DH is frugal bordering on cheap

[Anonymous]

My H is very frugal. Normally this is a good thing. It means we live below our means and we have great savings.

But sometimes it is annoying, especially when he refuses to hire out any household chores. We don’t have any household help with cleaning, lawn care, painting, etc.

This is annoying but I can live with it I guess. However, what is really bothering me is this issue with the kids’ school. I wanted to put them in private school this year because public is hybrid and only in session 2 days a week. He is very against this, as we have 3 kids and it would be expensive. In our area, it runs from 15-30k depending on school year. We have 2 in elementary and 1 in middle school. We ended up compromising by hiring a tutor to come for 4 hours, 3 days a week, to work with the 2 elementary kids on their distance learning assignments. He has taken over supervising the middle schooler.

It’s going ok but it’s not ideal. Ideal would be 5 day in person. Now we’re coming up on the second year of this and the district/state has said nothing about opening fully next year. I’m worried about another year of hybrid school. What can I say to get him to realize how bad this is? We have the money to put them in private. He just doesn’t think it is “worth it.” We do have a great public school but it is only open 2 days a week with no promises about next year. He is betting on it opening but I’m not convinced. It’s possible our oldest will be vaccinated by then (he’ll be 13 and in 8th grade next year) but if the younger kids aren’t, how can they open fully? I’m sure they’ll say they need to continue the social distancing/hybrid schedule.

What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Start applying now and figure it out after they get in.

[Anonymous]

You both need to have an honest talk about the pros/cons of private school - AND which private schools (parachiol schools are cheaper for example) as they vary in affordability/sibling discount, and FA help (sliding scale, etc.).

Also, talk with him about how somethings are priceless -the social aspect, being in person 5/days a week, your mental health, the kids' mental health, etc.

And you could save $$ b/c you would nix the tutor 4x/week.

RE: spending $$ on hiring someone for household chores, lawn care, handyman stuff...eh, that is paying for convenience. How much is your time worth? Is it more of a luxery or essential?

[Anonymous]

He's right, if you're in a great public school system (aside from pandemic). It's stupid to pay for private then wonder about putting them back in public, or worse, continue wasting your money because now they've made friends and don't want to return.

Trust me, you'll be happy you saved the money when college rolls around. You'll be paying 50K a year per kid!!!

Tutors are a great idea. They would have that individual attention in a private school, so it's a better use of your money.

[Anonymous]

Well what is your financial situation? Can you really afford it without having to stretch?

[Anonymous]

Private schools by and large or a complete waste of money if the public school system is halfway decent or more and the parents stay involved. It all starts in the home.

[Anonymous]

I would sort of be your husband in this scenario, but I wonder if you could just approach it as “okay, I see where you are coming from, and I we don’t send the private if that’s what you really want, but can you look at these forums in DC urban mom about the good experiences people had with private school?”

Or, does he have any podcasters or journalists he respects who would also say private school is best? It’s annoying but I know that sometimes I need to hear something from somebody whose opinion I respect *and* is more objective about the situation.

And I hope this doesn’t come across as condescending, but public or private, your kids will be okay. They will be less okay if this causes a big rift in your marriage and they have to live with tension or parents who don’t respect each other.

[Anonymous]

Not spending 15-20k/year on private school is not frugal or cheap. Idiot.

[Anonymous]

Three kids, average of $25k a year on private school = $75k. Which means ~$110k pre-tax income.

Do you contribute at least $110k to the HHI? Or are you basically asking your DH to work more (whether now, or whether by delaying retirement) to send kids to private? Knowing of course that once they go for a year, they will probably stay.

That's a ton of money and not a decision to be made lightly, or one that should be disregarded as being "cheap".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both need to have an honest talk about the pros/cons of private school - AND which private schools (parachiol schools are cheaper for example) as they vary in affordability/sibling discount, and FA help (sliding scale, etc.).

Also, talk with him about how somethings are priceless -the social aspect, being in person 5/days a week, your mental health, the kids' mental health, etc.

And you could save $$ b/c you would nix the tutor 4x/week.

RE: spending $$ on hiring someone for household chores, lawn care, handyman stuff...eh, that is paying for convenience. How much is your time worth? Is it more of a luxery or essential?

it's too late for next year at this point

[Anonymous]

I think you're all of a sudden trying to make this a bigger thing than it is - that your husband is "cheap" and this is a pervasive problem.

It sounds like the reality is, you disagree on this one, very expensive, decision. I would focus your attention on the merits of that rather than trying to dismiss your husband as cheap.

He has good points, you have good points. When is the deadline to decide on private school? Seems like the biggest X factor on this is whether public school will be 5 days a week next year, and we might have a lot more info on that before you need to make this decision. "Wait and see" might be the best bet.

[Anonymous]

Consider a cheaper private school - Catholic or parochial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private schools by and large or a complete waste of money if the public school system is halfway decent or more and the parents stay involved. It all starts in the home.

Normally I would agree and that’s why we never pursued private in the first place. However, with school now only being open 2 days a week, I feel that anything that is 5 days must be better.

I don’t feel confident that public will be open fully next year. Kids 12 and under won’t be vaccinated. We know this for sure. So that’s a big problem for elementary school. I don’t even know how they will be able to open the middle school completely since it includes sixth grade and kids under 12. Won’t they continue to say hybrid is needed for social distancing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Private schools by and large or a complete waste of money if the public school system is halfway decent or more and the parents stay involved. It all starts in the home.

Normally I would agree and that’s why we never pursued private in the first place. However, with school now only being open 2 days a week, I feel that anything that is 5 days must be better.

I don’t feel confident that public will be open fully next year. Kids 12 and under won’t be vaccinated. We know this for sure. So that’s a big problem for elementary school. I don’t even know how they will be able to open the middle school completely since it includes sixth grade and kids under 12. Won’t they continue to say hybrid is needed for social distancing?

So you're one of those rabidly pro-in-person people, OP?

You're actually willing to severely disrupt your financial ecosystem in the mistaken belief that in-person for an extra half-year, or whatever it will be, is worth it, even though instruction from a dubious private might be subpar compared to the public school?

I don't know what to tell you. You've got the ideal situation here with tutoring. No private school will give you what you have right now.

[Anonymous]

private school is a luxury. even catholic school is going to be 30k a year unless your are an active parishioner and attend in parish.