Any way to send a family newsletter in our Christmas card without sounding like jerks?

[Anonymous]

I'd keep the update short, with warm greetings, like several people have recommended. Longer isn't going to counteract any of the claims your mom is making (mentally ill/delusional/evil/cruel/vindictive/drug addict). Anyone who thinks you're lying will see more detail as more delusion.

I'd also add a handwritten note with personal greetings to those you know. "Hi Sally! Every summer I think of you the fun we had fishing with Grandpa! Hope you and yours are well."

[Anonymous]

I am probably in the majority who love getting these updates in holiday cards instead of just a picture. So go ahead and do it! But - keep it to 4 sentences, not paragraphs. "This has been a tough and challenging year for everyone but I hope our card finds you in good health. On our end, spouse and I both changed jobs and enjoyed getting to spend more time together working from home. Also, we got a puppy! He's adorable but a handful. Hope to see you in 2021."

Lighthearted but "normal" will probably do as much or more to dispel the rumors than a rambling narrative, not that there's probably anything much you can really do. (Any long narrative will be perceived as "rambling" even if you're a good writer.)

[Anonymous]

Do a photo card with space for multiple photos on the back. Under each one write the relevant caption. "PhD for Bob", "A big move", etc.

If you aren't in touch with distant relatives who cares what they think. Focus on the people around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are an MD and DH is a PHD and your family member is making things up why feel a need to combat it at all? My mother is delusional so I know what I’m talking about here- live your life without any consideration for what this person is saying. You are not the only person they are making up stories about. Write a family letter ONLY if YOU WANT to.

+1 I actually like getting the newsletters but you should realize that if you're a Ph.D./MD family with young kids people already know that the family crackpot is talking nonsense when she says you're a drug addict that she supports financially. There's nothing to combat on that front so I'd just try to forget it entirely.

Op here. You would think that but there are many people in the family who are definitely unsure of what to believe and sort of believe that I am a crazy mean abusive mentally ill person. In my case it’s my mother who is the family member spreading the rumors, she’s been doing it for many years, she’s rich, charming, and charismatic and even if people don’t literally believe I’m in prison, I think they think where there’s smoke there’s fire. I’ve been ostracized from 3/4ths of the family because of her lies. It’s a campaign that has spanned over a decade on her part and predated my marriage, education, career, etc. I think it was easy to believe when I was in my early 20s. I’m in my mid 30s now but don’t have a lot of contact with most of the family so I don’t think they really know much about my life.

OP I am the first pp and my mother also has delusional disorder and has also irreparably harmed my relationship with much of my family, in her own way. My own mother is highly intelligent and manipulative and sows destruction wherever she goes, and is very threatened by any relationships I have with other people so she tries to destroy them. And she has enablers. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this and I just want you to know other people are in your boat. In a way, it is healthy that you want to rebuild these relationships with your family outside of your mother’s influence. On the other hand, you are spending all this time and energy reacting to your mother’s habit of destroying relationships. Haven’t you spent enough time on that? I have. I think this is a problem that requires discussion with a therapist, not a family Christmas letter, honestly. I don’t have any advice, just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

I like the ones that are short and contain substantive info about the kids or adults. I like to know which of my friends kids are into theater or soccer or obsessed with Star Wars.
I have one relative that sends one of those Shutterfly multi page card with a summary that sounds like a college application ... “We were blessed to spend spring break in the Carribean again, and decided we loved Italy so much last time that we returned there for summer vacation! Larlo’s travel soccer team did so well that they were invited to tour Germany and of course I had to volunteer to chaperone! Karla has given up soccer to focus on her beloved theater and was chosen to play the lead in a community production of Cabaret as well as her school production of Beauty and the Beast. We are so proud!”
Don’t be that person and you’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

lol a Christmas letter is NOT going to help those rumors. It’ll just make you look passive aggressive and defensive to those who have heard the rumors.

The way to not sound like a jerk on Christmas letters is to NOT mention professional or financial success. Keep it funny and light and devoid of humble brags. I think that would help you more.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP! I am wondering if you have written a draft letter yet? If not, I think that writing one might help you sort out your feelings about it. Write it, set it aside, read it again, and think about who you're trying to reach and what you're trying to accomplish. Also, having written one, is it something you feel you want to keep up each year, or just this year? Anyway, after you've written it and thought it through, you can decide if you want to send it.

I am not against Christmas letters. My uncle has included one in his cards for many years, maybe 30+ years. I save and treasure them, actually. His Christmas letter works, in spite of the fact that he is very rich and fancy, because he is a brilliant, funny and self-deprecating writer. He includes both the good and bad, so over the years, he has written about his child being receiving a terrible diagnosis, for example, among other things like his family's travel. The letter makes me laugh and cry every year. I read it out loud to my family -- it's a tradition. So anyway, I think there's a way to do a really great Christmas letter or even just a fine one.

