Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

On what I thought would be a bonding exercise for me and DH, I said we should share the qualities we love about each other the most. DH first refused to participate. But after some cajoling - he shared that the thing he loves about me the most was that I don't talk too much. I pressed him for another answer, because frankly I didn't like that first answer. Then after some thought, he said it was that it was my capacity to change. I didn't love that answer either, so then he got angry with me that this was exactly why he didn't want to do this, and walked out of the room. He wasn't trying to be mean - he gave his honest answers to my question. And he had zero understanding of why his answers would upset me in the least.

1) Do you think I was justified in not liking his answers, or was I in the wrong?
2) Do you think someone with those answers actually loves and accepts the other person?

[Anonymous]

I think you are needy and annoying. Team DH.

[Anonymous]

1) You were wrong. You asked and you got an answer. They are his thoughts, his opinion. Don’t ask if you are going to invalidate them by deeming them not acceptable or not good enough.
2) Yes

You seem to have some maturing to do.

[Anonymous]

You sound uncertain about your DH’s love. You should be working in individual therapy to address this - what is happening that you feel that way? are you interpretations about the meaning of his behavior accurate or are you catastrophizing? Is there a way to communicate with him better? is there a way for you to meet your own needs?, etc.

Asking him why he lives you and then judging those answers as bad or good is not really a “bonding” exercise, as you have seen.

[Anonymous]

Well, you asked and you got the truth. It is annoying to get upset about it. Now he will not tell the truth again.

I love that my husband is not super talkative, I like a quiet and peaceful home and space for my own thoughts. Is that so bad? And the capacity for change is truly an excellent trait in a person.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. You are way too overly sensitive to be asking him such questions. What were you looking for him to say? Something generic?

[Anonymous]

OP here, and I've also pushed for therapy for us but DH has refused. I think the crux of it is that I don't feel seen by my DH and never have. He doesn't know me, or care to know me, and maybe this is a philosophical viewpoint that he has because I don't think he thinks any of that is important. He's uninterested in my history, my background, my experiences. And the things he loved about me had more to do with him than with me. It's that complete absence of any acknowledgement or appreciation for who I am, apart from how it benefits him and his life.

[Anonymous]

You sound exhausting. There is nothing stopping you from getting therapy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

How did the two of you end up married?

[Anonymous]

Jesus Christ. Just stop. If you are going to ask a question let him answer how he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On what I thought would be a bonding exercise for me and DH, I said we should share the qualities we love about each other the most. DH first refused to participate. But after some cajoling - he shared that the thing he loves about me the most was that I don't talk too much. I pressed him for another answer, because frankly I didn't like that first answer. Then after some thought, he said it was that it was my capacity to change. I didn't love that answer either, so then he got angry with me that this was exactly why he didn't want to do this, and walked out of the room. He wasn't trying to be mean - he gave his honest answers to my question. And he had zero understanding of why his answers would upset me in the least.

1) Do you think I was justified in not liking his answers, or was I in the wrong?
2) Do you think someone with those answers actually loves and accepts the other person?

Omg how did you get someone to marry you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I've also pushed for therapy for us but DH has refused. I think the crux of it is that I don't feel seen by my DH and never have. He doesn't know me, or care to know me, and maybe this is a philosophical viewpoint that he has because I don't think he thinks any of that is important. He's uninterested in my history, my background, my experiences. And the things he loved about me had more to do with him than with me. It's that complete absence of any acknowledgement or appreciation for who I am, apart from how it benefits him and his life.

This is a you problem. You cannot make your DH “see” you. You should not be pressing for couples therapy; you should be doing individual therapy to explore why you need your husband’s validation. Your job is to make authentic connections, which means revealing yourself slowly over time not pushing your husband to behave in a certain way. You have the power to give your history, background and experiences weight.

[Anonymous]

PPs are being harsh. I understand, OP. But it just sounds like you and your DH are very different people, with different needs for connection. He’s not the person who is going to make you feel seen and understood. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you.

[Anonymous]

"DH and me" get grammar lessons

[Anonymous]

OP you were asking for him to say a loving affirmative word about how and why he loves you. You hid it under the “exercise” of both of you sharing things you love. He was honest but his frustration is likely because you prod him in other ways. What are you insecure about? Have the conversation with yourself privately, and then share what you learn with your husband when the time is right. And please apologize to him for being demanding and unaccepting of his reasons. You would have gotten much further if you asked “why does you value my ability to change so much?”. His answer may have surprised you: “because you’re resilient and encourage me, because I’m always excited, because I know we can make it through anything and I trust you, blah blah blah”. Instead you asked “what else”. You aren’t placing any meaning in your couples exercise because it is all about you picking for something instead of truly learning to peel back and love what you both are presenting to each other.

Bigger concerns are an undercurrent for sure but you can change the course with a shift in your thinking.