad is like this and to some extent has always been like this. He's never been the most socially adept person, and probably has grown worse at it as he ages and as Covid has imposed isolation. I think it is based in part on social anxiety -- trying to fill in silences and keeping things going and not be very flexible with where the conversation is going. Rather than trusting that there can be a true back and forth, he goes forth on a monologue, where he is least comfortable talking about a subject.

He is also losing his hearing a bit but refuses to get a hearing aid. It's possible that your parents do not fully hear/understand everything you are saying, and are covering it up by going off on a topic they feel comfortable talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you point the finger at someone else, look at your own hand. You'll see that there are three fingers pointing right straight back at you. Think about it.

da fuq is this hocus focus???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Late 60s/early 70s. It’s not a recent thing— they’ve always been like this. I will say that they seem interested in my siblings and their kids, based on how much the talk about them. My DH says maybe they talk about us that way to them, but I don’t know how they could? They don’t even know very basic things about our lives. I got a new job last year and it took me 3 months to communicate it to them because they kept interrupting me or weren’t listening when I tried to talk about it.

OP, my parents are exactly like yours. They even say that they don't want to know about my professional accomplishments if I try to mention a success that I've had. They will even interrupt me if I mention work. They say it is because I do not vote like they do. They believe that my "lifestyle" (woman working) is not acceptable and they do not approve.

I don't put in much effort anymore. I send my DH to do welfare checks every once in a while and keep the conversation one-sided when my mother calls. My father does not speak to me and hasn't for years. I just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents drive me up the wall and I don’t know how to have a better attitude about them. Advice welcome.

They don’t seem to have any interest in me as a person or anyone else in my family as people. They will ask questions, but they don’t really seem interested in the answers and generally use them as a springboard to talk about something else. Like they will ask one question about our DD’s school or whether we’ve been vaccinated, and then launch into these long monologues about unrelated stuff— their neighbor’s landscaping, my sister’s job, etc. Whenever we talk, I feel so drained but will realize we didn’t tell them anything about our lives.

I ask them about their lives, their hobbies, their home. Ask after their siblings if I haven’t caught up with them in a bit. Ask about political goings on in their town. I’ll even follow up on the neighbor’s landscaping.

But they just don’t seem interested in us at all and I don’t get it. They just want to talk about themselves, but not even important things, just superficial stuff (like the neighbor). I’m at a loss. It was easier when we could visit, of course, but truthfully this dynamic was in place long before Covid.

My in laws are like this. They run out of energy or stuff to say by Day 1 of a visit. Then they literally won’t respond even if in a car ride together. They tune things out, even in emergencies.

Then my spouse and his brother were diagnosed with aspergers and it all made sense. They all have it. There will never be a true back and forth conversation. You can’t make someone mindblind, care.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are their daughter. First and foremost *you* need to strengthen the relationship you have with them. That means (when able) travel to see them, even when it's just you. Try to view the relationship more as if they were a friend. That means putting in the time, in person.

How is it when you call? Are you fitting-them-in between other tasks? Are you giving them your full attention? Or are you emptying the dishwasher? Noise, and the other person seeming busy can be very off-putting to older people. Make sure you prioritize them and give them your full attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissistic boomers

+1.
My in-laws are like that. I just don't care anymore. Minimal contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you point the finger at someone else, look at your own hand. You'll see that there are three fingers pointing right straight back at you. Think about it.

da fuq is this hocus focus???

That's an old lady's way of saying OP has to blame herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Late 60s/early 70s. It’s not a recent thing— they’ve always been like this. I will say that they seem interested in my siblings and their kids, based on how much the talk about them. My DH says maybe they talk about us that way to them, but I don’t know how they could? They don’t even know very basic things about our lives. I got a new job last year and it took me 3 months to communicate it to them because they kept interrupting me or weren’t listening when I tried to talk about it.

This seems a bit exaggerated, OP. Are you always this dramatic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old? Some retired people can become very self-involved. Also depressed people can become self-involved. I've seen this with my mom. I just stopped trying to change her and accepted it.

Curious what would happen if you said: Hey I need your advice and want to run something past youZ what do you think of X versus Y for the house /kid? I’ve been looking into it. Know anything about it?

Can they respond and make sense?

These long lectures or monologues they say, do they repeat them or are they just babblers free flowing and happy to be talking to someone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissistic boomers

But if this is a generational characteristic, the generation above them didn't/doesn't share it. Why?

[Anonymous]

My dad is like this too. He never calls me and when I call him (rarely these days as it’s just draining and not fulfilling at all) he just goes on and on about himself and things as you mentioned like his neighbors (who I don’t know) or some movie he saw (that I haven’t seen), etc just nothing we can both talk about, doesn’t ask questions about me/my kids/my family, and if I do try to talk a bit about myself/the kids, he tends to cut me off quickly. He shows very little interest in us. The only things he seems to enjoy talking about with me instead of just talking at me are when we talk about are house/car problems I’m having...he likes to share his knowledge and try to help me figure out solutions if there’s something around the house or something w my car that needs fixing. So I usually wait until I have a question/problem I can seek his advice on before I call or I wait until I’ve seen a good movie or read a good book I know he would enjoy so I can recommend it to him and feel as though I’ve contributed something as I feel like that’s the only meaningful connection or chance of back and forth actual conversation we have...it’s sad.

I do think it’s his problem and not mine bc I don’t have this issue w anyone else in my life (my mom and I never run out of things we both want to talk about, my in laws it’s the opposite problem of them just constantly asking me questions and not talking about themselves, my grandmother only calls when she wants to hear about the kids and she doesn’t ever want to talk about herself I practically have to drag any info out of her!).

I think there’s a few things going on: my dad is not a little kid person so he doesn’t delight in hearing all the cute/funny things my young kids do, he never really enjoyed being a parent to young kids so he doesn’t have an interest or any advice to give about kid stuff/parenting which is pretty much my whole life at this point, plus he’s always been self absorbed and kind of conceited, he’s never had a lot of friends and lacks social awareness, plus he always claims he doesn’t want to ask people questions bc he doesn’t want to be nosy/intrusive (which I mostly think is just an excuse for his lack of interest in others but is also kind of valid as it’s something I am very aware of too...I don’t want to ge perceived as nosy so I’m careful in what questions I ask people and careful about boundaries).

Mostly I think the pp who said narcissistic boomers has it right although of course each individual is a bit more nuanced than that.