I am really sorry about your mother. I have a similar mother and I empathize strongly. It sounds like you cut off contact with her, is that correct? If the letter gets into her hands, or if other relatives discuss it with her, that might trigger her into a whole new round of crazy, right? So it could backfire. Who are these people who you hope to sway? Do you have real relationships with them? Maybe let them go. Remember it's "not your business what other people think about you." Even if it's based on lies. I would hope you could really truly detach from that and build your own family/friend group and never worry about your mom's again. Look at your Christmas card list. Who really needs to be on it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Happy Holidays! 2020 has been full of changes for us. Bob earned his Ph.D and he and I both have switched jobs. We also moved to Whoville this summer so we have been navigating a new house, new schools and new jobs. We are grateful to be healthy and adjusting well to our new hometown. We miss you all and hope to see you in person in 2021."

+1

Short and sweet, OP. No over the top proclamations, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP! I am wondering if you have written a draft letter yet? If not, I think that writing one might help you sort out your feelings about it. Write it, set it aside, read it again, and think about who you're trying to reach and what you're trying to accomplish. Also, having written one, is it something you feel you want to keep up each year, or just this year? Anyway, after you've written it and thought it through, you can decide if you want to send it.

I am not against Christmas letters. My uncle has included one in his cards for many years, maybe 30+ years. I save and treasure them, actually. His Christmas letter works, in spite of the fact that he is very rich and fancy, because he is a brilliant, funny and self-deprecating writer. He includes both the good and bad, so over the years, he has written about his child being receiving a terrible diagnosis, for example, among other things like his family's travel. The letter makes me laugh and cry every year. I read it out loud to my family -- it's a tradition. So anyway, I think there's a way to do a really great Christmas letter or even just a fine one.

I am really sorry about your mother. I have a similar mother and I empathize strongly. It sounds like you cut off contact with her, is that correct? If the letter gets into her hands, or if other relatives discuss it with her, that might trigger her into a whole new round of crazy, right? So it could backfire. Who are these people who you hope to sway? Do you have real relationships with them? Maybe let them go. Remember it's "not your business what other people think about you." Even if it's based on lies. I would hope you could really truly detach from that and build your own family/friend group and never worry about your mom's again. Look at your Christmas card list. Who really needs to be on it?

x100000

Excellent post. Take heed, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the ones that are short and contain substantive info about the kids or adults. I like to know which of my friends kids are into theater or soccer or obsessed with Star Wars.
I have one relative that sends one of those Shutterfly multi page card with a summary that sounds like a college application ... “We were blessed to spend spring break in the Carribean again, and decided we loved Italy so much last time that we returned there for summer vacation! Larlo’s travel soccer team did so well that they were invited to tour Germany and of course I had to volunteer to chaperone! Karla has given up soccer to focus on her beloved theater and was chosen to play the lead in a community production of Cabaret as well as her school production of Beauty and the Beast. We are so proud!”
Don’t be that person and you’ll be fine.

x100000

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine to send the letter, but don't delude yourself that this isn't indeed mostly in reaction to the rumors. You know it, we know it, they'll know it.

[Anonymous]

Here's my take on these things, OP.

Personally, if I know you well enough, then I know all of these things about you. If I never see you but once a year or less, and we never speak, I think this type of thing is a little humblebraggy.

Just my two cents, and YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine. Frame it as your family having some big changes this year -- PhD, job changes, moving, Larla started walking and Larlo learned how to do a headstand -- and don't worry about addressing rumors or whatever.

+1 I think it is a great start. If you can try to include some pictures of the kids because pictures of kids always make me stop and read the letter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It helps to add some witty comments and keep it light hearted...otherwise you might come across as bragging and smug.

" Jim got his PHD ("Piled High and Deeper") in aeroenginerring writing ad naseem about the Thermodynamic of Something-or-other (shhhhh, dont tell him I said that). If you ever find yourself trying to fix XYZ of a jet engine, give Jim a call".

....or something to that nature

DP. And I find that kind of pithy self-deprecating commentary to be almost patronizing and very counterproductive. As in "we're doing so well that I'm don't want you to feel bad" which always makes me think the person is hiding something.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend write a family recipe for their newsletter and it was so cute. It was the size of a postcard and side A had the family picture and side B said something like “smith family recipe for a wonderful year”
One Big move to new state!
One baby Sara born
365 days of hugs and snuggles
5 rounds of chemo - now cancer free!
1 new school for Sam



Etc etc etc it was a cute way to update the family but not in a newsletter.