Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

LOL!

[Anonymous]

He gave sort of negative answers. I'd be miffed too.

[Anonymous]

I can only imagine how miserable her husband must be

"I don't want to play this game"
"You have to"
"I really don't want to"
"Pleasseee".

Husband plays game

"Now I'm mad at you for playing the game and not reading my mind about what your answers should have been".

Op get therapy, because there is only so much of this a person can take before the marriage completely crumbles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can only imagine how miserable her husband must be

"I don't want to play this game"
"You have to"
"I really don't want to"
"Pleasseee".

Husband plays game

"Now I'm mad at you for playing the game and not reading my mind about what your answers should have been".

Op get therapy, because there is only so much of this a person can take before the marriage completely crumbles

But first apologize to your DH.

[Anonymous]

Of course you married someone who made you feel unseen. In your childhood being unseen = safety. You met DH and were unseen and that sensation made you feel safe and secure. But now that you are safe and secure, you realize you want something different.
But I suspect if DH started to “really see you”, you’d freak out and start feeling unsafe again. Because as much as you crave being seen, it scares the crap out of you.

You need therapy to work through this. Once you have a better understanding and sense of inner security, you can start asking for what you need from DH.

[Anonymous]

You are fishing for compliments and your husband wasn't playing the game. He told you the truth. Now move on. If you feel invisible I dont know that couples counseling will help. If he is honest in counseling you will still walk away feeling invisible. Go to counseling to see why you need so much validation from him. Once you are stronger ask yourself why you married this person and what you want.

[Anonymous]

Don't ask questions if you don't REALLY want to know the answers.

Play silly games, you get silly prizes.

[Anonymous]

Silly rabbit. Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I"m sorry there are so many jerks on this thread. People could have posted some of the thoughts above without having to insult you as "exhausting" or "needy," both of whihc are so often and so inappropriately used on DCUM that they mean nothing any more.

OP, your post about feeling your DH doesn't "see" you translates, to me, as he seems, to you, to have no interest in you as a person with a past, your own interests, etc. I would wager he doesn't ask you about your opinions of things (whether it's politics, the food you're both eating, the show you're watching, whatever) nor does he show any interest in what you're doing at work/hobbies/with the kids if any. If that is accurate...I agree that the place to start is individual therapy, ASAP. You need an objective third party to help you assess what you're really seeing from him and how you're reacting to it.

If he has always been like this, you may need to rethink what you expect from the relationship and why youd expect something he was never giving you even before marriage. If this is a change, and previously he showed interest in you as a person, then you need to figure out what might have caused the change.

While it's true many men are not great at expressing affection the way many women would like them to -- people can learn to do new things, and that includes learning to meet a spouse halfway in terms of meeting those needs. But yeah, you need to start unpacking this, especially your own needs and expectations and whether you or he has changed, by working with a professional yourself first.

You'll get more of the nasty "leave him alone, you're the problem" posts here, unfortunately. I'm not saying he's evil and you're perfect. But it's pretty hard to be in a relationship if what you want is a spouse who takes some interest in what interests you, or at least tries. If that's the issue you're talking about, think through why you married him, what is positive in the relationship, why you feel the need to do "bonding exercises" that end up in a dispute, etc. and whether this is a change.

OP here and I think you hit upon something - and that is that this is something about me, not him. It's something I've struggled my whole life with - feeling "unseen". And I'm trying to get it from him, but I know I won't. Because, while he is not a bad guy, he's never been someone who understands or is in interested in people except in abstract terms.

Time for therapy. As a child, my goal was to be "unseen" to get through my childhood. But that tactic is not serving me so well into adulthood.

OP, could your husband possibly be on the spectrum?

My husband is and I can imagine him answering those same questions in a very literal manner, like your husband. If I wanted to know what he loves about me in a loving, affectionate manor that's exactly how I would have to spell out the question to him... EXACTLY.

If I asked him the way that you did, he may say "you make my favorite spaghetti sauce from scratch" or "I love the socks you get me because they don't have the seems at the toes that bother me" (sensory processing issues) or he loves that I take care of everything for him... every question is about him and his likes and needs.
I would never, ever be offended by any of those answers, because if I asked him such an incredibly vague question as "what do you love about me?" I'd expect to get those kind of answers back... because in his mind it's all about him.

Also, he has no interests in my hobbies or things I like, because he's so into / almost obsessed with the things that HE likes (two or three subjects for his entire life).

Again, I wouldn't take offense because I know this about him and I KNOW with every fiber of my being that he's not saying it as an insult or to be hurtful... is just who he is.

I know him like a book and I've accepted everything about him... warts and all.
He's also got a lot of great traits.
He's a good friend, a great provider, he's helpful where he can be, when everyone laughs at something and he doesn't "get " it, he's not ashamed to ask me why it was funny or ask me to explain something... I love that about him.

