I feel like I’ve become my parent’s employee.

[Anonymous]

My parent is becoming increasingly feeble and incapable of handling the minutia of everyday life - paying bills, keeping track of appointments, etc. On top of that, my parent has ignored matters that should have been dealt with years ago. Things like cleaning out and selling real estate hours away from my home, making sure that estate planning is adequate, etc. So, not only am I trying to make sure health matters are addressed, there’s all this other “stuff” that’s fallen in my lap to deal with. Unfortunately, there isn’t much money to hire help. I have a sibling who could help, but sibling is a workaholic and has been “too busy” for the past decade to help take care of these matters. I’m on my own and it stinks.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered going through the conservatorship process? Then you could pay yourself for the time and expenses.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it might be worth some time with a therapist to help work this out. You need to engage your sibling and set boundaries with your parent. I'm of the opinion, and I know not everyone is, that aging isn't a surprise and you only have to accept this role if you decide to do that. It really is a choice. A therapist can help you work this out. Best wishes, I know this is hard.

[Anonymous]

PP from above. I should clarify the "aging isn't a surprise" comment. Your parent knew they were going to become infirm. It was their choice not to prepare. That does not mean their lack of preparation then becomes your burden.

[Anonymous]

You figure out a plan. Sibling too busy working to help...great...how about she contribute some of that money to pay for caregivers. Are you sure there is no money there for you to pay yourself for your work? When you sell the real estate can't some of that be used to hire help? If they refuse to sell to pay for their own care, that's on them.

The more you can pay others to do stuff and remove yourself the better. It is quicksand. When I lost my mind helping my own parents a therapist used the example of boiling lobster in hot water or maybe it was frog. You gradually increase the heat so they don't try to escape and then it becomes too late. Don't do yourself in. Hire help so you can merely visit and have quality time.

[Anonymous]

At least you’re getting a handle on it while they’re still alive. FIL died in February and DH is having to deal with all kinds of crap because BIL, who is actually in the same city where FIL lived, is completely useless and FIL made a series of poor decisions that are making settling his estate needlessly complicated.

[Anonymous]

Do conserership and make sure there is a will ASAP

[Anonymous]

It’s an increasing time drain. Away from your job and immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Just two pieces of advice from personal experience:
- a real estate agent can manage the clearing out and sale of distant property (I had to do nothing, that is, once I evicted my brother but that is another story)
- putting all the bills on online pay helps a lot
Good luck, I know this is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You figure out a plan. Sibling too busy working to help...great...how about she contribute some of that money to pay for caregivers. Are you sure there is no money there for you to pay yourself for your work? When you sell the real estate can't some of that be used to hire help? If they refuse to sell to pay for their own care, that's on them.

The more you can pay others to do stuff and remove yourself the better. It is quicksand. When I lost my mind helping my own parents a therapist used the example of boiling lobster in hot water or maybe it was frog. You gradually increase the heat so they don't try to escape and then it becomes too late. Don't do yourself in. Hire help so you can merely visit and have quality time.

Good idea, even just a few hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to deal with the extra stuff now?
You can choose not to. That's what your sibling is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP from above. I should clarify the "aging isn't a surprise" comment. Your parent knew they were going to become infirm. It was their choice not to prepare. That does not mean their lack of preparation then becomes your burden.

The problem with that is that the problems will be worse if she doesn’t try to handle things. Doing some work now will save her work on the future.

I went through several years of hell over this, op. Now that the real estate sales are done and the estate planning is in place, my life is better. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I will caution you that getting your sibling involved may not lessen your workload. I still do all the work but my siblings actually create more work by expressing opinions while doing none of the work.

[Anonymous]

Get there to Elder attorney ASAP. Get all the legal stuff done immediately. Make sure you are given a Durable POA effective as soon as it’s signed.

Then get a list of all doctors and medication they are taking. If something happens to them, you need to know what Meds they are taking and where their health records are.

Then make sure your parents have signed the HIPPA form that allows doctors to talk to you.

Then make sure you are added as an authorized person for all their bills. My Dad, who is still with it but more easily tired, has had cable issues. Thankfully, I’m on the cable account and I was able to handle it.

Then start researching places near you—independent living, assisted living, skilled nursing, memory care. Tour a few and figure out which ones you like. That way if they get ill or injured, you aren’t also scrambling to figure out where to put them.

Once all that is in place, then start going through and dealing with real estate stuff.

Good luck, this stuff is hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get there to Elder attorney ASAP. Get all the legal stuff done immediately. Make sure you are given a Durable POA effective as soon as it’s signed.

Then get a list of all doctors and medication they are taking. If something happens to them, you need to know what Meds they are taking and where their health records are.

Then make sure your parents have signed the HIPPA form that allows doctors to talk to you.

Then make sure you are added as an authorized person for all their bills. My Dad, who is still with it but more easily tired, has had cable issues. Thankfully, I’m on the cable account and I was able to handle it.

Then start researching places near you—independent living, assisted living, skilled nursing, memory care. Tour a few and figure out which ones you like. That way if they get ill or injured, you aren’t also scrambling to figure out where to put them.

Once all that is in place, then start going through and dealing with real estate stuff.

Good luck, this stuff is hard!

I don’t think this is what OP was asking.

[Anonymous]

You need the authority to handle real estate sale, etc. This should be your priority.