DH is frugal bordering on cheap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it going with the tutor? What makes you think school is better than 2-4 hours of one on one time?

OP here. It’s going well, our tutor is awesome. We were really lucky to find her, she’s a classroom teacher who didn’t want to go back this year. She says they are making good progress and keeping up. It is nice that she can work on “extra” skills that they don’t always have time for in school like grammar with our 3rd grader and note taking with our fifth grader. It’s just really hard to let go of what “should be” and trust that this is enough.

DH thinks it is enough, suffice it say.

[Anonymous]

NP. We left DC area for a UMC town in the south. Privates are $22-$30k (catholics are cheaper) and even with the snooty best school, they'll miraculously find a spot for you even during the first week of school. As OP said, so long as you have a check. Our publics went back in person this fall, but there was a hiccup right before school started where it wasn't clear if they might delay the start of the year, so i called the privates. This was in August 2020. They were all more than happy to call me back and encourage us to apply and that they could probably find "one more spot in the class". Living outside DC is a different beast.

That said, it's crazy expensive and your DH isn't "cheap" for not wanting this route. We stayed public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The timing of this complain doesn't make much sense. So you've been doing the 2 days in person, plus the tutor, for half the school year. Is it absolutely untenable? Are your kids miserable? If not, why not just stick it out for the remainder of the school year.

It's not even a money thing (or at least not exclusively). How would your kids feel about leaving their current schools and friends so that they can move to a new school, midyear, where they might not know anyone, might be behind or ahead of the curriculum, aren't involved in any extra-curricular, etc.? Unless your kids are having other issues that you aren't mentioning here, most elementary and middle school kids would rather get 2 days a week of school with their current friends than go to a brand new school 5 days a week.

I might feel differently if you had no in-person school at all. But you have 2 days, and the tutor seems like a good way to address the other days.

My husband is frugal bordering on cheap. What this means is that sometimes I have to argue him into doing take-out twice in the same week. Not wanting to spend tens of thousands of dollars for a half year of education that your kids might not even get any additional benefit from (and may actually really hate) isn't frugal or cheap. It's just reasonable.

Op here. I wouldn’t pull them this year, I’m talking about for next year.

I’ve been reading all the reports about schools not planning to open for 5 day instruction next year with great dismay.

Sounds like many are planning on offering hybrid at most.

While better than nothing, hybrid is clearly far from ideal.

But what do your kids think? How would they feel about switching schools for a year? I know DL and hybrid are disruptive, but so is changing schools for a year. Again, if your kids are having issues with the current set up, I might be on your side here. I wouldn't hesitate to send my kid to private 5-day school if there was a problem with hybrid that was causing noticeable academic or social or mental health problems. You have take care of your kids. But from what you've said, your kids are doing fine. So my inclination would be to stick it out, even if it means another full year of hybrid because I would not want to disrupt my kids yet again.

What if you switch, spend 70k, and one more of your kids absolutely hates the new school and is miserable? That is a very real possibility, especially if you're talking MS and upper elementary. It's not like younger kids. Consistency is really important at this stage.

OP here. They don’t want to switch of course. This is a real issue. However, I really think they need to be in school every day, especially the middle schooler. DH had to take over supervising his schoolwork because there have been many instances of him either actively lying to us about doing his work, doing a lazy/half assed job on it, forgetting to hit submit, forgetting to go to zoom classes, losing his work between the shuffle of home and school, and on and on. It’s been one thing after another with him, none of which would have happened without the pandemic and schools closing. There’s been a lot of stress in our family because we keep having these discoveries that he’s not doing his work or going to zoom class (yesterday’s discovery and what prompted my renewed desire for private school) and having to be on his case about it. Plus he’s becoming addicted to video games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it going with the tutor? What makes you think school is better than 2-4 hours of one on one time?

OP here. It’s going well, our tutor is awesome. We were really lucky to find her, she’s a classroom teacher who didn’t want to go back this year. She says they are making good progress and keeping up. It is nice that she can work on “extra” skills that they don’t always have time for in school like grammar with our 3rd grader and note taking with our fifth grader. It’s just really hard to let go of what “should be” and trust that this is enough.

DH thinks it is enough, suffice it say.

That has nothing to do with being cheap. Your kids are keeping up with the material. You have a great tutor. Your husband thinks the existing situation is working pretty well. You agree, but are worried about...something. Don't frame this as him being cheap, or him not valuing education or caring about the kids, because then you make the disagreement into an existential fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Private schools by and large or a complete waste of money if the public school system is halfway decent or more and the parents stay involved. It all starts in the home.

Normally I would agree and that’s why we never pursued private in the first place. However, with school now only being open 2 days a week, I feel that anything that is 5 days must be better.

I don’t feel confident that public will be open fully next year. Kids 12 and under won’t be vaccinated. We know this for sure. So that’s a big problem for elementary school. I don’t even know how they will be able to open the middle school completely since it includes sixth grade and kids under 12. Won’t they continue to say hybrid is needed for social distancing?

So you're one of those rabidly pro-in-person people, OP?

You're actually willing to severely disrupt your financial ecosystem in the mistaken belief that in-person for an extra half-year, or whatever it will be, is worth it, even though instruction from a dubious private might be subpar compared to the public school?