He's a loving, dedicated and wonderful father and a great husband. We all have our own places that we fall short in our partners eyes -- all of us do.
Where he falls short, he makes up for in other ways... like with mind blowing sex (fyi, that definitely helped me develop the patience I needed to spend my entire life married to someone on the spectrum, lol).

It's all about saying what you mean and meaning what you say, OP.

Don't play games... if you want him to open up, don't ask him loaded questions in the form of bonding, ASK HIM WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW SPECIFICALLY. It does help adjust expectations.

Good luck and please look into therapy... even teletherapy that you can do from home.
You deserve to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I"m sorry there are so many jerks on this thread. People could have posted some of the thoughts above without having to insult you as "exhausting" or "needy," both of whihc are so often and so inappropriately used on DCUM that they mean nothing any more.

OP, your post about feeling your DH doesn't "see" you translates, to me, as he seems, to you, to have no interest in you as a person with a past, your own interests, etc. I would wager he doesn't ask you about your opinions of things (whether it's politics, the food you're both eating, the show you're watching, whatever) nor does he show any interest in what you're doing at work/hobbies/with the kids if any. If that is accurate...I agree that the place to start is individual therapy, ASAP. You need an objective third party to help you assess what you're really seeing from him and how you're reacting to it.

If he has always been like this, you may need to rethink what you expect from the relationship and why youd expect something he was never giving you even before marriage. If this is a change, and previously he showed interest in you as a person, then you need to figure out what might have caused the change.

While it's true many men are not great at expressing affection the way many women would like them to -- people can learn to do new things, and that includes learning to meet a spouse halfway in terms of meeting those needs. But yeah, you need to start unpacking this, especially your own needs and expectations and whether you or he has changed, by working with a professional yourself first.

You'll get more of the nasty "leave him alone, you're the problem" posts here, unfortunately. I'm not saying he's evil and you're perfect. But it's pretty hard to be in a relationship if what you want is a spouse who takes some interest in what interests you, or at least tries. If that's the issue you're talking about, think through why you married him, what is positive in the relationship, why you feel the need to do "bonding exercises" that end up in a dispute, etc. and whether this is a change.

OP here and I think you hit upon something - and that is that this is something about me, not him. It's something I've struggled my whole life with - feeling "unseen". And I'm trying to get it from him, but I know I won't. Because, while he is not a bad guy, he's never been someone who understands or is in interested in people except in abstract terms.

Time for therapy. As a child, my goal was to be "unseen" to get through my childhood. But that tactic is not serving me so well into adulthood.

OP, could your husband possibly be on the spectrum?

My husband is and I can imagine him answering those same questions in a very literal manner, like your husband. If I wanted to know what he loves about me in a loving, affectionate manor that's exactly how I would have to spell out the question to him... EXACTLY.

If I asked him the way that you did, he may say "you make my favorite spaghetti sauce from scratch" or "I love the socks you get me because they don't have the seems at the toes that bother me" (sensory processing issues) or he loves that I take care of everything for him... every question is about him and his likes and needs.
I would never, ever be offended by any of those answers, because if I asked him such an incredibly vague question as "what do you love about me?" I'd expect to get those kind of answers back... because in his mind it's all about him.

Also, he has no interests in my hobbies or things I like, because he's so into / almost obsessed with the things that HE likes (two or three subjects for his entire life).

Again, I wouldn't take offense because I know this about him and I KNOW with every fiber of my being that he's not saying it as an insult or to be hurtful... is just who he is.

I know him like a book and I've accepted everything about him... warts and all.
He's also got a lot of great traits.
He's a good friend, a great provider, he's helpful where he can be, when everyone laughs at something and he doesn't "get " it, he's not ashamed to ask me why it was funny or ask me to explain something... I love that about him.

He's a loving, dedicated and wonderful father and a great husband. We all have our own places that we fall short in our partners eyes -- all of us do.
Where he falls short, he makes up for in other ways... like with mind blowing sex (fyi, that definitely helped me develop the patience I needed to spend my entire life married to someone on the spectrum, lol).

It's all about saying what you mean and meaning what you say, OP.

Don't play games... if you want him to open up, don't ask him loaded questions in the form of bonding, ASK HIM WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW SPECIFICALLY. It does help adjust expectations.

Good luck and please look into therapy... even teletherapy that you can do from home.
You deserve to be happy.

OP here and I've often wondered if my husband was on the spectrum, and have brought up the possibility, but it was met with such extreme anger and defensiveness. I really appreciate your post because my husband sounds so much like yours, but the difference is that you 100% understand and accept his ways and I would love to get there. Everything from the seams, to the obsessive interests, and not getting people's humor or intent, and the self-centeredness - rings true for my husband.

