Weird situation with guy friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What makes you think he wanted to get laid? Maybe he is lonely and just wants to hang out.

OP here. We have never hung out alone. We don’t even really talk. I assumed he was looking to get laid. Most guys aren’t going to call a woman that is just a downed or formed that they don’t really talk to “ just to hang out”. I don’t think he would invite me over if he wasn’t interested in me.

Most guys **you** date. Respectful men do this and don’t have issues. Show him what you’re used to. He will know by the treatment you expect.

OP here. I’ve never had sex with anyone I’ve never dated. I’m used to dates and not having sex until multiple dates. This doesn’t have anything to do with this situation. He’s not that close of a friend and has never showed any interest in dating me. Now he invites me over and doesn’t make a move. [/quote

OP, I bet the guy really likes you and is taking his time. This happened to me where I wondered why a guy I was hanging with didn’t make a single move after multiple dates over a few months; no kissing or anything! I was open to sex and am accustomed to more overt expressions of interest. Eventually he admitted he was pursuing me and we started dating shortly after, now in love. In hindsight, I appreciate the slow approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What makes you think he wanted to get laid? Maybe he is lonely and just wants to hang out.

OP here. We have never hung out alone. We don’t even really talk. I assumed he was looking to get laid. Most guys aren’t going to call a woman that is just a downed or formed that they don’t really talk to “ just to hang out”. I don’t think he would invite me over if he wasn’t interested in me.

LOL, you need to meet more real men. Not all guys are just looking to get laid. Maybe he actually likes you and wants to get to know you better? He seems nice enough. I'd keep an open mind. And..if you like him make sure he knows it. Perhaps stand/sit closer to him. Share a drink (you're going to kiss anyway). Find ways to be physical by accident (walking close, touching, laughing, etc).

[Anonymous]

OP here. I still stand by its weird. I knew him for almost a year before the pandemic. Never once asked to hang out alone or go out. The whole pandemic he never initiated any contact or asked to hang out. He is a friend of a friend and we don’t talk much. Then all of the sudden he asks me to hang out at his place. If it’s a date, why not ask me to go to dinner or something that doesn’t involve going to his apartment in the evening to hang out? He isn’t shy and had no issues with women since I’ve known him. I would assume he didn’t like me and decided not to make a move, but he asked me to hang out again.

[Anonymous]

Man here. I have done what he did a few times. I had different reasons for different women. In all of those situations I was somewhat interested but I wasn't sure I wanted a relationship and I liked the person too much to use her and dump her. In one case she also sent very mixed signals, so I was a little uncertain about what would happen, but I later figured out that I missed my chance. In a couple of others, I accidentally hurt the feelings of really nice and attractive women who more or less asked me to make a move and were embarrassed when I didn't. For one of them, I apologized 5 years later over breakfast, and we both had a good laugh. (We were both in relationships at that point.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I still stand by its weird. I knew him for almost a year before the pandemic. Never once asked to hang out alone or go out. The whole pandemic he never initiated any contact or asked to hang out. He is a friend of a friend and we don’t talk much. Then all of the sudden he asks me to hang out at his place. If it’s a date, why not ask me to go to dinner or something that doesn’t involve going to his apartment in the evening to hang out? He isn’t shy and had no issues with women since I’ve known him. I would assume he didn’t like me and decided not to make a move, but he asked me to hang out again.

It is strange to you because of what you are accustomed to. Your take is foreign to me, because of what I am accustomed to. You’ve received honest and meaningful feedback. Hopefully it isn’t wasted and you use thus opportunity to try something different than what you have been prone to accept. Good luck. He seems nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I still stand by its weird. I knew him for almost a year before the pandemic. Never once asked to hang out alone or go out. The whole pandemic he never initiated any contact or asked to hang out. He is a friend of a friend and we don’t talk much. Then all of the sudden he asks me to hang out at his place. If it’s a date, why not ask me to go to dinner or something that doesn’t involve going to his apartment in the evening to hang out? He isn’t shy and had no issues with women since I’ve known him. I would assume he didn’t like me and decided not to make a move, but he asked me to hang out again.

It is strange to you because of what you are accustomed to. Your take is foreign to me, because of what I am accustomed to. You’ve received honest and meaningful feedback. Hopefully it isn’t wasted and you use thus opportunity to try something different than what you have been prone to accept. Good luck. He seems nice.