I don't know what to tell you. You've got the ideal situation here with tutoring. No private school will give you what you have right now.

I don’t know where you are getting that I am rabid about anything g.

Yes I worry about the effect on my kids of only school days a week for 2 years. Who wouldn’t?! Esp if you know for a fact you can afford something better.

I genuinely don’t understand why he doesn’t worry about this.

Because many of us understand that virtual is fine.

More days in person is not better if the instruction isn’t as good, or if means there is more viral spread or if you’re not in good financial shape for it.

You husband is one of millions who don’t worry about it! There is nothing to worry about if your public is good.

[Anonymous]

You’re having a little tantrum because the pandemic is an unprecedented, stress-inducing event.

After you’ve calmed down, you’ll see your husband is right about schools. Not saying he’s right about the other stuff...

[Anonymous]

OK... so you need to stop and re-read what you wrote, OP.

Everything points to the fact that your situation is better than anything private could give.

Plesse seek professional help if you often have these emotional issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it going with the tutor? What makes you think school is better than 2-4 hours of one on one time?

OP here. It’s going well, our tutor is awesome. We were really lucky to find her, she’s a classroom teacher who didn’t want to go back this year. She says they are making good progress and keeping up. It is nice that she can work on “extra” skills that they don’t always have time for in school like grammar with our 3rd grader and note taking with our fifth grader. It’s just really hard to let go of what “should be” and trust that this is enough.

DH thinks it is enough, suffice it say.

Will she do more hours? My kids are at in-person private 5 days a week and I'd consider the tutor an equivalent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it going with the tutor? What makes you think school is better than 2-4 hours of one on one time?

OP here. It’s going well, our tutor is awesome. We were really lucky to find her, she’s a classroom teacher who didn’t want to go back this year. She says they are making good progress and keeping up. It is nice that she can work on “extra” skills that they don’t always have time for in school like grammar with our 3rd grader and note taking with our fifth grader. It’s just really hard to let go of what “should be” and trust that this is enough.

DH thinks it is enough, suffice it say.

That has nothing to do with being cheap. Your kids are keeping up with the material. You have a great tutor. Your husband thinks the existing situation is working pretty well. You agree, but are worried about...something. Don't frame this as him being cheap, or him not valuing education or caring about the kids, because then you make the disagreement into an existential fight.

Yes it has to do with his long term pattern of being cheap and now it is extending to our kids’ educations.

What is the point of saving money if not to spend it during a crisis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it going with the tutor? What makes you think school is better than 2-4 hours of one on one time?

OP here. It’s going well, our tutor is awesome. We were really lucky to find her, she’s a classroom teacher who didn’t want to go back this year. She says they are making good progress and keeping up. It is nice that she can work on “extra” skills that they don’t always have time for in school like grammar with our 3rd grader and note taking with our fifth grader. It’s just really hard to let go of what “should be” and trust that this is enough.

DH thinks it is enough, suffice it say.

Will she do more hours? My kids are at in-person private 5 days a week and I'd consider the tutor an equivalent.

OP here. I’ve asked her about this but she thinks it might burn them out. That too much focused one-on-one can become a drag. Right now they’re each getting 2 hours or a little more for the younger one.

It’s hard because in school, you can take breaks and there are specials/lunch/recess that break up the day. You can’t really do that with a tutor who needs to chunk their time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it going with the tutor? What makes you think school is better than 2-4 hours of one on one time?

4 hours? Our math tutor is $85/hr, that would work out to $12k per kid per school year. Might as well go private.

[Anonymous]

A new, expensive school is not the way to fix a disorganized and defiant teen. You say your middle schooler forgets and lies and fights with you about school. Work on that instead. Otherwise, force marching him to school every day isn’t going to suddenly make learning fun. Also, forget the fights about video games right now. It’s a pandemic and they can’t go anywhere so every child in the country is doing that right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it going with the tutor? What makes you think school is better than 2-4 hours of one on one time?

OP here. It’s going well, our tutor is awesome. We were really lucky to find her, she’s a classroom teacher who didn’t want to go back this year. She says they are making good progress and keeping up. It is nice that she can work on “extra” skills that they don’t always have time for in school like grammar with our 3rd grader and note taking with our fifth grader. It’s just really hard to let go of what “should be” and trust that this is enough.

DH thinks it is enough, suffice it say.

Will she do more hours? My kids are at in-person private 5 days a week and I'd consider the tutor an equivalent.

OP here. I’ve asked her about this but she thinks it might burn them out. That too much focused one-on-one can become a drag. Right now they’re each getting 2 hours or a little more for the younger one.

It’s hard because in school, you can take breaks and there are specials/lunch/recess that break up the day. You can’t really do that with a tutor who needs to chunk their time with you.

I think she is right having done a LMB 2 hour program. (PP here). If they get that much one on one, what you are doing is just fine. I would not do in person just based on the cost.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like he provides for your family very well. I'm sorry you feel so insulted by his ability to protect your family's future wealth. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:private school is a luxury. even catholic school is going to be 30k a year unless your are an active parishioner and attend in parish.

This is not true. It is can be 18k-22k for two kids in non Catholic. I am paying 15k for two kids for a private Christian school this year in NoVa