I feel like I’ve become my parent’s employee.

[Anonymous]

I’m OP, and I appreciate all of the responses. I love my parent, and we’ve always been very close, but it’s still hard to manage the numerous responsibilities of caring for an older person. With children, we expect them to grow, mature, and become independent. With parents, they become more frail and dependent as they age. We essentially have to “parent” our parents. That shift in roles is hard.

One thing I’ve learned from all of this is that I vow to downsize as I get older, not procrastinate with getting my affairs in order, and get rid of as much unnecessary stuff as possible so my kids won’t have to. I hope to not let sentimental attachment to places and things keep me from doing what needs to be done for my own care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP, and I appreciate all of the responses. I love my parent, and we’ve always been very close, but it’s still hard to manage the numerous responsibilities of caring for an older person. With children, we expect them to grow, mature, and become independent. With parents, they become more frail and dependent as they age. We essentially have to “parent” our parents. That shift in roles is hard.

One thing I’ve learned from all of this is that I vow to downsize as I get older, not procrastinate with getting my affairs in order, and get rid of as much unnecessary stuff as possible so my kids won’t have to. I hope to not let sentimental attachment to places and things keep me from doing what needs to be done for my own care.

And with children, they accept the help. They know they depend on us and are okay with that. Yes they push the boundaries so they can exercise and prepare for ultimate independence. But with parents, they fight that they aren't as independent as they once were. So everything is this dance where you don't want to overstep their independence, but they obviously need the help. And once you start helping, they get angry at you at their loss of independence.

If we are supposed to gracefully accept that our parents are going to depend on us; that it's jus the circle of life and we need to shut up and stop complaining, then our parents need to also accept this role reversal and quit fighting us on everything.

[Anonymous]

Downsize after 70 or so depending on health unless you plan to sell your close in home to your kids. Very popular in my neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

OP, Does Mom own extra real estate apart from her home?

If so, prioritize selling that. That will give you some cash to pay for services.

Get all bills transferred to online.

Bring your kids to Mom's home. Perhaps they can use some of the surplus stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP, and I appreciate all of the responses. I love my parent, and we’ve always been very close, but it’s still hard to manage the numerous responsibilities of caring for an older person. With children, we expect them to grow, mature, and become independent. With parents, they become more frail and dependent as they age. We essentially have to “parent” our parents. That shift in roles is hard.

One thing I’ve learned from all of this is that I vow to downsize as I get older, not procrastinate with getting my affairs in order, and get rid of as much unnecessary stuff as possible so my kids won’t have to. I hope to not let sentimental attachment to places and things keep me from doing what needs to be done for my own care.

And with children, they accept the help. They know they depend on us and are okay with that. Yes they push the boundaries so they can exercise and prepare for ultimate independence. But with parents, they fight that they aren't as independent as they once were. So everything is this dance where you don't want to overstep their independence, but they obviously need the help. And once you start helping, they get angry at you at their loss of independence.

If we are supposed to gracefully accept that our parents are going to depend on us; that it's jus the circle of life and we need to shut up and stop complaining, then our parents need to also accept this role reversal and quit fighting us on everything.

Your kids must be very young for you to say that kids just accept their dependence on their parents. From middle school on, kids often resent their parent's attempts to help them. Even little kids sometimes think they can take on more than they can. They call it a circle because young and old start to resemble each other (e.g., trouble walking, diapers, stubborn). Just because you are wrinkled instead of adorable does not mean the responsibility/love should end.

I have talked to African women who are employed in the US to care for elderly people in their homes. They had left their children behind with relatives in Africa, so they could send money home. They lived 26 days a month with the older person. I wondered how they could leave their children for years at a time, missing their whole childhoods. It turns out that they marvel at how Americans pay absolute strangers to care for our parents in their twilight years. They said no one in Africa would delegate that responsibility. Some of this is cultural. There are not objectively right or wrong answers.

[Anonymous]

I don't know that many Asian cultures would emulate America either.

[Anonymous]

OK as someone with friends who are from Africa and friends who have parents from China and Korea parents....you are not giving the whole story.

Africa- Very common for the caregiver to have all sorts of physical issues caring for mom. You are not supposed to complain, but you are allowed to have physical problems. Therapy is frowned upon so a good friend of mine only ended up there when a physician ruled out every cause he could think of for her headaches, back-aches, digestive issues, etc. She finally in therapy realized how much taking care of her mom was doing her in,but still struggled to set boundaries. Her girlfriends from childhood were struggling as well.

