Is it wrong to ask an SO if they have ever been intimate with a specific friend?

[Anonymous]

People are saying the past is in the past. But the problem is it sounds like this woman has a very close current relationship with her boyfriend. Personally, I would not date someone who had a female BFF. Whatever that means. If it means he’s calling and hanging out with another woman and being emotionally close with her, that would make me uncomfortable. So I would have not dated him once I figure it out he had that weird dynamic with another woman.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is it exactly that you’re picking up on? Are you feeling like they’re crossing a boundary in their interactions that make you uncomfortable? Do you feel like he’s more emotionally intimate with her than he is with her, or more attentive?

If it’s just a vibe you’re getting but there’s nothing but there’s nothing going on that makes you uncomfortable, or threatens your relationship in some way, then I would just let it go. If you do feel uncomfortable and feel the need to say something, you really need to understand what your motivation is and make sure you’re not acting out of raw jealousy.

They didn’t couple off. She’s married to someone else, and he chose to be with you. I don’t really get how knowing if they ever slept together would have any significance to your own relationship. So I’m guessing you *are* feeling threatened in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is it exactly that you’re picking up on? Are you feeling like they’re crossing a boundary in their interactions that make you uncomfortable? Do you feel like he’s more emotionally intimate with her than he is with her, or more attentive?

If it’s just a vibe you’re getting but there’s nothing but there’s nothing going on that makes you uncomfortable, or threatens your relationship in some way, then I would just let it go. If you do feel uncomfortable and feel the need to say something, you really need to understand what your motivation is and make sure you’re not acting out of raw jealousy.

They didn’t couple off. She’s married to someone else, and he chose to be with you. I don’t really get how knowing if they ever slept together would have any significance to your own relationship. So I’m guessing you *are* feeling threatened in some way.

^^meant - do you feel that he is more emotionally intimate with her than he is with *you*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is it exactly that you’re picking up on? Are you feeling like they’re crossing a boundary in their interactions that make you uncomfortable? Do you feel like he’s more emotionally intimate with her than he is with her, or more attentive?

If it’s just a vibe you’re getting but there’s nothing but there’s nothing going on that makes you uncomfortable, or threatens your relationship in some way, then I would just let it go. If you do feel uncomfortable and feel the need to say something, you really need to understand what your motivation is and make sure you’re not acting out of raw jealousy.

They didn’t couple off. She’s married to someone else, and he chose to be with you. I don’t really get how knowing if they ever slept together would have any significance to your own relationship. So I’m guessing you *are* feeling threatened in some way.

Because no one in this exact scenario has ever cheated, before but of course blame OP for listening to herself that something isn't right and questioning, it, much easier just to call her insecure, and jealous. I can't with some women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

PP here, I’m not totally sure what riding a tall house means, but I didn’t mean any offense and I’m sorry you took it that way.

But I stand by it. For me, it’s one of those “past stays in the past” things, like how many people you’ve slept with or how attractive past partners were. My SO would need a very good reason to ask me if I slept with someone, and I wouldn’t answer if it was coming from a place of judgement or jealousy.

What situations would make it awkward? I can’t really think of any...if someone accidentally spilled the beans during a public outing (“remember the time back when you were dating Larla”) it wouldn’t bother me at all. People have sex, I’m not too hung up over it.

Of course you have the right to ask whatever you want. If it’s eating you up that much, go for it.

Is there something else going on? The only time I had a problem with a female BFF was when my bf was more emotionally intimate with her than with me. I knew they had dated and was fine with it, but I was bothered that he shared all his feelings and thoughts and dreams with her instead of me.

You need to get over yourself.

You sound very stupid. PP has it right.

So if your bf had slept with your sister you wouldn't want to know that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are saying the past is in the past. But the problem is it sounds like this woman has a very close current relationship with her boyfriend. Personally, I would not date someone who had a female BFF. Whatever that means. If it means he’s calling and hanging out with another woman and being emotionally close with her, that would make me uncomfortable. So I would have not dated him once I figure it out he had that weird dynamic with another woman.

They are saying the past is the past because they think it makes them sound like mature women. The same type who screams " I'm not basic like other women."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

PP here, I’m not totally sure what riding a tall house means, but I didn’t mean any offense and I’m sorry you took it that way.

But I stand by it. For me, it’s one of those “past stays in the past” things, like how many people you’ve slept with or how attractive past partners were. My SO would need a very good reason to ask me if I slept with someone, and I wouldn’t answer if it was coming from a place of judgement or jealousy.

What situations would make it awkward? I can’t really think of any...if someone accidentally spilled the beans during a public outing (“remember the time back when you were dating Larla”) it wouldn’t bother me at all. People have sex, I’m not too hung up over it.

Of course you have the right to ask whatever you want. If it’s eating you up that much, go for it.

Is there something else going on? The only time I had a problem with a female BFF was when my bf was more emotionally intimate with her than with me. I knew they had dated and was fine with it, but I was bothered that he shared all his feelings and thoughts and dreams with her instead of me.

You need to get over yourself.

You sound very stupid. PP has it right.

So if your bf had slept with your sister you wouldn't want to know that?

Oh come on. If you're going to go with a ridiculous extreme that has nothing to do with OP, don't go for sister. You can get way wilder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

PP here, I’m not totally sure what riding a tall house means, but I didn’t mean any offense and I’m sorry you took it that way.

