S/O Is it rude to tell my MIL she can't look at my phone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other thread about inlaws dropping by unannounced has me thinking about this incident with my MIL from last year that really upset her. Curious on other people's takes.

I had taken a bunch of photos of my DD doing something, I can't remember what, and was showing them to DH and his family (MIL, FIL, BIL, and his aunt). Mostly I was just showing a couple that were really funny by holding my phone up, but since it was a bigger group, I handed my phone around so people could see better.

Well phone gets to my MIL and she goes through all the photos of DD but then just keeps going. I kind of laughed and said, "Ok, looks like your done" and went to take my phone back. She pulls it away from me and says, "No, I want to look through the others." And won't give the phone back to me.

Now, it's not like I have nudes on my phone or anything (though I could, and there's nothing wrong with that, for the record), but the minute she was demanding to go through them I felt soooo violated. Even if it was just dumb selfies that I hadn't deleted yet or screen grabs of memes that I texted to friends, it felt extremely personal and weird for my MIL to think that was fair game. I got very serious and told her I wanted my phone back, and DH also told her to give it back, and she did. But she still brings it up, like it was super weird of me not to want her looking through my phone and that it's evidence I must of questionable or embarrassing things on there. It's made me very wary of her and now I wonder if she snoops through our house when she visits, or through our luggage when we visit (pre-Covid, we have not seen her in person since March).

So, what says DCUM? Did I overreact or was MIL being a nosy b?

She's right.. you did not want her looking because of the embarrassing thing you admitted this herself.


PPs are right that this is likely just a generational thing. You've been given a perfect script for how to address it


Lastly, it just seems like you don't like your mother in law. It seems like she's trying to cultivate a girlfriend type of relationship with you, and you don't want that. It's fine not to want that, but it doesn't make her a creepy snoop either.

[Anonymous]

I have lots of photos of dodgy stuff including body parts so it would be a problem for me. I don't let others scroll through my phone for this very reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had once shown a co-worker a photo of my kids on my phone and then he for some reason swiped -- I'm positive it was just without thinking -- and there was a "glam" selfie of me in a mirror that I took to text new mascara to a friend. It was nothing risqué, but it was funny to see the "deer stuck in headlights" look on his face as he realized that he could have swiped to something more personal. I gently took my phone back from his frozen hands and we never discussed it LOL.

Back to your post, I agree with everyone else that your MIL was in the wrong. It also took me a SUPER LONG time as a young adult occasionally visiting home and having my laptop open to get my own mother out of the habit of just coming up and looking at my screen.

I had a friend who used to do this with my phone all the time. We'd be at a party or getting coffee and I'd pull out my phone to send a text or look something up, and she would just instinctively look at the screen.

The looking was annoying but I get that it might have been instinctive. But what really irked me was that she would then feel like it was okay to interrogate me about what she'd see. Numerous times she'd see something on one of my social media apps for instance, and feel like it was okay to start asking me about it -- stuff like why I was looking at a certain person's profile photo or whatever. It really crossed a line from normal curiosity to straight up invasive. Just because she's super nosy and can't keep her eyes to herself does not mean I need to explain anything. A true MYOB moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Glad to know I'm not alone in thinking this is nuts.

I agree it was partly just a generational misunderstanding on her part. However, she has always been really nosy about my life and not just as it relates to my kids or even my marriage. Like she regularly asks me really nosy questions about my obstetric health, my job, my friends, and my own family. I always deflect -- it's just how she is and I'm used to it by now (and my DH always backs me up, though he does encourage me to go easy on her). But I think part of the reason it made me think that she's nosing around other places is because she consistently refuses to acknowledge my privacy or discomfort around a topic. The fact that she'd just go cruising through the photos on my phone (which, for the record, neither her sister or husband chose to do -- they are the same age and seemed to understand implicitly that you don't just go flipping all the way through) does make me wonder in what other ways is she breezing right past conventional boundaries on the hunt for info about my life.

I just wanted to flag this. She sounds nosy, and it’s clear you don’t like her, but asking about your job, friends, and family seem like normal friendly overtures to me. If she didn’t ask you about yourself, wouldn’t you feel overlooked? (I’ll give you obstetric health—that’s invasive if you aren’t close).

I had a tough relationship with my MIL so I get your feelings, but it helped me to keep thinking, during MIL’s visits, “if my own mom said this, would I still respond this way?” Because it is easy to get tetchy and overreact to behaviors and comments you would shrug off if they came from someone you liked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She just doesn't understand - she thinks of it as a photo album she's looking at digitally. We think of it as "but I talked to Alicia about my period!" and "I have a copy of that meme with the f-bomb on there!" and "my banking info is there!"

