When 4 yr old won’t eat what’s for dinner

[Anonymous]

We cook what we want, but keep our kid’s tastes in mind the same way we do for adult members of the family (i.e. my spouse and I also don’t cook things the other one hates). My kid often likes to try foods without them being mixed up in a sauce, so we frequently keep a sample of the components separate and she will eat them on their own. For example, she will eat turkey meatballs and pasta separately and dip them into tomato sauce, but she’s not into a big bowl with all ingredients mixed. She’ll also eat all components of a salad if they are in separate piles on her plate and she can dip into dressing on her own. This is especially true with new foods—she likes to see what she’s eating and understand how each component tastes. She also wants to be able to take a small bite to confirm that she likes something before taking a big bite.

If she’s hungry after dinner, she may always have plain Greek yogurt and fruit in addition to a small dessert. Sometimes we say things like “try two more bites or carrots before you leave the table,” but she’s free to say “no thank you” if she doesn’t want them. She’s a pretty good eater. She would definitely eat only Mac and cheese if she were in charge, but she almost always has a reasonable amount of what we serve and if she truly doesn’t like something, she can always have yogurt after dinner. Oh, and one more suggestion—sometimes she need a gateway drug to get her to the table in a good mood. We will put a few crackers on her plate, which she loves, so she’ll run to the table, eat those, and then just start eating the other stuff distractedly while we talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ cont...

Or if it is fine and not worth the dinner power struggle to refuse to give her anything but what is actually for dinner.

Again, I think it depends on you. In some families a bowl of cereal with a banana is a great dinner. Especially if it’s fortified many people will say well you got your vitamins and calcium there — win.

It depends on your priorities. For us, food is health. I’m in the let them fuss and then let them know this is what’s for dinner camp. We cook a big variety of things for health reasons. Kids are growing and sometimes if they don’t eat right they end up with GI issues. Unfortunately I know many parents who said oh, I don’t believe in my kid not having a choice and now their kid has chronic constipation. How is getting compacted stool cleaned out or having it constantly leaking out the kid’s choice? Food is not just health, it’s social. I don’t want to be bringing a kid to other people’s houses who refuses the food or is rude. But for some parents this is a lot about choice and autonomy, so I don’t think there is one right way. You have to just decide what is important for your family.

[Anonymous]

We've had a ton of food battles with my 5 year old. We are doing SO much better, some of which is maturity and some is holding firm and being consistent.

1. Cook family meals, including safe foods. We had stir fry chicken and broccoli last night. At peak pickiness she would have had rice and maybe steamed broccoli, no chicken. Maybe would have "served" yogurt to everyone so she got the chance to choose that instead of chicken for protein. Then I would have cooked her portion separately without the marinade or sauce, but she still would have had the same ingredients plain. Now I marinate the chicken, cook it separately, and add the sauce in last - so she gets marinated chicken and broccoli without the extra sauce. Future goal is everyone gets the same exact thing with the same preparation and amount of sauce. But slowly and steady progress without giving her something special that's not on the "family" menu.

2. If it's something I know she likes that she's being stubborn with, we do the age in bites thing too. I know they say not to bribe with dessert or a screen (ahem, we've done that too), but I'm not Super Woman and sometimes a bribe is a quick way to break a stubborn stalemate and get her trying something.

3. Starting around 4.5 or so, we started talking about how not all foods we eat are always our favorites, but we eat them anyways. If that works well, you can specify foods you really dislike from those that you just don't prefer, and acknowledge that tastes change, but it's okay not to try something you know you genuinely don't like right now. This is a maturity thing and does not work with younger kids. They are just too rigid thinkers to appreciate the nuance and actually change their behavior based on that.

It's definitely easier to just make separate kid friendly meals for your kids, be that nuggets from the start or cereal when the meal is rejected. No judgment as long as your kid is eating a well balanced diet (for regular kid pickiness, not talking about kids with genuine sensory issues or medical condition level aversions), but we have an only and want a kid that can eat what's offered when we're travelling and eating out, so it's a hill we're willing to die on.

[Anonymous]

I have a child with SN and I cooked him separate meals when he was younger.

Now, he eats 80 percent of what we eat at age 18. The other 20 percent he's allergic to.

He really couldn't tolerate the textures when he was younger. Using chaining helped get him to a more adult palate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you not offer anything else? Only what is for dinner.

Do you let them have something else that doesn’t require cooking?

Wondering what the best was to handle this is. My 4 yr old pretty regularly refuses to what I cooked for dinner. She will say instead she wants a banana, or a bowl of cereal (not sugary kind), or some blueberries. Ive been ok with this because I felt it was just a phase but it has been going on a while now. She eats well the rest of the day. I have two older kids and they eat what I cook mostly. I really don’t remember what they did at this age. I’m pretty sure they went through a picky phase as some point too.

I put a meal on the table. I make sure I include things that I know my kids are willing to eat, although they might not be their favorite or something exciting to them, and then they are limited to what's on the table.

Or I might serve lentil soup, bread, salad, and milk. One kid might just eat bread and milk and I'd be fine with that. But I wouldn't serve lentil soup, salad, and grapefruit juice.

This is exactly what we do. I pretty much always have a plain carb with butter + milk available.

Also, if they say nothing looks good and they complain, I try to be sympathetic. I say something like: "Oh, I'm sorry nothing looks appetizing to you tonight honey." but I don't budge.