But I stand by it. For me, it’s one of those “past stays in the past” things, like how many people you’ve slept with or how attractive past partners were. My SO would need a very good reason to ask me if I slept with someone, and I wouldn’t answer if it was coming from a place of judgement or jealousy.

What situations would make it awkward? I can’t really think of any...if someone accidentally spilled the beans during a public outing (“remember the time back when you were dating Larla”) it wouldn’t bother me at all. People have sex, I’m not too hung up over it.

Of course you have the right to ask whatever you want. If it’s eating you up that much, go for it.

Is there something else going on? The only time I had a problem with a female BFF was when my bf was more emotionally intimate with her than with me. I knew they had dated and was fine with it, but I was bothered that he shared all his feelings and thoughts and dreams with her instead of me.

You need to get over yourself.

You sound very stupid. PP has it right.

So if your bf had slept with your sister you wouldn't want to know that?

Oh come on. If you're going to go with a ridiculous extreme that has nothing to do with OP, don't go for sister. You can get way wilder.

So the past does matter.

[Anonymous]

I thought we were open about these things. But it turns out I was wrong.

It only came out 20 years into knowing each other my husband told me he and his best friend actually had slept together (how many times, I don't know, but it definitely included a 3-some)

And, I honestly don't really care that they slept together. Or if she was an ex girlfriend. I care more about the fact that he chose not to tell me. I never even thought to ask, because he told me she was his best friend, not his best friend with benefits. I have to wonder why did he hide this? Did he still capital-L like her when we started going out?

I would not have been jealous. I'm not jealous now. But I do wonder what else is out there that I don't know about?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t need to ask because because my now DH briefly dated a GF of mine and she was very open about his sexual prowess such as he was good to go 4-5 times a night. I think she was stretching the truth because he only reached 3 times with me. He knew one of my ex BF’s but he’s never asked me about him. FWIW the guy was very well endowed but my husband doesn’t need to know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought we were open about these things. But it turns out I was wrong.

It only came out 20 years into knowing each other my husband told me he and his best friend actually had slept together (how many times, I don't know, but it definitely included a 3-some)

And, I honestly don't really care that they slept together. Or if she was an ex girlfriend. I care more about the fact that he chose not to tell me. I never even thought to ask, because he told me she was his best friend, not his best friend with benefits. I have to wonder why did he hide this? Did he still capital-L like her when we started going out?

I would not have been jealous. I'm not jealous now. But I do wonder what else is out there that I don't know about?

A few years ago I asked my husband if he had ever been intimate with a girl he had been friends with since they were about 10 (both are now 50+ and still good friends) and instead of not saying anything or denying it he said they had plenty of times because they had been college pals and travel pals and sex was just part of it. I wish I hadn’t asked because I really like her but now every time I see her I think of them being together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

PP here, I’m not totally sure what riding a tall house means, but I didn’t mean any offense and I’m sorry you took it that way.

But I stand by it. For me, it’s one of those “past stays in the past” things, like how many people you’ve slept with or how attractive past partners were. My SO would need a very good reason to ask me if I slept with someone, and I wouldn’t answer if it was coming from a place of judgement or jealousy.

What situations would make it awkward? I can’t really think of any...if someone accidentally spilled the beans during a public outing (“remember the time back when you were dating Larla”) it wouldn’t bother me at all. People have sex, I’m not too hung up over it.

Of course you have the right to ask whatever you want. If it’s eating you up that much, go for it.

Is there something else going on? The only time I had a problem with a female BFF was when my bf was more emotionally intimate with her than with me. I knew they had dated and was fine with it, but I was bothered that he shared all his feelings and thoughts and dreams with her instead of me.

You need to get over yourself.

You sound very stupid. PP has it right.

So if your bf had slept with your sister you wouldn't want to know that?

Oh come on. If you're going to go with a ridiculous extreme that has nothing to do with OP, don't go for sister. You can get way wilder.

So the past does matter.

Yes. If her BF f-d his dog, she should break up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think an SO should disclose if they have had sex with one of their friends?

No. Don't ask. Who cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to know OP

I have a feeling my boyfriend and his female bff who is now married have had more than the 5th grade hand holding first kiss relationship, they claim, there's just something there I can't put my finger on.

What difference would it make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is it exactly that you’re picking up on? Are you feeling like they’re crossing a boundary in their interactions that make you uncomfortable? Do you feel like he’s more emotionally intimate with her than he is with her, or more attentive?

If it’s just a vibe you’re getting but there’s nothing but there’s nothing going on that makes you uncomfortable, or threatens your relationship in some way, then I would just let it go. If you do feel uncomfortable and feel the need to say something, you really need to understand what your motivation is and make sure you’re not acting out of raw jealousy.

They didn’t couple off. She’s married to someone else, and he chose to be with you. I don’t really get how knowing if they ever slept together would have any significance to your own relationship. So I’m guessing you *are* feeling threatened in some way.

Because no one in this exact scenario has ever cheated, before but of course blame OP for listening to herself that something isn't right and questioning, it, much easier just to call her insecure, and jealous. I can't with some women.

Knowing whether they had sex won’t stop them from cheating if they want to..