She was wrong. She's not exactly a nosy bitch. You and DH did not overreact.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She just wanted to see your pictures. Stand down.

No, F her. BOUNDARIES!

You're fine, OP. She is a classless imbecile. I guess the silver lining here is that your DH stood up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were right, your DH and you handled it perfectly. I understand why you felt the way you felt.

However, I think this is a bit of a generational difference here. She probably thought it was the equivalent of being allowed to look through a couple of hard copy photos that were placed in a stack of (what she probably assumed only included photos of grandkids), then having the stack abruptly taken away from her. I don’t know that people her age get that people our age take photos of all kinds of stuff and that the photo folder is a private space. I’d never flip through someone else’s photos - I’d be scared to find a nude. Lol.

It’s this. I actually had no idea that people considered this rude until relatively recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Glad to know I'm not alone in thinking this is nuts.

I agree it was partly just a generational misunderstanding on her part. However, she has always been really nosy about my life and not just as it relates to my kids or even my marriage. Like she regularly asks me really nosy questions about my obstetric health, my job, my friends, and my own family. I always deflect -- it's just how she is and I'm used to it by now (and my DH always backs me up, though he does encourage me to go easy on her). But I think part of the reason it made me think that she's nosing around other places is because she consistently refuses to acknowledge my privacy or discomfort around a topic. The fact that she'd just go cruising through the photos on my phone (which, for the record, neither her sister or husband chose to do -- they are the same age and seemed to understand implicitly that you don't just go flipping all the way through) does make me wonder in what other ways is she breezing right past conventional boundaries on the hunt for info about my life.

I just wanted to flag this. She sounds nosy, and it’s clear you don’t like her, but asking about your job, friends, and family seem like normal friendly overtures to me. If she didn’t ask you about yourself, wouldn’t you feel overlooked? (I’ll give you obstetric health—that’s invasive if you aren’t close).

I had a tough relationship with my MIL so I get your feelings, but it helped me to keep thinking, during MIL’s visits, “if my own mom said this, would I still respond this way?” Because it is easy to get tetchy and overreact to behaviors and comments you would shrug off if they came from someone you liked.

Asking about my job is fine. Asking “Do you feel like it’s a dead end since you haven’t had a promotion in 5 years?” Is nosy and rude.

She nosy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Give me my phone back. Now. If you can't do that you're never seeing your grand kids again."

I wouldn't tolerate this at all.

Now THAT is an overreaction. Freakin' whackjob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Give me my phone back. Now. If you can't do that you're never seeing your grand kids again."

I wouldn't tolerate this at all.

Now THAT is an overreaction. Freakin' whackjob.

+100.

This is why I can't watch 'law and order' with my dad. He gets easily frustrated and yells at the tv 'the judge should pull out a gun and shoot him now'...

"dad, that's now how courts of law work".

PP, this isn't how interactions like this work. You don't threaten withholding grandchildren because you want your phone back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Give me my phone back. Now. If you can't do that you're never seeing your grand kids again."

I wouldn't tolerate this at all.

Now THAT is an overreaction. Freakin' whackjob.

+100.

This is why I can't watch 'law and order' with my dad. He gets easily frustrated and yells at the tv 'the judge should pull out a gun and shoot him now'...

"dad, that's now how courts of law work".

PP, this isn't how interactions like this work. You don't threaten withholding grandchildren because you want your phone back.

I'm crying.

[Anonymous]

wowI have two iPhones – one for work and one for personal. And I’m also incredibly private. But I would never be so psycho as you all are with an older lady asking to look through photos on my phone. It’s so easy to say oh that’s not a photo album those are personal screenshots for my work or some other random note. You all are acting so bitchy to this older lady. You must be planning to die before you’re old or something.

[Anonymous]

None of her business

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Give me my phone back. Now. If you can't do that you're never seeing your grand kids again."

I wouldn't tolerate this at all.

Love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were right, your DH and you handled it perfectly. I understand why you felt the way you felt.

However, I think this is a bit of a generational difference here. She probably thought it was the equivalent of being allowed to look through a couple of hard copy photos that were placed in a stack of (what she probably assumed only included photos of grandkids), then having the stack abruptly taken away from her. I don’t know that people her age get that people our age take photos of all kinds of stuff and that the photo folder is a private space. I’d never flip through someone else’s photos - I’d be scared to find a nude. Lol.

It’s this. I actually had no idea that people considered this rude until relatively recently.

So if someone handed you their wallet to show you a photo of their grandkid, you'd start rifling through the rest of the wallet? Wow. And you wouldn't hand back their wallet if they asked? WOW.