The roadblock for me is my own issues of course, and also that I can't communicate with him because is so defensive and ultra-sensitive to any perceived slight even if that was not my intention at all, and he ends up turning it around on me and blaming me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I"m sorry there are so many jerks on this thread. People could have posted some of the thoughts above without having to insult you as "exhausting" or "needy," both of whihc are so often and so inappropriately used on DCUM that they mean nothing any more.

OP, your post about feeling your DH doesn't "see" you translates, to me, as he seems, to you, to have no interest in you as a person with a past, your own interests, etc. I would wager he doesn't ask you about your opinions of things (whether it's politics, the food you're both eating, the show you're watching, whatever) nor does he show any interest in what you're doing at work/hobbies/with the kids if any. If that is accurate...I agree that the place to start is individual therapy, ASAP. You need an objective third party to help you assess what you're really seeing from him and how you're reacting to it.

If he has always been like this, you may need to rethink what you expect from the relationship and why youd expect something he was never giving you even before marriage. If this is a change, and previously he showed interest in you as a person, then you need to figure out what might have caused the change.

While it's true many men are not great at expressing affection the way many women would like them to -- people can learn to do new things, and that includes learning to meet a spouse halfway in terms of meeting those needs. But yeah, you need to start unpacking this, especially your own needs and expectations and whether you or he has changed, by working with a professional yourself first.

You'll get more of the nasty "leave him alone, you're the problem" posts here, unfortunately. I'm not saying he's evil and you're perfect. But it's pretty hard to be in a relationship if what you want is a spouse who takes some interest in what interests you, or at least tries. If that's the issue you're talking about, think through why you married him, what is positive in the relationship, why you feel the need to do "bonding exercises" that end up in a dispute, etc. and whether this is a change.

OP here and I think you hit upon something - and that is that this is something about me, not him. It's something I've struggled my whole life with - feeling "unseen". And I'm trying to get it from him, but I know I won't. Because, while he is not a bad guy, he's never been someone who understands or is in interested in people except in abstract terms.

Time for therapy. As a child, my goal was to be "unseen" to get through my childhood. But that tactic is not serving me so well into adulthood.

OP, could your husband possibly be on the spectrum?

My husband is and I can imagine him answering those same questions in a very literal manner, like your husband. If I wanted to know what he loves about me in a loving, affectionate manor that's exactly how I would have to spell out the question to him... EXACTLY.

If I asked him the way that you did, he may say "you make my favorite spaghetti sauce from scratch" or "I love the socks you get me because they don't have the seems at the toes that bother me" (sensory processing issues) or he loves that I take care of everything for him... every question is about him and his likes and needs.
I would never, ever be offended by any of those answers, because if I asked him such an incredibly vague question as "what do you love about me?" I'd expect to get those kind of answers back... because in his mind it's all about him.

Also, he has no interests in my hobbies or things I like, because he's so into / almost obsessed with the things that HE likes (two or three subjects for his entire life).

Again, I wouldn't take offense because I know this about him and I KNOW with every fiber of my being that he's not saying it as an insult or to be hurtful... is just who he is.

I know him like a book and I've accepted everything about him... warts and all.
He's also got a lot of great traits.
He's a good friend, a great provider, he's helpful where he can be, when everyone laughs at something and he doesn't "get " it, he's not ashamed to ask me why it was funny or ask me to explain something... I love that about him.

He's a loving, dedicated and wonderful father and a great husband. We all have our own places that we fall short in our partners eyes -- all of us do.
Where he falls short, he makes up for in other ways... like with mind blowing sex (fyi, that definitely helped me develop the patience I needed to spend my entire life married to someone on the spectrum, lol).

It's all about saying what you mean and meaning what you say, OP.

Don't play games... if you want him to open up, don't ask him loaded questions in the form of bonding, ASK HIM WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW SPECIFICALLY. It does help adjust expectations.

Good luck and please look into therapy... even teletherapy that you can do from home.
You deserve to be happy.

OP here and I've often wondered if my husband was on the spectrum, and have brought up the possibility, but it was met with such extreme anger and defensiveness. I really appreciate your post because my husband sounds so much like yours, but the difference is that you 100% understand and accept his ways and I would love to get there. Everything from the seams, to the obsessive interests, and not getting people's humor or intent, and the self-centeredness - rings true for my husband.

The roadblock for me is my own issues of course, and also that I can't communicate with him because is so defensive and ultra-sensitive to any perceived slight even if that was not my intention at all, and he ends up turning it around on me and blaming me.

Sounds like you should really fight for this marriage tooth and nail. What a winner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I"m sorry there are so many jerks on this thread. People could have posted some of the thoughts above without having to insult you as "exhausting" or "needy," both of whihc are so often and so inappropriately used on DCUM that they mean nothing any more.