OP here. What am I accustomed to? What have I been prone to accept? I said I don’t sleep around. I’ve only ever had sex with men I’ve been in relationship with, and the sex only happened after multiple dates. I’ve only been 4 me and I’m in my thirties. Sex usually happened on the date I went to his place. It’s not rocket science to think guy who I rarely know and never talk to wants sex if he invites me over to hang out. That’s not a date to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I still stand by its weird. I knew him for almost a year before the pandemic. Never once asked to hang out alone or go out. The whole pandemic he never initiated any contact or asked to hang out. He is a friend of a friend and we don’t talk much. Then all of the sudden he asks me to hang out at his place. If it’s a date, why not ask me to go to dinner or something that doesn’t involve going to his apartment in the evening to hang out? He isn’t shy and had no issues with women since I’ve known him. I would assume he didn’t like me and decided not to make a move, but he asked me to hang out again.

It is strange to you because of what you are accustomed to. Your take is foreign to me, because of what I am accustomed to. You’ve received honest and meaningful feedback. Hopefully it isn’t wasted and you use thus opportunity to try something different than what you have been prone to accept. Good luck. He seems nice.

OP here. What am I accustomed to? What have I been prone to accept? I said I don’t sleep around. I’ve only ever had sex with men I’ve been in relationship with, and the sex only happened after multiple dates. I’ve only been 4 me and I’m in my thirties. Sex usually happened on the date I went to his place. It’s not rocket science to think guy who I rarely know and never talk to wants sex if he invites me over to hang out. That’s not a date to me.

You seem to only associate a man’s casual acquaintance with some level of romance or dating interest. While most men do have an interest, rhwre is a lot of room for forging genuine connections otherwise if you’re open to it. I don’t care how many people you have been with or slept with it isn’t my business and I don’t judge. I do think that by the same token you shouldn’t judge this man by operating differently from those you usually interact with. Expand your experience. Men can be fragile and there are many of us who want their natural inclination encouraged, not discarded if it doesn’t work.

Of course you aren’t responsible for anyone but yourself so thus is not intended to put any blame or responsibility on you for how he reacts to your acceptance/rejection. My hope is that your aperture has opened a bit for exposure so you leave this thread with a broader perspective and not a very narrow theory that you need disproven in your mind. Good luck to both of you.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you didn't get laid when you went over there with those expectations. Some guys are just dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I still stand by its weird. I knew him for almost a year before the pandemic. Never once asked to hang out alone or go out. The whole pandemic he never initiated any contact or asked to hang out. He is a friend of a friend and we don’t talk much. Then all of the sudden he asks me to hang out at his place. If it’s a date, why not ask me to go to dinner or something that doesn’t involve going to his apartment in the evening to hang out? He isn’t shy and had no issues with women since I’ve known him. I would assume he didn’t like me and decided not to make a move, but he asked me to hang out again.

Use your words. You should have confirmed if it was a date or not. You should have made it known you weren't comfortable with Netflix & Chill. You should have asked for sex if that's what you wanted. Stop playing these juvenile games and acting like a helpless little girl, and then being mad at the outcome.

[Anonymous]

You had the expectation of sleeping with him.

The guy did nothing to make you believe this.

You didn't get laid and now your ego is bruised.

Instead of dealing with that you are trying to turn in around on the guy making it out to be that he did something wrong.


You are incredibly immature for 30 something.

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I still stand by its weird. I knew him for almost a year before the pandemic. Never once asked to hang out alone or go out. The whole pandemic he never initiated any contact or asked to hang out. He is a friend of a friend and we don’t talk much. Then all of the sudden he asks me to hang out at his place. If it’s a date, why not ask me to go to dinner or something that doesn’t involve going to his apartment in the evening to hang out? He isn’t shy and had no issues with women since I’ve known him. I would assume he didn’t like me and decided not to make a move, but he asked me to hang out again.

Use your words. You should have confirmed if it was a date or not. You should have made it known you weren't comfortable with Netflix & Chill. You should have asked for sex if that's what you wanted. Stop playing these juvenile games and acting like a helpless little girl, and then being mad at the outcome.

+1

OP, it just hit me (thanks to PP's phrasing), you're processing this situation as if you're insecure. Think back to your previous relationships, were you the one to start them or was he? In those relationships were you active, directing them or more passive in the development and direction of them? How was the communication in them?

He wants you in his life, in some form. The date night at his place you describe does sound a little weird to me too. He made the first move but I strongly suspect your passivity is giving him a cold signal. Decide what you want with this guy, friends/sex/relationship etc. then check if you're both on the same page by taking with him.