Is it wrong to ask an SO if they have ever been intimate with a specific friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea if my ex boyfriend’s long term girlfriend knows we were a couple for like 4 years. I try not to say anything that would throw him under the bus if he hasn’t told her.

Hopefully, he has otherwise, you two are making it worse for yourselves. I don't have an issue with exes that remain friends, what bothers me is the lying about it.

I hope so. And it’s been long enough that I feel weird asking him if she knows. My husband knows. My kid knows. I just have never known what she knows.

[Anonymous]

I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to know OP

I have a feeling my boyfriend and his female bff who is now married have had more than the 5th grade hand holding first kiss relationship, they claim, there's just something there I can't put my finger on.

From what I read in your other response, you seem to have the emotional maturity to navigate this conversation. I’d bring it up. Try to get clear in what you’re observing first. Then phrase it similarly as what you just presented.

[Anonymous]

Don’t ask the question if you’re not ready for the answer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

PP here, I’m not totally sure what riding a tall house means, but I didn’t mean any offense and I’m sorry you took it that way.

But I stand by it. For me, it’s one of those “past stays in the past” things, like how many people you’ve slept with or how attractive past partners were. My SO would need a very good reason to ask me if I slept with someone, and I wouldn’t answer if it was coming from a place of judgement or jealousy.

What situations would make it awkward? I can’t really think of any...if someone accidentally spilled the beans during a public outing (“remember the time back when you were dating Larla”) it wouldn’t bother me at all. People have sex, I’m not too hung up over it.

Of course you have the right to ask whatever you want. If it’s eating you up that much, go for it.

Is there something else going on? The only time I had a problem with a female BFF was when my bf was more emotionally intimate with her than with me. I knew they had dated and was fine with it, but I was bothered that he shared all his feelings and thoughts and dreams with her instead of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

PP here, I’m not totally sure what riding a tall house means, but I didn’t mean any offense and I’m sorry you took it that way.

But I stand by it. For me, it’s one of those “past stays in the past” things, like how many people you’ve slept with or how attractive past partners were. My SO would need a very good reason to ask me if I slept with someone, and I wouldn’t answer if it was coming from a place of judgement or jealousy.

What situations would make it awkward? I can’t really think of any...if someone accidentally spilled the beans during a public outing (“remember the time back when you were dating Larla”) it wouldn’t bother me at all. People have sex, I’m not too hung up over it.

Of course you have the right to ask whatever you want. If it’s eating you up that much, go for it.

Is there something else going on? The only time I had a problem with a female BFF was when my bf was more emotionally intimate with her than with me. I knew they had dated and was fine with it, but I was bothered that he shared all his feelings and thoughts and dreams with her instead of me.

You need to get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

PP here, I’m not totally sure what riding a tall house means, but I didn’t mean any offense and I’m sorry you took it that way.

But I stand by it. For me, it’s one of those “past stays in the past” things, like how many people you’ve slept with or how attractive past partners were. My SO would need a very good reason to ask me if I slept with someone, and I wouldn’t answer if it was coming from a place of judgement or jealousy.

What situations would make it awkward? I can’t really think of any...if someone accidentally spilled the beans during a public outing (“remember the time back when you were dating Larla”) it wouldn’t bother me at all. People have sex, I’m not too hung up over it.

Of course you have the right to ask whatever you want. If it’s eating you up that much, go for it.

Is there something else going on? The only time I had a problem with a female BFF was when my bf was more emotionally intimate with her than with me. I knew they had dated and was fine with it, but I was bothered that he shared all his feelings and thoughts and dreams with her instead of me.

You need to get over yourself.

*shrug* you do you. What other people do in their relationships doesn’t bother me. I was just offering my perspective. If OP asks and gets a straight answer from her SO and they can move on, I think that’s great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

PP here, I’m not totally sure what riding a tall house means, but I didn’t mean any offense and I’m sorry you took it that way.

But I stand by it. For me, it’s one of those “past stays in the past” things, like how many people you’ve slept with or how attractive past partners were. My SO would need a very good reason to ask me if I slept with someone, and I wouldn’t answer if it was coming from a place of judgement or jealousy.

What situations would make it awkward? I can’t really think of any...if someone accidentally spilled the beans during a public outing (“remember the time back when you were dating Larla”) it wouldn’t bother me at all. People have sex, I’m not too hung up over it.

Of course you have the right to ask whatever you want. If it’s eating you up that much, go for it.

Is there something else going on? The only time I had a problem with a female BFF was when my bf was more emotionally intimate with her than with me. I knew they had dated and was fine with it, but I was bothered that he shared all his feelings and thoughts and dreams with her instead of me.

You need to get over yourself.

*shrug* you do you. What other people do in their relationships doesn’t bother me. I was just offering my perspective. If OP asks and gets a straight answer from her SO and they can move on, I think that’s great.

You insist OP must be jealous. You perpetuate the idea that women cannot ans should not question their boyfriend's behavior and if they do they are just jealous and immature. You pretend to be wise and above it all but rally you are ignorant and waste deep in misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your baggage level. I have a lot. I know things about DH that I would love to un-know and eat me up inside.

[Anonymous]

No, why? What do you expect to do with the answer?

[Anonymous]

My rule is don't ask, don't tell. My partner's previous romantic life is of no interest to me. There is obviously a reason they are no longer with these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to think yes, but now I think no.

When I wanted to know those kinds of details, I was very insecure and jealous. It had nothing to do with their trustworthiness and everything to do with my issues.

If you don’t trust your partner, and you don’t want them to have a fulfilling life with good friendships, then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Also...I’m older now, and who someone had sex with doesn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. Are they a good person? Do they treat me well? Do they treat others well? Those are the things I care about now.

OP here. That's a mighty tall house you are riding. I actually don't have a problem with exes remaining friends, or my SO remaining friends with exes, I've done it before and dated guys with friends that were exes, and in some cases I became friends with exes. I've always been upfront about it, and so were my exes, which I take as a sign of maturity and respect that you'd consider your SO's feelings and not want to potentially have them in an awkward situation as pps have pointed out.

PP here, I’m not totally sure what riding a tall house means, but I didn’t mean any offense and I’m sorry you took it that way.

But I stand by it. For me, it’s one of those “past stays in the past” things, like how many people you’ve slept with or how attractive past partners were. My SO would need a very good reason to ask me if I slept with someone, and I wouldn’t answer if it was coming from a place of judgement or jealousy.

What situations would make it awkward? I can’t really think of any...if someone accidentally spilled the beans during a public outing (“remember the time back when you were dating Larla”) it wouldn’t bother me at all. People have sex, I’m not too hung up over it.

Of course you have the right to ask whatever you want. If it’s eating you up that much, go for it.

Is there something else going on? The only time I had a problem with a female BFF was when my bf was more emotionally intimate with her than with me. I knew they had dated and was fine with it, but I was bothered that he shared all his feelings and thoughts and dreams with her instead of me.

You need to get over yourself.

You sound very stupid. PP has it right.

[Anonymous]

I also have a don't ask, don't tell policy, but that is also because I never felt the need to ask. If you two are exclusive, I think you could ask.