[Anonymous]

To the people that do zero subs:

What do you say when 1-2 hrs after dinner they ask for cereal or a piece of bread with peanut butter or a fruit? Do you still say no, your dinner is in the frig?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ cont...

Or if it is fine and not worth the dinner power struggle to refuse to give her anything but what is actually for dinner.

I'm not sure it matters either way honestly (I'm the pp with the 4 year old). I don't have a super rigid approach to this situation. I usually tell my 4 year old that there won't be any snacks after dinner (which frequently works to get her eating the main dish after the fruit is gone), sometimes if there is a dessert or treat she wants or we are planning to have, we say she has to try some of each item on the plate to have a balanced meal before the dessert (which she will happily do at that point, though we also say its fine to choose not eat she just can't have the dessert either), and sometimes, if she has tried the dinner and it's too spicy (rare, but it happens) I'll just let her pick an option that doesn't make work for us (so the healthy cereal your kid asks for would be fine, as would cheese and crackers, or whatever). I mainly want her to eat a reasonably balanced dinner with a fruit/veg, a carb, and a protein and healthy fat so she doesn't wake up starving.

[Anonymous]

We don’t cook separate meals, but I try to be conscious of what our 4 year old will eat and won’t. She will generally eat other things on the table, but I know she won’t eat “mixed” things. I can either make them unmixed (sometimes a PITA), or offer her something else. We always offer the “real” meal or the alternative - eg. Frittata with spinach (mixed) or a poached egg.

If she expresses disgust, I have no qualms about offering a “safe” option (plain yogurt, scrambled eggs, cereal, etc.). For us, it’s rare, and she always tries what we’re eating. She’s little still, and will eat most of what’s on the menu, or on the table. I trust her to guide us so she has healthy options. So far we haven’t gone astray., we always have crudités out at dinner, and she has never fought those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don’t cook separate meals, but I try to be conscious of what our 4 year old will eat and won’t. She will generally eat other things on the table, but I know she won’t eat “mixed” things. I can either make them unmixed (sometimes a PITA), or offer her something else. We always offer the “real” meal or the alternative - eg. Frittata with spinach (mixed) or a poached egg.

If she expresses disgust, I have no qualms about offering a “safe” option (plain yogurt, scrambled eggs, cereal, etc.). For us, it’s rare, and she always tries what we’re eating. She’s little still, and will eat most of what’s on the menu, or on the table. I trust her to guide us so she has healthy options. So far we haven’t gone astray., we always have crudités out at dinner, and she has never fought those.

I'm confused by what "cooking separate meals" means to you, if it doesn't mean poaching or scrambling an egg.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do that, but when you picture people who make "separate meals", what are you picturing, because to me, when I hear that, I'm picturing scrambling an egg or making a bowl of cereal.

[Anonymous]

For dinner, no I don’t serve an alternative. But I do look at meals to see whether they are balanced and have at least some elements we all like. We eat early, around 5,5:30. Around 6,6:30 we have dessert either a family or just DS. Sometimes it’s cookies and milk, often it’s just a banana with pb or a bit of Greek yogurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For dinner, no I don’t serve an alternative. But I do look at meals to see whether they are balanced and have at least some elements we all like. We eat early, around 5,5:30. Around 6,6:30 we have dessert either a family or just DS. Sometimes it’s cookies and milk, often it’s just a banana with pb or a bit of Greek yogurt.

Greek yogurt is dessert?

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old went through this a few months ago and we'd both try to serve one thing she liked (she likes veggies, so that's easy). If the kids are hungry before bed, they're allowed to eat fruit or yogurt. Now 4 year old has moved on to "I want everything separated" <-- deconstructed tacos, anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the people that do zero subs:

What do you say when 1-2 hrs after dinner they ask for cereal or a piece of bread with peanut butter or a fruit? Do you still say no, your dinner is in the frig?

Yes. My kids don't ask though, they know what the answer is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don’t cook separate meals, but I try to be conscious of what our 4 year old will eat and won’t. She will generally eat other things on the table, but I know she won’t eat “mixed” things. I can either make them unmixed (sometimes a PITA), or offer her something else. We always offer the “real” meal or the alternative - eg. Frittata with spinach (mixed) or a poached egg.

If she expresses disgust, I have no qualms about offering a “safe” option (plain yogurt, scrambled eggs, cereal, etc.). For us, it’s rare, and she always tries what we’re eating. She’s little still, and will eat most of what’s on the menu, or on the table. I trust her to guide us so she has healthy options. So far we haven’t gone astray., we always have crudités out at dinner, and she has never fought those.

I'm confused by what "cooking separate meals" means to you, if it doesn't mean poaching or scrambling an egg.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do that, but when you picture people who make "separate meals", what are you picturing, because to me, when I hear that, I'm picturing scrambling an egg or making a bowl of cereal.

If we are having frittata, and I know she won’t eat the mixture of spinach / eggs because she is still freaked out by certain mixtures, I scramble an egg. We are all having eggs. It’s not that big of a deal to scramble an egg. Our eggs go in one bowl with the spinach, hers goes into another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the people that do zero subs:

What do you say when 1-2 hrs after dinner they ask for cereal or a piece of bread with peanut butter or a fruit? Do you still say no, your dinner is in the frig?

I allow it as a snack separate from dinner.