OP, your post about feeling your DH doesn't "see" you translates, to me, as he seems, to you, to have no interest in you as a person with a past, your own interests, etc. I would wager he doesn't ask you about your opinions of things (whether it's politics, the food you're both eating, the show you're watching, whatever) nor does he show any interest in what you're doing at work/hobbies/with the kids if any. If that is accurate...I agree that the place to start is individual therapy, ASAP. You need an objective third party to help you assess what you're really seeing from him and how you're reacting to it.

If he has always been like this, you may need to rethink what you expect from the relationship and why youd expect something he was never giving you even before marriage. If this is a change, and previously he showed interest in you as a person, then you need to figure out what might have caused the change.

While it's true many men are not great at expressing affection the way many women would like them to -- people can learn to do new things, and that includes learning to meet a spouse halfway in terms of meeting those needs. But yeah, you need to start unpacking this, especially your own needs and expectations and whether you or he has changed, by working with a professional yourself first.

You'll get more of the nasty "leave him alone, you're the problem" posts here, unfortunately. I'm not saying he's evil and you're perfect. But it's pretty hard to be in a relationship if what you want is a spouse who takes some interest in what interests you, or at least tries. If that's the issue you're talking about, think through why you married him, what is positive in the relationship, why you feel the need to do "bonding exercises" that end up in a dispute, etc. and whether this is a change.

OP here and I think you hit upon something - and that is that this is something about me, not him. It's something I've struggled my whole life with - feeling "unseen". And I'm trying to get it from him, but I know I won't. Because, while he is not a bad guy, he's never been someone who understands or is in interested in people except in abstract terms.

Time for therapy. As a child, my goal was to be "unseen" to get through my childhood. But that tactic is not serving me so well into adulthood.

OP, could your husband possibly be on the spectrum?

My husband is and I can imagine him answering those same questions in a very literal manner, like your husband. If I wanted to know what he loves about me in a loving, affectionate manor that's exactly how I would have to spell out the question to him... EXACTLY.

If I asked him the way that you did, he may say "you make my favorite spaghetti sauce from scratch" or "I love the socks you get me because they don't have the seems at the toes that bother me" (sensory processing issues) or he loves that I take care of everything for him... every question is about him and his likes and needs.
I would never, ever be offended by any of those answers, because if I asked him such an incredibly vague question as "what do you love about me?" I'd expect to get those kind of answers back... because in his mind it's all about him.

Also, he has no interests in my hobbies or things I like, because he's so into / almost obsessed with the things that HE likes (two or three subjects for his entire life).

Again, I wouldn't take offense because I know this about him and I KNOW with every fiber of my being that he's not saying it as an insult or to be hurtful... is just who he is.

I know him like a book and I've accepted everything about him... warts and all.
He's also got a lot of great traits.
He's a good friend, a great provider, he's helpful where he can be, when everyone laughs at something and he doesn't "get " it, he's not ashamed to ask me why it was funny or ask me to explain something... I love that about him.

He's a loving, dedicated and wonderful father and a great husband. We all have our own places that we fall short in our partners eyes -- all of us do.
Where he falls short, he makes up for in other ways... like with mind blowing sex (fyi, that definitely helped me develop the patience I needed to spend my entire life married to someone on the spectrum, lol).

It's all about saying what you mean and meaning what you say, OP.

Don't play games... if you want him to open up, don't ask him loaded questions in the form of bonding, ASK HIM WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW SPECIFICALLY. It does help adjust expectations.

Good luck and please look into therapy... even teletherapy that you can do from home.
You deserve to be happy.

Kudos to you, PP -- this was so refreshing to read!
It's wonderful that you've found something to allow the patience & understanding that you need (uh, and who's gonna say no to "mind blowing sex"??? Good for you, I am jealous! lol).

As a wife whose husband has Aspergers, I absolutely loved reading your post (maybe my husband can have a consultation with yours and get some pointers, rofl!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like you should really fight for this marriage tooth and nail. What a winner.

Seriously.
What did you actually see in this guy, OP?

According to you (and this post) he doesn't sound like he's got many redeeming qualities, so why on earth would you marry him?

It'd really like to hear his side of the story.
I'll bet it's very, very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound uncertain about your DH’s love. You should be working in individual therapy to address this - what is happening that you feel that way? are you interpretations about the meaning of his behavior accurate or are you catastrophizing? Is there a way to communicate with him better? is there a way for you to meet your own needs?, etc.

Asking him why he lives you and then judging those answers as bad or good is not really a “bonding” exercise, as you have seen.

Yes, 1000 times this.

[Anonymous]

I’d be beyond annoyed if I was forced into this exercise.