Asian cultures...From my own friends I can tell you a bunch of things...

1) Mom moves in and might also take care of grandchildren, cook and clean. That's not the same as taking in someone who cannot help in anyway. When it comes to caregiving for mom or dad when they are ill just like in many cultures many family fights can ensue resulting in estrangements.

2.) Those who took in their own parents are often planning their own retirement and know their kids will never do the same for them after seeing how awful it could be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP, and I appreciate all of the responses. I love my parent, and we’ve always been very close, but it’s still hard to manage the numerous responsibilities of caring for an older person. With children, we expect them to grow, mature, and become independent. With parents, they become more frail and dependent as they age. We essentially have to “parent” our parents. That shift in roles is hard.

One thing I’ve learned from all of this is that I vow to downsize as I get older, not procrastinate with getting my affairs in order, and get rid of as much unnecessary stuff as possible so my kids won’t have to. I hope to not let sentimental attachment to places and things keep me from doing what needs to be done for my own care.

And with children, they accept the help. They know they depend on us and are okay with that. Yes they push the boundaries so they can exercise and prepare for ultimate independence. But with parents, they fight that they aren't as independent as they once were. So everything is this dance where you don't want to overstep their independence, but they obviously need the help. And once you start helping, they get angry at you at their loss of independence.

If we are supposed to gracefully accept that our parents are going to depend on us; that it's jus the circle of life and we need to shut up and stop complaining, then our parents need to also accept this role reversal and quit fighting us on everything.

Your kids must be very young for you to say that kids just accept their dependence on their parents. From middle school on, kids often resent their parent's attempts to help them. Even little kids sometimes think they can take on more than they can. They call it a circle because young and old start to resemble each other (e.g., trouble walking, diapers, stubborn). Just because you are wrinkled instead of adorable does not mean the responsibility/love should end.

I have talked to African women who are employed in the US to care for elderly people in their homes. They had left their children behind with relatives in Africa, so they could send money home. They lived 26 days a month with the older person. I wondered how they could leave their children for years at a time, missing their whole childhoods. It turns out that they marvel at how Americans pay absolute strangers to care for our parents in their twilight years. They said no one in Africa would delegate that responsibility. Some of this is cultural. There are not objectively right or wrong answers.

Actually that's note exactly accurate. Babies and toddlers have physical features that we all find cute for biological reasons-they make us want to help them. There is an instinct to want to care for a protect your young. In early days the elders were more those in their 50s and 60s and they served a purpose to help care for everyone and it truly is an age range where there is much wisdom. With advances in medicine people began living longer with far poorer quality of life. If you live to a certain age your chance of dementia are quite high. There is no biological basis for wanting to be screamed a demanding adult while you are changing the diaper and giving a sponge bath. You care for young and gradually promote independence. Even middle schoolers and highschoolers will vacillate between being loving and nedding you to demanding dependence but it's part of the launching process. From an evolutionary standpoint when a parent becomes ill herself (because it's always her) caring for an insolent and ungrateful elder with little support she is damaging the next generation especially if she ends up eventually succumbing to her own illness from the stress.

Heck look at even what you say is happening among "African women." Their kids lose a mother while mom is caring for the elders. That is not best for their development.

[Anonymous]

I dealt with this as a 23 year old. The legal aspects can be handled in a few hours. Don’t be precious about physical property and just get rid of it. Put the bills on autopay. Line up caregivers, handymen, grocery delivery, etc. You could have this all taken care of in a week and only have to check in monthly that all bills and maintenance have been completed. You’re making it harder than it is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP, and I appreciate all of the responses. I love my parent, and we’ve always been very close, but it’s still hard to manage the numerous responsibilities of caring for an older person. With children, we expect them to grow, mature, and become independent. With parents, they become more frail and dependent as they age. We essentially have to “parent” our parents. That shift in roles is hard.

One thing I’ve learned from all of this is that I vow to downsize as I get older, not procrastinate with getting my affairs in order, and get rid of as much unnecessary stuff as possible so my kids won’t have to. I hope to not let sentimental attachment to places and things keep me from doing what needs to be done for my own care.

Excellent positive take-away, OP!!